Awkwardly Yours
by Vancouver-Canuck-Girl
Summary: High school Edward likes a girl named Bella, But he's not a smooth-talking kind of fella. He has his fair share of inserting foot into mouth, And inappropriate risings down south. But he's really kind of sweet, Even if he's sort of a geek.
1. Chapter 1

**Something new and silly I've been working on. ****Thanks to my usual suspects for pre-reading and beta-ing. Lolo84, MapleStyle, and Capricorn75. I couldn't do this without them. Now, please sit back and enjoy this story of an awkward boy. I am happy to introduce: Awk-ward :)**

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Chapter 1

I swear to God, I need to move out! Since I'm only fifteen, I'm going to have to settle for getting a friggin' lock on my bedroom door – which I'm buying tomorrow, just so you know.

Tonight was, by far, the most embarrassing night of my life. It all started at dinner when my brother was being an ass. Technically he's my step-brother, but it's sort of complicated.

Why don't I start at the beginning?

So, I'm fifteen. I live at home with my parents and siblings, but this is where the complicated part starts. My mom, Esme, was married to my dad, Anthony Masen. When I was one, he died backcountry skiing when an avalanche swept down the mountain. While In grief counseling, she met Carlisle Cullen during a support group session. He was father to two-year old Jasper and one-year old Rosalie. His wife had died in a car accident, which is why he was at the counseling session. Still following?

Mom and Carlisle hit it off right away. Their young ages, similar situations, and grief united them. Two years later they got married, and eventually decided to reproduce. Enter my little brother, Jake. Yes, I just made a face at them 'reproducing'. Gross. Sex per se isn't gross but the fact that they do it, is.

We've been a family for so long I really don't consider anyone a 'step' or 'half' sibling, except in the case of Rosalie- and then I like to call her my evil step-sister, just to piss her off. Sometimes I call Jake a dog because he's seven and follows me around like a stray mutt. Oh, and tonight I referred to Jasper as a fucking jerk.

I think I need to back up a bit to explain what exactly went down leading to the single most embarrassing moment of my life.

See, I kind of have a crush on Rosalie's best friend. Where Rose is high maintenance and perpetually PMS-ing, Bella Swan is her exact opposite. Why she is best friend's with my sister is beyond me. Opposites attract, I guess.

Bella has always been Rosalie's friend – like since they were nine or something. I guess she's my friend, too, but first and foremost, she's my sister's bestie. I tease Bella and Rosalie equally. Rose will flip me off or call me an ass; Bella's cheeks turn pink, stretching up to the tips of her ears. Super cute.

The feelings I have for Bella are new, and the crush is small. It's not like I jerk off to lewd thoughts of her in my head all day and night. Don't be ridiculous. It's more like once a day, and mostly at night and usually in the shower (in case you were wondering).

Bella had always been 'just Bella' and then one day...I don't know, something changed.

We – Jasper, his girlfriend Alice, Rosalie, Bella and I – were hanging out one night, watching a movie. Correction, Rose, Bella and I were watching a movie, while Jasper and Alice were sucking face.

I kept smelling something nice and discovered that every time Bella twirled her fingers in her hair, the scent wafted over to me. Glancing at her, I noticed how smooth her bare legs looked stretched out in front of her. Then I couldn't help but to admire her breasts, which certainly weren't that big the summer before. Trust me, I would've noticed. Soon, it was those breasts I was thinking about when I jerked off.

Anyway, on the drive home from school today, it was only Jasper and me because Rosalie was staying after to work on some project. My guess was she was watching the football team practice because she has the hots for Emmett McCarty. I thought I'd take advantage of our time alone and get some advice from my brother. Big mistake; I should have known better.

"So, I, um, was wondering, if you, uh, had any suggestions on, uh…"

"Fuck, Edward, just spit it out, man."

"Sorry. I like this girl and I don't know if she likes me. And I don't know what I should do about it."

Jasper laughed, fucking _laughed _at me. Asshole.

"Ask her out."

"On what – a date? I can't drive – what am I going to do, ask Mom to drive me?"

"You can meet at the movies or whatever. If you ask and she gives a lame excuse, like she's washing her hair or something, then she's not interested."

I shrugged. "I guess."

"So, who is she? Anyone I know?"

My cheeks flamed red and I turned up the car stereo to avoid answering the question.

"It's Bella, isn't it?"

"Wh-what? Bella Swan? Rosalie's best friend, the police chief's daughter, Bella? Of course it isn't her. God, no! Ridiculous." I added a hearty snort to make my point.

"Wow. You're totally in love with her."

"I'm not in love with her—"

"But you do like her."

"No, I don't."

"You totally jerk off to her, don't you?"

"Fuck off."

"It's okay, I was still jerking off at fifteen. I'm not now, though. Sucker!"

If he wasn't driving I would have punched him in the arm, _hard_. Instead, I crossed my arms over my chest and stared out the window for the rest of the ride home. I should never have said anything.

Back at home, my parents were in the kitchen cooking dinner together. Well, 'cooking' wasn't exactly accurate. They were making out. Barf.

"I think I've lost my appetite. Must you do that all the time?" I yanked open the fridge and pulled out the carton of OJ, taking a long swig.

"Must you do that all the time?" My mom chastised as I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

"I think drinking from the juice container is a lot less disgusting than sucking face all the time. Aren't you a little old for that?"

My dad snorted as he wrapped his arms around Mom and nuzzled her neck. "Nope. Trust me, it never gets old."

That was disgusting.

"I'll never make out in front of my kids."

"Kids, huh? Is there some girl you're interested in that you haven't told us about?" Dad loved to tease.

Right then, Jasper sauntered into the kitchen and added his two cents.

"Try the police chief's daughter."

I wanted to fucking kill him.

My mom grinned. "Aww! You have a crush on Isabella?"

"I do not. She's not my type."

"What is your type – Mike Newton?"

"Yeah, Jazz, Newton's totally my type." I spoke with a lisp to make my point. It's called sarcasm and I'm quite fluent in it.

As I glared at him, I caught my parents exchanging a look I couldn't quite figure out. I fully understood after dinner though when my they called me into the living room for a talk. Little did I know that it would turn into 'The Talk'.

Lord help me.

Mom started us off.

"You're 15 now, Edward. 15-year olds tend to think about sex."

"A lot," Dad interjected.

"And thinking turns into wanting, and—"

My cheeks were already flaming.

"Oh God, please don't do this."

"Believe me – this is just as awkward for your father and me."

"Uh, yeah, I doubt that."

"We probably should have had this talk a while ago. In any case, we're having it now."

I covered my hands with my face and prayed it was quick and painless.

"Have you had sexual relations before?"

My mother asking if I'd had 'sexual relations' made me want to throw up. This was not going to be painless.

"Like with another person? No!" I wished my voice hadn't sounded like a prepubescent boy. Wait, I was one. Shit.

Pretty sure it was Mom who gave a happy sigh as Dad continued.

"Obviously you've masturbated before, and that feels good, doesn't it?"

Was he expecting me to reply?

"Never mind, we all know the answer to that. I'm encouraging you to continue masturbating; there's no harm in that. As for your relationship with Bella—"

"There is no 'relationship' with Bella. God!"

"Okay, sorry. In any relationship, you must respect boundaries. Taking a girl on a date doesn't mean she owes you anything – not a kiss, or anything more…intimate. It's hard, heh heh, to be a gentleman sometimes. Trust me."

Again, eewwww.

"But _always_ be respectful. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, I get it. Can I go?"

Mom shook her head. "So, do you actually have feelings for Bella?"

"I don't think she's my type."

"What is your type?"

Right then, I should have been honest and told them, hell yes, she's totally my type. Instead I remained tight-lipped, and simply shrugged.

"Your mom and I want you to know that whatever you decide in life, we will support you. If you were perhaps interested in say….men, we'd still love you."

I was completely oblivious to what he was insinuating.

"Great, thanks, I can go now? Wait a sec, did you say … ewww! No! I'm not interested in men!"

My mom patted my hand. "It's okay, Edward, if you are."

"I'm not!"

"We've always known you were … different … from your brother."

"Different? Yeah we're different. We have different fathers! That's not what you're talking about though, is it?"

They both shrugged as I asked.

"I'm no different than Jasper! I like boobs, and porn and all that stuff. When I jerk off— never mind." I scrubbed my hands over my embarrassed face. Even though I'd pretty much just bared my most intimate thoughts, my parents still didn't look convinced.

"Listen, I may not be having sex all the time like Jasper, but I want to, okay? With a _girl_." I thought it was really important to clarify that point.

"J-Jasper's having s-sex? All the time?" Mom stuttered over her words.

I grinned and nodded. My brother was going to kill me, but it's a dog eat dog world - and I was trying to save my own ass.

"Can I go now?"

"Yes, and send your brother down here."

"Edward, remember what we said. If you're interested in boys, we'll still love you."

"Dad! I'm not gay!" I stomped off to my room.

Jasper knocked on my door a while later. As soon as I let him in, he tackled me to the ground.

"Get off me!"

"Eat shit and die, Edward. Why'd you tell Mom and Dad that Alice and I were having sex?"

"Well, you are, aren't you?"

"No, we're not."

I managed to push him off me and stood up. "Yeah, right, you're not having sex. I'm not stupid." I rolled my eyes. "You told me in the car you don't jerk off anymore."

"I have Alice to do it for me, idiot. There's a lot of other fun things to do besides fucking, baby bro. One day, you'll understand." He patted my head all condescending like as he went to leave then stopped in the doorway.

"I'm supposed to ask you – brother to brother – if you're gay. Mom and Dad think you'll tell me honestly."

"Are you kidding me? No! Hell no! I'm not gay! I don't like dick. I like Bella, okay? I've jerked off to pictures of her in my head the last three nights."

Jasper held his hand up. "Need to know basis. God, that's disgusting. Do you not have a filter?"

I shrugged and gave him the middle finger as he left my room.

Later that night, I was studying for a biology test when there was a quiet knock on my door and my dad let himself in.

"Is this a bad time?"

I shook my head no and set my book down as my dad sat on the edge of my bed.

"I'm sorry if I offended you in any way tonight. That wasn't my intention."

I shrugged. There was no way I was opening up that can of worms again.

"I once kissed another guy."

I wrinkled my nose. Dad gave a nervous laugh.

"It was at a frat party. These two pretty girls told us that it was hot to watch two guys kiss. I think all guys have a fantasy of watching two girls make out."

Ain't that the truth!

"I figured maybe it was just as hot for girls to watch guys. One thing let to another and, well, the girls didn't find it hot. They laughed hysterically and neither Garrett nor I scored that night. The point is, when I kissed Gar, it wasn't awful. So if you are gay—"

"For the love of God, I'm. Not. Gay." I ran my hands through my hair in frustration.

"Okay, okay. Sorry."

We sat awkwardly for a few minutes as I picked imaginary lint off my blanket.

"Anyway, I wanted to tell you that no matter what, we love you. I'm sorry if we offended you tonight. There's no parenting handbook that tells you exactly what to do all the time. Maybe you can be a writer when you grow up and pen that book."

"The first sentence will be 'don't call your son gay when he's clearly not."

"Point taken." Dad got up and ruffled my hair. "You need a haircut and your rooms stinks. Good night, Son."

"Night, Dad."

After he left my room, I studied for a while and then, well, I got distracted. I tossed my biology textbook aside, pulled open my nightstand drawer and reached for the bottle of lotion I'd 'borrowed' from Rosalie. Kicking off the blankets, I pumped lotion into my right hand before I wrapped it around my hard-on, thoughts of Bella in my head.

Long, brown hair that smelled ridiculously good. Tight ass. Perky boobs. I wondered what her pussy looked like. I'd never actually seen one in real life, but that didn't stop me from imagining.

Apparently I was so lost in the images of Bella, I didn't hear the quiet rap on my bedroom door. Funny, because I clearly heard my mom's gasp and subsequent screech as she dropped an armful of my clean laundry on the floor. I scrambled for my quilt to cover myself, knowing full well Mom had gotten an eyeful already.

Of course, Dad, Jasper, and Rosalie all came running in to see what was the matter. Thank God Jake sleeps like the dead.

"What's going on?" Dad looked genuinely concerned.

"Uh, nothing. I was bringing Edward his laundry and I, uh, thought I saw a spider. And then I dropped the clothes."

I snatched up my bio textbook and held it open for them to see.

"I was studying. You know, test tomorrow."

Jasper chuckled. "You're up late studying the male reproductive system? Explains why you're pitching a tent."

For fuck's sake, that's the page I opened up to? I doubted it could get any worse.

I was wrong.

"Is that my lotion on your nightstand?" Rosalie quirked her eyebrow. "Why do you have it?"

"I wonder!"

SHUT UP JASPER!

Kill me now.

"Okay, everyone, let's all go back to bed and let Edward finish. Studying, I mean."

I guess I could have thanked my dad for getting everyone out of my room but all I wanted to do was die – curl up into a ball, combust into flames, and die. After I got off would've been better but at that point, I'd take anything.

Mom blushed; Jasper laughed hysterically. Rosalie once again asked for her lotion back as Dad suggested she let me keep it. He left my room with a concerned look on his face. So much for dispelling any notion of me being gay.

You see why I want to move out, or at the very least get a lock on my bedroom door?

Like I often did, I pulled my journal out from its hiding spot and scribbled out a poem. Journal, not diary - just wanted to make that clear. Yeah, it's sort of nerdy but it's nice to have a place I can vent, ya know?

_Tonight I got caught jerking off_

_All because I didn't hear my mother knock._

_Now my sister wants her lotion back_

_But I need when I have the urge to whack._

_And damn it, I didn't even get to finish_

_But now my boner has now diminished._

_Fuck my life_

_And all its strife._

_Goodnight_.

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**Hi!**

**My real life's been busy with 2 big kids, a puppy and Baby Emma**

**Which leaves me with little time to write – a real delimma**

**But finally I'm ready to post**

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**Thanks for reading; I hope you'll review**

**This little story of mine that's new.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

After what Jasper coined 'Mastur-Gate 2013', there was a week plus of harassment. Yeah, my brother's an asshole. First thing the next morning he waltzed into my room asking if I had any lotion he could borrow. Hilarious. Then came the not-so-funny self-love jokes spread randomly throughout the week.

During breakfast: "Edward, have you ever wondered how masturbation and procrastination are similar? It's all fun and games until you realized you're only fucking yourself." I really could have done without his snort and knee slap.

Driving to school: "Hey, do you know how Pinocchio discovered he was made of wood? His right hand caught on fire."

Even I could admit that was funny, but I just glared at him.

At the dinner table: "I've often wondered, if you're right-handed but one day masturbate with your left, is it considered cheating?"

Jake followed that with "What's 'masturbate'?" Mom quickly changed the subject with a disapproving look for Jasper. He merely shrugged and told Jake he'd understand in a couple years.

Jasper was kind enough to tell me I should name my dick Lance after Lance ARMstrong. Hardy har har. I informed him that his name was actually Big Man or BM for short, thank you very much. When he finally stopped laughing he explained that BM was short for bowel movement. Naturally I thought he was shitting me (no pun intended) but nope, Dad confirmed it. Great, more ammunition for Jasper to use against me.

The last straw happened when we were driving home with both Rosalie and Bella in the car.

"Edward, what do you call a girl who likes a guy with a small dick? Your girlfriend."

Can you say 'mortified'? When we got home, I sucker punched him in the gut for that one.

"Enough with the jokes, ass-wipe. What's it going to take to get you to shut the fuck up about it already?"

"Fifty bucks."

"Nice try, asshole."

"Have I told you the story of the guy who masturbated so much—"

"Okay, okay! Fine!"

I paid Jasper his fifty bucks (pretty much all the money to my name) and hoped the incident would soon be forgotten.

Unfortunately, it wasn't. I swear if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!

After dinner one night, I was blindsided by my own father. Well, stepfather, but you know what I mean.

"Edward, can I see you in my study?"

My mom skillfully avoided my eyes, while Jasper, Rosalie and Jake all immaturely 'ooh'ed'. Can't say I blame them – I totally would have done the same thing if it was someone else being called into the study. We all knew from experience that any discussions in there were uncomfortable at best.

Like when Jasper was ten and I was nine - he called me a loser and I told him to blow me. Mom overheard and demanded to know what I'd said. Of course I repeated it. I shrugged when she asked me if I knew what it meant. I didn't but I certainly did after ten minutes in the study with Dad. Funny how at the time I thought it was disgusting. Idiot.

Any time one of us kids were in trouble, our punishment and subsequent groundings were given in the study. Nothing good comes from being alone with Dad in there, trust me. There are times Mom's come out of there looking disheveled even. I suspected tonight would be no different so I started to BS my way out of it.

"It's, uh, my turn to clean up."

"I don't mind doing it again, bro." Jasper was so kind to volunteer. Fucker.

"I was going to ask Rosalie to help me with my math homework."

Considering she was sort of a numbers genius it was plausible.

"I can help you later, Edward, no worries." Fuck you very much, Rose.

"Actually, Dad, I promised Jake I'd shoot hoops after dinner."

"No you didn't."

"It was a surprise." I smiled at him sweetly but Dad wasn't buying it.

"Edward, now please."

You can't argue with that fatherly voice – believe me, I've tried. With a heavy sigh I followed him down the hallway.

"Please shut the door."

Ugh.

He sat down behind his desk and I eased myself into the chair opposite him. The leather creaked and was cold on my backside as I settled into it. I put my arms on the armrest first but that wasn't comfortable because they were too high for me. So I put my hands in my lap and folded them but that felt like I was praying. Finally, I wiped the sweat from my palms onto my jeans and looked up at Dad.

And he just stared back at me. He didn't say anything for a bit, just looked at me like he was studying me or trying to read my mind or something. It was freaking me out.

I drummed my fingers on my thighs and raised my eyebrows at him.

"Do you know why I called you in here?"

"I have no idea."

He leaned forward, fingers laced together on the desktop in front of him.

"It's about the other night."

I groaned. "Don't go there, please. I'm begging you."

"You said you're interested in girls. I believe you said you liked breasts and pornography."

I scrubbed my hands over my face. Although I appreciated him not saying boobs and porn, hearing either of those words from his mouth wasn't any better.

"And yet, you were clearly masturbating to pictures of the male reproductive system."

Oh fuck me.

"I wasn't!"

"Please, let me finish. This isn't easy for me either, son."

Despite my protests, he continued. I couldn't look at him. Instead, I focused on the Persian rug on the ground. The pattern swirled in circle after circle, blending red with gold and burgundy. As the circles were never ending, so was his lecture.

"I wasn't going to say anything but I can't get the image of you doing...that... while looking at a flaccid penis."

Confirmed: I was going to die a slow and tortured death.

"Edward, I truly believe people who are gay are born that way. Your mom and I always suspected you might be…different. You were always off in your own world, liked to play with Rosalie's dolls and Barbies."

And I did but that's because Barbie's hot. Long blonde hair, tiny waist, and big, perky boobs. Please tell me you can appreciate where I'm coming from because otherwise this is a tad awkward.

"And that's okay. We are okay with you being gay. In some states, Washington included, you will even be able to marry."

Seriously, I was preparing myself for him to break out one of those multicolored gay pride banners. Instead Dad kept talking. He went so far as to let me know my future husband and I could even look into surrogacy or adoption should we wish for children one day. For fucks sake, I'm fifteen. I don't want fucking kids. I want to get laid, sure, but I don't want to even think about having a baby – with a chick or a dude.

I shook my head because I had no words. Dad's mouth kept moving, as he droned on and on. I continued my assessment of the rug. It really was beautiful and I'm sure cost a fortune.

"You told us you aren't having sex but I'm sure, one day soon, the time will come. There are some things you should know before that happens."

From his desk drawer he pulled out props. Fucking props! I can't make this shit up, people. And not just any kind of props, though - he was equipped with a fully erect, condom clad penis and an ass. No, I don't mean a donkey. An actual ass. I wish I was shitting you - no pun intended. Dad turned it so the asshole was facing me. I dropped my eyes back to the rug, praying those never-ending circles could swallow me up.

"Now, son, I have some concerns and, as a doctor, I wouldn't feel right not addressing them. Before you engage in full-on anal intercourse, I would encourage you to try other pleasurable sexual acts involving the anus. First and foremost, lubricate to avoid risking a tear. Personally, I'd recommend KY or something similar."

The fact that he said 'personally' _really_ disturbed me. Like, I'm going to need therapy, disturbing.

"Contrary to some reports out there butter, margarine, and olive oil are not good ideas either, even in a pinch."

I admit, for a brief moment I wondered why not and when I looked up to ask why, the asshole – not my Dad but the actual asshole – was staring right at me. I dropped my eyes back down.

"Just remember that - no food products for lubrication. Trust me."

'Trust me'? Gag me!

"Anyway, there are other fun things you can participate in before you go all the way. Pegging, anilingus, butt plugs, fingering and object insertion."

He brought out a pen and I thought he was going to write something down for me but instead he went to demonstrate 'object insertion.'

Remember that expensive Persian rug? Well, it was suddenly covered in vomit. My vomit. So much for Mom's amazing dinner of lasagna, garlic bread, and Caesar salad. What a waste of a great meal.

I retched and retched; projectile vomiting over the entire rug. Dad was by my side, comforting hand on my back, until I was left dry-heaving. Sure, now he gives a shit.

"Edward! Are you okay?"

"I told you I wasn't gay! That shit's nasty! Who does that? And what the hell is pegging? Never mind, I don't want to know. God!"

"I'm sorry. Honest, after seeing you with the biology book open to...that page...and touching yourself, your mom and I thought you were playing for the other team."

"I was jerking off to thoughts of Bella's tits and ass, not some guy's dick, okay? The book was a cover up."

"Not a good one."

"Thanks. That makes me feel tonnes better."

"So, you're really not gay?"

"Really? Gah!"

"Okay! I believe you, I'm sorry. Here." Dad passed me a glass of water and I downed it in a few gulps. He opened the window to let the stench out, then smirked at me.

"So, Bella huh?"

I held up my hand. "Don't you think I've been through enough tonight? Can I just go to my room?"

"I guess you're right. You can go."

"Thank you."

"Can you ask your mom to bring in the steam cleaner?"

"Uh huh."

"One more thing before you go, son."

I was fully expecting a heartfelt apology. Something along the lines of "I'm really sorry I've traumatized you for life."

I was wrong.

"What I was saying about anal play, it applies in heterosexual couples as well. Always lubricate and –"

I was trying hard to suppress the bile that was threatening to spew again.

"Yeah, never mind. We'll have this talk again in a few years." His grin was sickening and his wink downright disgusting.

"No, we won't. You will never mention anal sex, or anilingus, or pegging, or any of that other nasty shit again. Ever! Promise me right now!"

Dad rolled his eyes. "It's human nature to be curious about things. You may find you like –"

I plugged my fingers into my ears. "Shut up! Just shut up!"

I stomped down the hall, mumbled to Mom that Dad needed the steam cleaner and shut myself in my room for the remainder of the night. I had a feeling my college fund was going to be spent on psychologists and medication.

Sprawled on my bed, I grabbed a pen and wrote in my journal.

_What started out as Mastur-Gate 2013 _

_And included many jokes about my peen_

_Got worse when my parents thought I was gay_

_And then Dad went on to explain all about ass play._

_I puked all over their Persian rug_

_When he mentioned a butt plug._

_I have no idea what pegging is_

_But I bet it wouldn't make me jizz._

_My ass will always be uncharted territory_

_End of fucking story!_

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**Thanks for reading. I hope you'll leave a review. They make this tired momma smile.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I didn't think life after the anal sex talk could get much worse. Mind you, I thought the same thing after Mom- and basically my entire family- walked in on me wanking off, too. What was worse - Mastur-gate or Anal Adventures with Dad? Hmmm, tough call. Surely, I'd had my fill of awkward moments.

Wrong.

The next embarrassing time around Rosalie and Jasper played a hand in my demise.

Sprawled out on my bed on a Saturday morning, I was lazily strumming on my guitar - because guys who play guitar are always hot - when Rose knocked on my door. At least she waited until I answered before she came in. She sat down beside me, sighing heavily a few times. I rolled my eyes and ignored her. After the fifth such sigh I relented.

"What?"

"I have the biggest favor EVER to ask you."

I rolled my eyes. "The answer's no."

"Come on, Edward. I really need a favor." She drew out 'really' to make her point.

"What?"

"I, uh, kind of need you to go to the store for me."

"Go yourself, you lazy sack."

"I can't."

"Ask Mom, Dad, or Jasper. I'm busy."

"Mom and Jake are at his soccer practice. Dad's not off night shift, and Jasper's out."

She actually pouted at me, bottom lip sticking way out. Like I'd fall for that.

"Please, Edward. I have really bad cramps right now and was hoping you could go to the store to buy me some tampons—"

I started singing 'la-la-la-la' to drown her out. No, just no. I don't want to know she's having her...I can't even say _that_ word. And I certainly don't want to buy her those _things, _just no!

Rosalie batted her eyelashes as me, forgetting I was her _brother_ and not Emmett McCarty.

"Edward, please. It's like an emergency."

I held up my hand. "No fucking way. Go buy your own fucking … provisions."

Her eyelashes stopped fluttering and her blue eyes turned icy as she narrowed them at me.

"If you don't go for me, I'm going to call Bella and tell her you like her."

"Whatev."

"And then I'll tell her we all walked in on you jerking off."

I guess she figured out why I had her lotion.

"You wouldn't."

"Wanna bet?"

The evil quirk of eyebrow assured me she wasn't bluffing. To make her point she crossed her arms over her chest and simply stared at me, stupid smirk on her face. I was fucked.

"Fine. What flavor do you need?"

Rosalie snorted. "It's not ice cream, Edward."

"You know what I mean."

"Whatever's on sale; I don't care. Here's twenty bucks, that'll more than cover it."

"Don't expect any change back."

"Good. I was hoping you'd buy your own hand-job lotion."

"Ha, ha. Very funny. I hope there's some kid outside of the convenience store. I'll bribe him to buy them for me."

I personally thought it was a great idea but Rosalie mocked me. Again.

"Bootlegging tampons?" She snorted.

"Yeah, why not?"

"I'm pretty sure bootlegging is illegal."

"Bootlegging illicit tampons. Oooohhh! I'm such a rebel."

"Can you imagine if you got arrested for that? Oh my God, that would be the best thing ever!"

I frowned, because with my luck that's exactly what would happen. My mug shot plastered all over the six o'clock news. I'd be known around town as the 'Teen Tampon Trafficker'. Awesome.

Throwing on a baseball cap to keep my identity as much a secret as possible, I headed out with Rosalie's cash. I purposely avoided the 7-11 store closest to our house in case anyone I knew was around, and walked an extra 15 minutes to the Fred Meyer instead. See what a nice brother I am? I grabbed a basket and threw in other random stuff, trying to make it look like I was a normal guy out doing some shopping. A pack of gum, Oreos, and tampons. You know, regular Joe stuff.

With several glances over my shoulder, I found myself in the feminine hygiene aisle. It was daunting, at best. Pink boxes, blue boxes, row upon row of pads, panty liners (WTF?) and tampons. Fuck. I had no idea there were so many choices in 'protection'. And what the fuck does the woman need protection from? If anything, it's us guys that need the protection from them and their PMS!

Besides all the different brands of the stuff, there were different sizes. Did vaginas vary in size that much? I had no friggin' clue! And scented? Really? Now _that_ was gross. Did Rosalie need slender, regular, or plus? And what the hell was super? Were they like double stuff Oreos? Eeeew! I'd never eat Oreos again! I put the bag of cookies on the shelf beside all the tampons.

I should have gotten clarification from Rosalie before I left the house. I wasn't about to spend more time in the aisle than necessary so I grabbed one box of everything. Playtex – regular and sport, Tampax – super and slender, scented and non, Carefree, OB, and Enjoy. Really – Carefree and Enjoy? Find me a girl who is carefree and enjoying her period. How ridiculous.

Right there, I made it my goal to come up with a new brand of feminine hygiene product and slogan that wasn't so absurd as 'Carefree.' I'd call them 'Bloody Hell' and wrap them up in a black box with the slogan 'For your period of mourning.' And the commercial certainly wouldn't feature some girl decked out in full makeup, wearing an all white ensemble playing tennis or frolicking at the beach. She'd look like hell in dirty sweatpants and a tee, her hair in a ponytail, lazing around on the couch, eating chips and chocolate. What? That's pretty much what Rosalie does!

Yep, 'Bloody Hell' was going to make me rich. Genius, that's what I was. And currently smiling like an idiot in the feminine hygiene aisle of my local Fred Meyer.

As I was about to leave, I spotted one last product that caught my eye – something called a 'Diva Cup'. Rosalie certainly was a diva – could it be any more perfect? Discreetly, I read the back of the package.

Re-usable. Cost effective, excellent.

12-hour leak-free protection. Girls leaked? Fucking gross!

Ideal for women of all shapes and sizes. Perfect! There goes the mystery of small, medium, or large.

And last but not least - durable. Who doesn't want durable?

SOLD!

I put back all the other boxes and sauntered up to the check-out very pleased with my find.

Except when I got home, Rosalie was less than impressed with my selection. I do believe she called me a motherfucking idiot. Me calling her ungrateful, followed by bitch, didn't bode well. After all that, I was forced to trek back to the store. I had no choice - she blackmailed me with unfortunate photos of me with a mud mask and cucumbers on my eyes being 'leaked' to Facebook.

At least that time I was given a specific brand to purchase – Tampax Slender.

Slender, my ass. Rosalie's not exactly skinny, just sayin'.

Too lazy to walk back to Fred Meyer, I went to the 7-11 around the corner from our house. The only Tampax brand they had was super absorbency. I grabbed them and made my way to the till. Too fucking bad if they weren't the right ones. Rose was just going to have to shove them up her—

"Edward?"

Oh God, please don't let that be—

"Bella! Hi. What brings you to the feminine hygiene aisle?"

Idiot!

"I mean how neat that you and Rosalie are cycle buddies."

Seriously, how the fuck does my brain come up with that shit? 'Cycle Buddies'? Really? Even if I knew Jasper and I were jerking off at the same time, I'd never call him my 'Beat-off Brother'.

"Actually, I'm here getting a slurpee." There was a smirk playing on her lips when she answered me.

I dropped the box of cooter corks like a hot potato.

"Yeah, me too. I was just here browsing."

Bella called my bluff.

"You were browsing super absorbency tampons on a Saturday morning?"

I shrugged, trying to feign innocence. "I've always been curious about the different brands and stuff. They have scented tampons over at Fred Meyer. I don't know if it's mint or peach or something different. I'll have to do more research. Do you know they make something called a 'Diva Cup'? It's durable and reusable. You should look into it. You could save yourself some money in the long run."

I begged myself to shut up. Was it too much to ask that just once I could come across as cool?

Bella stood there, sipping on her slurpee, and let me ramble.

"You're certainly a wealth of tampon information."

I grinned. "Just call me Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen."

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Bella laughed. "Okay, then. I should get going. Tell Rosalie I'll call her later."

"Yeah, okay sure. Don't forget to research the Diva cup before your next—"

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

"—never mind. Bye, Bella."

"Bye, Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen." Her using air quotes made me want to die.

As I watched her walk away I was pretty sure I heard Bella snickering. Of course she was. I was a total moron.

I assure you, in my head our conversation went a lot differently. In my perfect world I would have confessed to buying tampons for my cramp-stricken sister. Because of my empathy, Bella would fall madly in love with me – an unconventional start to our relationship - which would lead to marriage, a white picket fence, and two-point-five kids.

Instead, the girl I was crushing on thought I was a total freak who not only perused the selection of tampons at the local corner store on weekends but also did extensive research on them, and pimped out the Diva Cup as the best bang for your buck. Awesome.

The worst part was I still had to buy Rosalie her stupid tampons or risk her telling Bella even more embarrassing things about me.

Once home, I threw the box at Rosalie who was sitting at the kitchen table with Jasper.

"Here are your stupid tampons."

"Fucker, Edward." Jasper cursed me and I quirked him an eyebrow while Rosalie grinned.

"I actually don't have my period."

"Wh-what?" I looked back and forth between them trying to figure out what was going on.

Jasper swore under his breath as he handed Rosalie a fifty dollar bill. Probably the same fifty I paid him to shut up about Mastur-Gate.

"I didn't think you'd be that easy to convince. I was wrong. Thanks a lot." Rosalie gratefully took the money from him and stuffed it into her bra.

"Nice doing business with you, Jazz."

"Wait a sec, you just made money off me?"

"Well, not really. I had to pay you the twenty. Duh."

"Which I spent on your tampons and Diva Cup!"

"A diva what?"

"Trust me Jasper, you don't want to know. Now tell me what the fuck just happened?"

"He and I had a bet." Rosalie gestured between her and Jasper. "I said I could convince any man to do anything for me. Jasper suggested the tampons; I won. By the way, Jazz, I think I should get extra for the purchase of the Diva Cup."

I stomped off to my room as the two of them argued over the logistics of their bet. Fucking assholes. In the sanctity of my room I took my journal out from its hiding spot to write out my frustrations.

_This afternoon I saw Bella at the store_

_I should have run right out the door_

_I went and messed everything up_

_By telling her to buy the Diva Cup_

_If only I had flirted _

_Instead she thinks I'm perverted_

_And thinks my nickname is Tampon _

_God, I'm such a moron._

_One day I'll get my shit together_

_And tell her I want her for forever._

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**Thank you all for reading and reviewing!**_  
_


	4. Chapter 4

**Many thanks to MapleStyle, Lolo84, and Capricorn75 for all their help. A special thank you to Maple's hubby who verified the information found here.  
**

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**Chapter 4**

Not wanting to see my pain in the ass siblings, I spent a lot of time in my room after the traumatizing "call me Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen." I still have no idea what possessed me to say that.

If a man's house is his castle, then a guy's bedroom room should be considered sacred ground. Personally, I keep stuff in there that I don't want other people to touch - like my Avatar figurines - and that I don't want other people to know about- like Rosalie's hand lotion and magazines (the dirty kind).

Guys do _stuff _in their room that's private. You and I both know I'm not talking about doodling hearts with my name and a girl's in a journal. We jerk off – a lot. Sometimes we do it in the shower, other times in bed. If Kleenex is available, we use that. If not, a sock works. There are times - okay, often - when under my bed is a collection of used Kleenex and spunk filled socks. Sue me. I'm a guy; we're gross. And too lazy to clean up after ourselves.

I burp, fart, and scratch my balls in the privacy of my room. Yeah, I do this outside my bedroom as well but in my bedroom I don't have to apologize for it. And it stinks most of the time. Sometimes the combination of smells is so bad I go a little crazy with a hit or two of Axe body spray to try to cover it up. Yeah, I know that doesn't really work, but sometimes the stench is too bad even for me.

In case you're wondering, I keep my porn collection under my mattress. It's pretty lame compared to Jasper's. Mine is a couple of Victoria's Secret catalogue - that Mom had thrown out - and two Playboy magazines. One is from the 1970's - 'borrowed' from my dad (and really, the full-on hairy beaver down below isn't a huge turn on, but hey - a boob's a boob). The other mag is a more recent issue that I stole from my brother. He'd kill me for that, by the way. It's probably not cool to steal another man's porn, but my collection was especially lacking so I took one of Jasper's. I try not to think about him wanking off to the same pictures as me when I'm doing it, 'cause that's just weird.

In my desk drawer is a half used box of condoms. Yes, I'm still a virgin, but I like to practice putting a rubber on so I'm ready should the opportunity arise. Heh, heh. Arise. Anyway. Also hidden somewhere in my desk is a package of Players cigarettes. Mom and Dad would kick my ass for those more than the bottle of vodka that's hidden in my closet - both of which I paid a pretty penny for. It's not easy to get someone to buy that shit for you without paying an arm and a leg. I'm very thankful for my buddy Tyler's older brother who charged us far less than anyone else.

Tossed about my room are clothes – both dirty and clean. Yes, even underwear with the occasional skid marks. Relax, I said occasional - it's not a daily problem. There's also a bunch of dirty dishes and damp towels. Eventually I'll put them away. My bed is rarely made and doubtful my sheets are currently clean but whatev.

FYI: None of the above bothers me. I like my room the way it is, stench and all, thank you very much.

Apparently, though, it bothered my mother. Wait 'til you hear this one.

I came home from school and went right up to my room. I was still pissed at Rose and Jasper and didn't particularly want to spend time with them. I threw my backpack into its usual pile on the floor with plans to start homework after I grabbed a snack from the kitchen. My first clue something was wrong was that my backpack hit the wood floor with a thump. Usually it lands soundlessly on clothes or towels, but this made a distinct 'thump'.

What. The. Fuck.

That's when I noticed what was wrong. There were no clothes on the floor. In fact, it was completely free and clear of dishes and towels, too. My desk had been straightened up and my bed was made. It even smelled clean.

No! No! No! This was so wrong! It didn't feel like home.

"Mom! Mom!" Yelling her name, I stomped down the stairs to the kitchen and found both my parents sitting there.

"Mom! What the heck happened in my … room."

Seeing some of my prized possessions displayed on the kitchen table stopped the words from coming out of my mouth.

Cigarettes.

Condoms.

Vodka.

My magazines.

"Oh shit."

"Have a seat." Dad did not look enthused in the slightest and Mom had watery eyes like she'd been crying.

I wasn't sure which route to take – pissed off, brooding teen or go straight to remorseful. I went with the former.

"Why were you in my room?" I demanded; eyes narrowed at Mom, the obviously guilty one.

"Don't you be upset with your mother. She was actually doing you a favor by cleaning up that hazardous waste you live in."

I snorted. "Is that what she's calling it instead of what it really was – snooping?"

"I wasn't!" For effect, Mom gave a sob and Dad put a comforting arm around her. Why wasn't anyone comforting me? It was my stuff!

"Care to explain the cigarettes? The vodka? The half used box of condoms? I thought you said you were a virgin?" The word 'virgin' was whispered from my mom's mouth.

"Start with the cigarettes, son."

I pinched the bridge of my nose and then shrugged.

"I wanted to try them. Sometimes at parties I smoke one, you know?" The truth was I hated smoking but I wanted to look cool so I usually just walked around with the pack in my hand to make it look like I smoked.

"Do you think that makes you look cool?" Dad used air quotes around 'cool' which only served to make him un-cool.

"I dunno."

"Do you think it'll be cool to have chemotherapy? Lose all your hair? Have a lung removed all because you wanted to fit in with the guys? What about the alcohol? Do you know what cirrhosis of the liver looks like? I do and I just so happen to have a few photos right here."

Sometimes it really sucked to have a doctor for a dad. He made me look at picture after picture of healthy livers versus livers with cirrhosis. Then I looked at cancer-stricken lungs and healthy lungs.

"Dad, I get it."

"And why do you have my Victoria Secret catalogues? Do you secretly want to dress in woman's lingerie?"

Pretty sure I caught Dad smirking.

"What? No! I...I like the pictures?" My answer came out as a question and my face was burning. It took Mom a second or two but the moment she figured it out she was just as red as I was. Thank God Dad changed the subject.

"And the condoms?"

"You're sexually active, aren't you? Is it with a …. a boy?" Mom was back to whispering. And sobbing.

"Not that again! I swear I'm not having sex – with a guy or a girl. And, once again, for the record, I'm not gay! I was, uh, practicing, you know? So I know what I'm doing when the time comes."

I thought I was going to die of embarrassment.

"That's a very good idea, Edward." Dad said then clarified. "Not that I want you having sexual intercourse anytime soon, but I like that you're a forward thinker."

I guess that was one positive in my favor.

"We are only confiscating things we've both deemed inappropriate for a boy your age. Obviously, we're talking about the alcohol and tobacco. Against your mother's wishes, you can have your condoms back. Your, uh, reading material we are returning to you, minus one that is mine and technically a collector's item." He raised an eyebrow at me.

'Collector's item' my ass. Dad had a hard on for hairy pussies. Eww! That must mean my mom….oh my God. Sign me up for more therapy, I'm going to need it.

"What about the socks, Carlisle? That can't be normal. I think I should call a podiatrist. How long have you had trouble with your feet, Edward?"

"Wh-what? I don't have any trouble with my feet." I scratched my head.

Light bulb.

Oh my fuck! She was talking about my wank socks.

Dad put his hand on her arm and shook his head slightly.

"Esme, don't worry about it."

"How can I not worry about it? He had dozen of socks under his bed that were crusty. He must have a terrible case of athlete's foot or something. Oh! And I wanted to discuss the phlegm issue as well, Edward. I've never noticed you coughing but from all the wadded up Kleenex under your bed, there's certainly an issue. When did this start?"

I looked to Dad for some kind of help. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse…

"Oh my God, Carlisle! Do you think he already has lung cancer?"

Dad lost it, letting out a hearty laugh. "From five cigarettes, Esme? No, I'm sure that's not the case."

"But the phlegm! That can't be normal."

"Our son is more normal than you think, dear. Edward, probably best if you go up to your room so your mom and I can have a private talk." He handed me back my porn collection - minus one 'collector's item' - and I clutched them to my chest. "One last thing, no more booze and cigarettes, got it?"

"Loud and clear!"

As I was leaving I bumped into Rosalie and Bella in the hallway.

"Hey, Loser."

"Hi, Edward."

I rolled my eyes at Rosalie and said hello to Bella.

"I'll grab us a snack, Bells, back in a sec."

That left Bella and I alone together.

Please don't mention tampons, please!

"So, uh, how are you?" I asked.

"Good. Whatcha reading?"

Without thinking I showed her the magazines. Thankfully, if you could call it that, one of the Victoria Secret catalogues was on top and not the Playboy. I had to think on the fly and you know that's not my forte.

"Oh, I'm just looking for something to buy my mom for Mother's Day."

Right, because all good sons buy their mom's skimpy lingerie for Mother's Day.

"Aww, that's sweet. Can I take a look? There was a really cute robe in the last issue, she might like that."

Before I could respond, Bella took the catalogue from me and started to flip through it.

"Some of these pages are stuck together."

Oh. My. God.

"Hhhmm. I can't find it."

Bella closed it and looked at the front cover.

"That's why - this is an old catalogue. I think I have the new one at home, I'll bring it over for you the next time I'm here."

"That would be great, yeah, thanks. I gotta go."

"Sure, see you later."

I practically ran up to my room.

As I sat down on my bed with my journal, I thought about the day. Mom and Dad successfully embarrassed me again and Bella not only touched my wank-a-zine, she was going to bring me new jerk off material. All-in-all, not a bad day. I've had worse.

_My mom thinks I'm dying_

_It's her own fault for spying._

_Crusty socks and wads of tissue_

_Are really not a medical issue._

_I think I jerk off as much as any teen_

_What can I say – I love my peen_

_I just happened to leave evidence behind_

_At least Dad didn't say I would go blind._

_He did re-claim the mag with the hairy va-jay-jay_

_It's okay - that's so passe.  
_

_How embarrassing that soon mom will know the scoop_

_Which is that I don't have cancer or croup._

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**See you next Monday for the next chapter  
**

**I promise you more laughter**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing**

**Your kind words leave me swooning**

**xoxox**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sending love to my girls: MapleStyle, Lolo84, Capricorn75. I couldn't do this without them xo. And thank you, dear readers, for your kind reviews and hilarious comments.  
**

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**Chapter 5**

The morning after the spunky sport socks shenanigans, Mom called Rosalie, Jasper, and me down to the laundry room for what she called an important announcement.

"From now on, everyone in this household does their own laundry."

Apparently she knew I didn't have cancer, phlegm, or athlete's foot. Awesome.

"Why isn't Jacob here, then?" Rosalie huffed impatiently so Mom clarified.

"Correction. Everyone over the age of 14 does their own laundry."

I hated to be the one to break it to her, but if she was hoping to avoid nasty socks, she was going to need to lower her age requirement to at least 13, maybe even 12.

Mom's cell phone rang and she told us to stay put while she took the call. As soon as she was out of the room, Jasper smacked the back of my head, hard.

"Ow! What was that for?" I would have punched him back but I was rubbing the sore spot.

"This is your fault, douche. I heard Dad telling Mom about your saucy socks. And now, because of you, we all have to do our own laundry."

Rosalie looked confused. "What are 'saucy socks'? Do I want to know?"

I shook my head no but, of course, Jasper enlightened her.

"When Easy E here jerks off, he's too lazy to clean up so he jizzes into a sock."

Rose gagged. "Your own socks, right? It's bad enough you use my lotion."

"Yes, I use my own socks. God. I'm not alone in this, I'm sure Jasper does it too. It's a guy thing."

"Actually, I'm a shower splooger."

Friggin' Jasper and his OCD - I should have known. Before I could ask if he made up the word 'splooger' Mom was back.

"Okay, where was I? Right, teaching you three how to do your own laundry."

"Why can't you do it? You're a stay-at-home mom, aren't you? Doesn't that mean you kind of work for us?"

I shook my head, silently calling my brother a dumbass. Yes, we all thought that - but to tell Mom? No, just no. Idiot.

"No, Jasper, that does not mean I 'work for you'. I think it's high time you kids learned some basic life skills. Today is laundry. Next week I'm thinking your dad should give you cooking classes."

The three of us all rolled our eyes.

"If you prefer, I can skip cooking classes and go straight to how to thoroughly clean a bathroom. From toilets to shower stalls." She cocked an eyebrow at Jasper and me. Pretty sure Dad told her where else we jerked off.

"Laundry's fine." Jasper conceded and I agreed. I didn't mind cleaning up my own spunk but not my brother's. Fucking nasty.

Mom spent the next hour plus lecturing us on the ins and outs of laundry. She showed us how to sort dirty clothes into whites, darks, and colors, which settings to use, how much detergent, blah, blah, blah. To be honest, I stopped listening. I'm fairly certain she was just pissy about the crusty socks - I can't blame her - but I figured after a week, she'd be over it and back to doing our laundry.

Wrong. She was far more stubborn than I gave her credit for.

By the end of the second week I was running out of clothes to wear. I didn't mind wearing the same pair of jeans two days in a row, or the same shirt to bed and then to school. But even after turning my jockeys inside out to get another day's use out of them I was flat out of clean underwear; not to mention socks. What? Old habits die hard. Heh, heh. Hard.

Clutching an armload of clothes, I made my way down the two flights of stairs to the laundry room. Why the hell was the laundry in the basement – the furthest point from all the bedrooms, how stupid! I dropped crunchy socks and dirty underwear as I went. Laundry was a pain in the ass.

I'd like to tell you I listened to everything Mom had said, but you already know that's not true. I mean, I could have separated all my clothes into whites, darks, and colors but I obviously didn't. That would have made for more loads of laundry. Why would I do multiple loads when I could do one? Yeah, sure, it was one big-ass load but whatever. Three scoops of detergent – one for whites, darks and colors - would surely compensate for that. Quite pleased with myself, I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich while my clothes washed. Mmmm, grilled cheese and peanut butter.

An hour later, I came back to one hell of a mess. The bubbles foaming out of the washing machine was just the beginning. Once I opened the door I figured out why Mom had suggested separating whites from colors. Anything white I owned was pink. Like really fucking pink. Including my tighty-whities.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

"What'd ya do, dipshit?"

"Shut up, Rosie." I threw the words over my shoulder, not bothering to turn about and glare at my sister.

"Mom told you to separate your clothes, loser. Good thing pink suits you."

"For the love of God I'm not gay!"

"Whatever. You're as fruity as a bag of Skittles."

"Can you give me a little help here?" That's me with wishful thinking.

"And touch your spunk socks? No thanks."

Rosalie cackled as she left me to figure things out for myself. Bitch.

"Can I help?"

I hadn't even known Bella was over until her quiet words of assistance were offered. Oh my God! She heard Rose mention spunk socks. Maybe Bella didn't know what that meant. I would just act normal and not mention it.

"I think I'm fine, thanks. You wouldn't want to touch my spunk...I mean, I'm okay."

Sadly, that was me acting normal.

Bella reached for the clothes that were in my hand.

"I don't mind."

Of course she grabbed at my Bart Simpson briefs. Why the hell didn't I wear boxers or something somewhat sexy - unless she found Bart sexy? Doubtful. I quickly tried to grab them from her but a smile broke out on her face.

"Edward, I've seen men's underwear before."

Huh. I'd assumed she was so innocent but, wow, I guess not.

"You – you have? I mean, yeah, of course you have."

Bella smacked my arm.

"Edward! Because I do my dad's laundry all the time."

"Oh." I was an idiot.

"Funny, I would have pegged you for more of a Sponge Bob Square Pants kind of guy."

"Pfffff. Sponge Bob has nothing on Bart Simpson. You know 'Eat my shorts' and 'Aye carumba'…classics."

Bella raised one eyebrow and gave me a funny look. It was then I realized how un-cool I must have sounded.

"So, uh, anyway…You really should have listened to your mom and separated your clothes first, you know. Maybe done a separate load of just socks in extra hot water." She winked as she teased me. I wanted to die! "Now, let's see if we can fix this."

Turns out 'we' meant her, because Bella quite literally pushed me aside and took over. I let her because I had no friggin' clue what I was doing. Working quickly, she separated the darks from the whites, re-washing the darks to get the abundance of soap out. Then, she put the whites into the sink, filled it with hot water, added some bleach and told me to let the clothes soak for a while.

"I'm afraid Bart Simpson is going to forever be tinged pink. And your khaki pants and this shirt aren't salvageable." Bella held up my once navy and white (now navy and pink) striped shirt.

"If those are my only casualties, I'm okay with that." I took the clothes from her intending on tossing them.

"Can…can I have that?" Bella asked, her voice soft and timid, as she held her hand out toward me.

"You want my old shirt?"

She nodded, her lower lip captured by her teeth. Fucking adorable.

"If you don't mind? I like to sleep in over-sized shirts."

Bella wanted to keep my shirt. And she was going to sleep in it. She would be wearing my shirt and nothing else. Holy shit. Instant wood. Aye carumba, indeed.

I cleared my throat and tried not to sound as excited as I felt when I handed it back to her. "Yeah, sure, whatev."

Bella smiled at me and held the shirt against her chest. Damn.

"Did you want to take my pants, too?"

"Wh-what?"

"My pants…Did you want to get in my pants…I mean… to sleep in…"

Oh my God.

"Uh, no thanks. The shirt's good."

I nodded and then said nothing. For, like, a really long time.

Right, I should probably say something instead of just staring at her.

"So, uh, thanks again for your help."

"No problem. Like I said, I've been doing my dad's laundry for years, so I'm sort of an expert."

As I stood there all awkward-like, I realized the opportunity I'd been waiting for was right in front of me. I could ask Bella out on the pretense of my gratitude. Perfect, right? I dragged my hands through my hair and took a deep breath before I spoke, praying I didn't sound like a moron. Fat chance.

"Maybe I could take you out for, uh, dinner, or drinks or something. Uh, not _drink _drinks because we're underage. I meant like a Starbucks, maybe? You know, to thank you properly for fixing my epic screw-up. You did touch my socks...not that there's anything wrong with that, they're fine. But I'd like to take you. Out I mean, if you want to. No pressure or anything. I, uh, just thought it would be a nice thing to do. We could–"

"Oh my God, you didn't just ask Bella out on a date did you?" Rosalie snorted, her laughter from the doorway interrupting my rambling.

I blushed, but thankfully Bella didn't laugh at me like my sister did.

"You're a freak. Come on, Bee, let's go back to my room."

Bella nodded and turned to follow Rose. My heart sank and I frowned slightly as the girl I had a mad crush on walked away from me, and my proposal. I should have known.

"Hey, Edward?"

I looked up to see Bella still standing in the doorway. "Yeah?"

"I'd love to go out with you. For dinner, or drinks, or whatever. I mean, if you still want to take me."

Hell yes, I did! Unfortunately for me, my imaginary fist pump wasn't imaginary. Way to play it cool, Cullen.

"Sure, yeah. I mean if you wanna." I shrugged.

Bella nodded. "You could tell me more about your tampon research."

"Sure, totally. And I have a new marketing idea. I'd call them Bloody—"

"Uh, Edward?"

"Huh?"

"I was teasing you."

"Oh. Yeah, I knew that." My face was burning.

Bella smiled at me. "Rose told me about the bet. You're a pretty nice brother to agree to go buy her tampons."

"Did she tell you she blackmailed … I mean, yeah, I'm nice like that."

Bella gestured toward the door. "I should go. You have my number. Or you can message me on Facebook, either way."

"Cool. I'll figure something out and let you know."

I grinned big time after Bella left. I had a date - with someone who wasn't my mom. And not only was it my first date with Bella, it was my very first date ever.

That realization made the panic set in. Where should I take her? How would we get there? What exactly did one do on a first date? Was I supposed to kiss her? Was she expecting that? I'd never even kissed a girl before. Fuck! I needed someone to talk to; someone who could advise me without making fun of me. Obviously, talking to Jasper and Rosalie was out of the question. And since Mom and Dad were out, that left one other person.

A half an hour later I was sitting with my confident, asking questions and praying for some sound advice. He sat quietly, listening intently as I rambled on and on.

"I don't know what I was thinking, asking her out. I have no idea how to act on a date or what to do. What if she's only going out with me to be polite? What if she wants more than dinner – like … _you know…_I'm so confused. What do you think?"

Jake looked and me and shrugged his shoulders.

"Dude, I'm seven. How would I know?"

DSI in hand, he hopped off his bed, leaving me alone with my thoughts. So much for bonding, little prick. He left me with no other option. With trepidation, I walked down the hall and knocked on Jasper's door.

Twenty minutes later I had all the information I needed for a successful first date. Why I'd been worried to speak to my older brother I had no idea. He really was a wealth of information.

Jasper reassured me that women actually didn't want a man to pay – woman's rights or equality or something like that – so I could expect her to pick up her share of the tab. Good to know because I was short on cash. Saying that, he assured me Bella would want me to order on her behalf, telling me girls found that take-charge attitude hot.

"How am I supposed to know what the heck she wants to eat?"

"That's easy, Eddie. She's a girl. No girl wants to look like a pig in front of a guy. Order her a salad and a diet Coke. She'll probably go home and eat Nutella straight from the jar with her finger but in front of you she'll want it to look like she's on a diet."

"Interesting."

"Most importantly, don't let her know you like her."

"Wh-what? Wasn't the point of asking her out to let her know I do like her?" I scratched my head. I wasn't following.

"Dude, you don't want to appear desperate."

"But I kinda am desperate."

Jasper laughed. "You may be but you don't want her to know that, obviously. Here's what you do, you make a comment about how she's like your little sister. Make yourself seem unattainable; play hard to get. She'll be lusting after you in no time."

"Are you sure? Calling her my little —"

"If you don't want my advice…"

"No, that's not it. It's just… well… are you sure?"

"Would I ever steer you wrong, little brother?"

I rolled my eyes at him. We both knew the answer to that.

"Okay, I would; but not in this. Trust me."

I really had no choice because I hadn't the faintest idea what I was doing when it came to girls. Let's face it, 'Awkward' is my middle name.

Although I was still hesitant, Jasper looked so genuine. Could it be possible my brother wasn't dicking me around for a change?

"Hey, don't forget to open doors and pull out her chair and stuff. Girls love that shit."

More great advice! I knew then my brother was sincere.

"Thanks, Bro. I appreciate your help."

"Yep. No prob. Can't wait to hear how it goes."

After I left Jasper's room, I sent Bella a text about what I had planned. Her happy face text back made me smile. On the way back to my room, I felt like I was on cloud nine, counting down the days until our memorable date. At last I had something positive to write in my journal.

_In a week I'll go on my very first date_

_Finally my parents will think I'm straight!_

_Jasper gave me some great information_

_This alone is cause for celebration._

_I will take his advice and play hard to get_

_I sure hope it's not something I regret._

_I'll pull out her chair and order her food _

_And my true feelings I will elude._

_I'd love to tell Bella I think I'm in serious like._

_But I have a feeling she'd tell me to take a hike._

_Hopefully things go well on this date_

_Fingers crossed she'll see me as a mate._

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**I appreciate you taking the time to read and review. Until next time!**


	6. Chapter 6

** Thanks to my girls for helping me: Maple, Lolo, Cappy. And to all of you reading and reviewing. I heart you hard.**

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**Chapter 6**

Finally, Date Day arrived. I was nervous as hell - sweaty palms, pits, diarrhea, and all. I planned our date for lunch on a Sunday afternoon because I didn't want it to seem _too_ date-ish – if that's even a word. Okay, it was really because lunch menus are cheaper than dinner menus, but whatever.

Bella's dad drove us to and from the Italian restaurant in Port Angeles. I thought it was nice of him to offer since my parents were both busy. Little did I know he had ulterior motives – mainly to make me shit my pants. What's funny is that I'd known Bella for years and Charlie had never had an issue with me before. All of a sudden, he expected me to call him 'Chief' and gave me these disapproving looks, his forehead all wrinkled and mad looking. What the fuck?

Anyway, Chief had this old beat up Chevy truck, in which I assumed we'd drive to Port Angeles. Wrong. We took his patrol car after he said the truck was having mechanical issues. As soon as I was told I had to sit in the back of the squad car I smelled BS. His eyes were on me more than they were on the road, which probably explained why he was going so friggin' slow.

"Dad, do you think you can go a bit faster? You're going way under the speed limit."

"You can never can be too careful, can you, Edward?" His dark eyes zeroed in on me in the rearview mirror, demanding an answer. Why did I get the feeling he was referring to more than just driving? And why was he glaring at me?

"Can you, Edward?"

"Uh…right."

"Well, you can be too late for a reservation," Bella huffed.

"The only way I can go faster is if the lights and sirens are on."

Through the mirror we locked eyes. I cocked him an 'I dare you' eyebrow.

Never dare a cop.

The next thing I knew both were on; his mustache twitching. He probably drove for fifteen minutes like that before he turned off the sirens. He kept the lights on making it look like I was a criminal behind Plexiglas in the back seat. It's really hard to play it cool when you're mortified.

Finally, we arrived at the restaurant. Longest sixty minutes of my life. I should have chosen to eat in Forks instead.

My plan of being a gentleman and opening Bella's door for her didn't happen. Did you know that the back doors of a patrol car lock automatically and can only be opened from the outside? Well, now you know. I'm pretty sure I heard her dad snort a laugh as I somewhat frantically pawed at the doors. Thankfully, Bella offered to rescue me because Charlie certainly wasn't about to. I was starting to get the feeling he didn't like me very much.

Before Bella got to my door, Chief made his opinion of me known, loud and clear.

"There are a few things I love in life, Cullen. My baby girl, my .22, and target practice. Understood?"

Scarier than his words was the look he gave me. The one that said 'if you fuck with my daughter I'll cut your balls off, shove them up your asshole, rip off your nipples, dismember and burn your body, and make it all look like an accident.' That look was confirmation - Chief Swan hated my guts.

I couldn't get out of the car fast enough but I desperately needed some brownie points to win him over. Feeling Chief's eyes on me, I opened the door to the restaurant and put my hand on the small of Bella's back leading her inside. Very gentleman-like, right? Not according to Mr. To Serve & Protect. Apparently my hand was a little too low by his standards, as indicated by the loud honk of his horn and shake of his fist. I wanted to die of embarrassment.

Once inside the restaurant, the hostess saw us to a table away from Chief's menacing glare. I was so unnerved I almost forgot my manners.

"Oh, sorry; let me get your chair for you."

"Aww, thank you, Edward." Bella smiled at me as I pulled her chair out and she sat down. I probably shouldn't have grunted when I went to push her in. More importantly I should have kept my mouth shut.

"Wow! You're heavier than you look."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh, nothing. Never mind."

This was off to a bad start. At least it couldn't get worse. I'm an optimist.

The hostess snickered and shook her head.

"Your waitress is Jess; she'll be over in a few minutes."

Those few minutes were spent in silence. Awkward, I-have-no-idea-what-to-say, silence. I drummed my fingers on the table and Bella looked at me and smiled politely.

"Have—"

"Is—"

We both spoke at the same time. I apologized and told Bella to go ahead.

"I was going to ask if you'd been here before."

"No, but I've heard good things about it." Like their lunch menu was the cheapest in town. "Have you?"

The waitress dropped off menus and ice waters, telling us she'd be back in a bit to take our order. Bella took a sip of drink before answering my question.

"Yeah, Mike brought me here last summer."

I choked on my spit. "As in Newton?"

Bella didn't look up from her menu when she answered. "Uh huh."

"Huh."

Great. I bet he splurged for the dinner menu. And I sure as hell bet Chief Swan didn't drive them since Mike had his license. I wonder if he'd kissed her? Fuck, he'd kissed her, of course he had! Had he gone for second base? Third?

"Edward, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine."

"I'm just trying to figure out what to order. It all sounds so good."

Wanting to avoid Bella's eyes and hearing her call me out on my jealous bullshit, I pretended to study my menu. It took me a second to realize it was upside-down, making me look like an idiot. In my attempt to right it, in true Edward fashion, I knocked over my full glass of ice water, spilling it all over the table and onto my lap – of course it did - soaking my crotch.

"For fuck's sake!"

The ice cubes in my lap made me jump up, drawing attention to myself. I started mopping up as best I could, muttering more swear words under my breath. I heard someone chuckle and I rolled my eyes at them laughing at my expense. Real funny, asshole. When I heard it again I looked around, ready to shoot whomever it was my best 'fuck you' look.

Guesses on whom it was?

Oh, he thought he was being stealthy, ducking behind his menu, but I caught sight of those dark, evil eyes and freaky mustache. I promptly sat down, ignoring my wet groin and wished the floor would swallow me up.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, fine."

Besides the fact that your crazy-ass father was spying on us from across the restaurant - what the actual fuck?

"What do you keep looking at….Oh my God! Daddy! For a cop he's pretty bad at being undercover and blending in. I'm so sorry, I'll be right back."

Bella stood up and marched over to where her father was sitting. Although I couldn't hear what they were saying, I like to think she told him to eff off. Less than a minute later, Charlie was leaving the restaurant and Bella returned to the table, red-faced.

"Pretend that never happened, okay?"

"Gladly!"

We reverted back to silence, both of us studying our menus, which I thought was weird because we both knew she'd be having a salad and a diet coke. Maybe she couldn't decide between the Caesar and green salad?

"Hey, kids." The waitress placed a loaf of sour dough bread on the table between us. "Do you know what you want to eat?"

"I think we're ready. I'll have the penne pasta with shrimp and a Coke. She'll have a salad and a Diet Coke." I grinned and Bella smiled back at me.

"Yes, a Caesar salad to start would be great."

Jasper was right – she was pleased I'd ordered for her. Wait, did she say 'to start'?

"And I'll have the fettuccini alfredo as the main course. Thank you."

Shit, that was $12.95. Good thing she'd be picking up part of the tab otherwise I'd go broke paying for her share. As the waitress left the table, the awkward silence subsided and we managed to find enough to talk about to take us through lunch. Mostly school gossip and such, but it was something.

All in all, things went well. Sure, I managed to spill not only my water but my pasta too, but come on- I'm Edward Cullen! That's to be expected.

Later, as we waited for the check, Bella looked at me thoughtfully.

"Can I ask you something, Edward?"

"Of course."

"I was just wondering why you asked me out."

"You know, to thank you for your help with the laundry. Spunk socks, ya know?"

"Oh." Bella looked down at her hands folded in her lap. "I, uh, thought maybe it was because you liked me."

"Of course I like you, Bella. You're like a sister to me."

Just as Jasper had suggested, I planted the seed that I wasn't as interested as I really was. But as soon as the words were spoken I was left with a sour taste in my mouth. I wanted to take them back; tell her that I more than liked her but she replied in a quiet voice before I could recant my statement.

"I always did want a brother."

My heart sank. I don't know what I was expecting her to say. Maybe that she was madly in love with me and wanted nothing more than to change her Facebook status to say 'in a relationship' and tag my name in the post. But, fuck, 'I always wanted a brother' made it very clear that Bella thought of me as just that. God, I felt ill.

"Edward? You don't look well – you're awfully pale."

"Actually I don't feel well. I think I had some bad shrimp."

Or gotten bad advice, I wasn't sure which.

"Oh no! That's not good. Do you need to use the restroom?"

Was Bella asking if I needed to take a shit? I may have been inexperienced in dating but talking about bodily functions wasn't a good thing! I wanted to rewind the last few minutes, admit I had feelings for her and take any mention of diarrhea out of the conversation. Instead I made it worse.

"Don't worry. I'll feel better once I fart."

My God. What the fuck was wrong with me? I scrubbed my hands over my face.

"You know what, Bella? I actually don't have to fart."

"Oh. That's good."

"You make me nervous or something, I dunno know. Stupid shit just flies out of my mouth and I don't even know what the hell I'm saying until I've put it out there and totally embarrassed myself. What I'm trying to say is, I like you."

"Yes, we established that. In a little sister sort of way."

I shook my head. "No, I mean I _like_ like you."

And see, that's where I should have stopped talking. But you know I didn't.

"I shouldn't have said I like you as a sister, because the way I feel about you I definitely don't feel towards Rosalie. And I certainly don't think of her when I'm in the shower. I know she's my step-sister and she's hot - please don't tell her I said that - but still, that's just wrong. Nasty."

Bella looked concerned and I couldn't blame her.

"Fuck, I'm doing it again. What I'm trying to say is that I like you - more in the dirty sort of way. I mean—"

"Edward, stop. I think I get it. Strangely enough, I like you, too. In the non-brotherly, dirty sort of way."

"No shit?"

Bella laughed. "No shit."

"Huh."

"When did you figure this out, that you liked me more than just a friend?" Bella bit her lip as she asked. Why the hell was that so sexy?

"This past summer. You were wearing that blue bikini and your boobs were…" I put my hands down from gesturing rudely and shook my head. "So, yeah, last summer. How about you?"

Bella shrugged. "I don't know, it just sort of happened."

Why hadn't I said that instead?

"So what happens now?" I had to ask because I was clueless.

"I guess we just see where this goes. We may want to keep it on the down low in front of my dad."

"Good call!" The man did own a gun.

As Bella and I smiled at each other from across the table the waitress brought the bill. Looking at the total I was glad Bella would be paying for her half because I certainly didn't have enough money on me to pay it all myself. I took out the cash I had then waited for Bella to pay. Odd that she made no attempt to reach for her purse even after I not so subtly pushed the check toward her.

"We should go, huh? My dad's probably waiting."

"Yeah, there's just the matter of the bill…"

Hint, hint.

Bella look clueless. Maybe her math wasn't good enough to calculate what she owed? How embarrassing for her.

"It looks like your portion is $25. Don't worry, I've got the tip covered."

Why was she looking at me like that? Didn't she trust my math skills?

"See, your salad was $5, pasta $13, soda $2.50, and dessert was $6.25. I rounded it down to $25.00 "

"Right, uh, sorry." Bella fumbled around for her purse and then came up empty-handed. "I only have a ten on me. Sorry, I thought this was a date and you'd be paying…"

Fuck! I was such an idiot. No wonder Bella had looked so confused. I cursed Jasper under my breath, vowing to get back at him.

"Jasper? What does he have to do with this?"

I scrubbed my hand over my face. "I've never really been on date before – with someone other than a relative – and I asked him for advice. I thought he was being sincere but he totally played me. I'm sure he's having a good laugh right about now."

"And his 'advice' was that the girl pays her half."

I nodded.

"What other words of wisdom did he have?"

"He told me to tell you I liked you as a little sister. That was me playing hard to get."

"Your brother's a moron."

"Yes, I'm figuring that out."

Note to self: don't ask him for kissing advice.

"Uh, Bella? What should I do about the bill?"

"Don't worry about it. I'll text my dad and ask him to spot us some—"

"Hell no! He already hates me!"

"Would you prefer to stay here and wash dishes?"

She had a point but, fuck me, asking Chief to help pay for the bill? He'd never let me live it down. In the end I realized I had no other choice. The entire drive back home he alternated between glaring at me and snickering.

When we got back to Forks Bella saved me from the back seat prison.

"Thanks for the ride and for, you know, helping with the bill."

"I've been instructed not to mention it so I won't."

"Thank you."

"Let's just say you owe me one."

Shit! I didn't like the sounds of that!

"Yes, sir. Thank you again."

Bella walked me to my front door while her dad kept a close eye on us. And by 'us' I mean me.

"Thank you for lunch, Edward. I had a nice time."

"I did, too. I'd like to do it again some time but I'll make sure I bring enough money."

Bella waved it off as not a big deal, which I was grateful for. Then we stared at each other for a bit, both of us unsure how to say goodbye. Even though I wanted to kiss her there was no way in hell I was going to with the Chief watching. I extended my hand for a polite handshake instead. That would earn me bonus points for sure.

Bella laughed.

"I know I said to take things slow, but not that slow." She went up on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to my cheek. It was then that Chief laid on his horn, clearly not impressed. Bella blushed, shaking her head and promising to call me later.

I missed her as soon as she left and couldn't wait to talk to her again. But first things first, I needed to have a word with my brother. Fucking douche.

Later that evening I wrote another entry into my journal.

_I guess I'd call my first date a success_

_And to Bella I did confess_

_That I like her more than a little_

_She's my favorite color of skittle!_

_One thing's for sure - Charlie hates my guts_

_Especially after he saw my hand on Bella's butt_

_If he knew what else I'd love to do_

_He'd kick my ass to Timbuktu._

_I don't care – I touched her ass!_

_I was so excited I passed gas._

_I don't know how I'll sleep tonight_

_But I'll dream of when Bella and I can reunite._

_Oh and Jasper is a real jerk_

_Off his face I wiped his smirk._

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**Thanks for reading and I appreciate your reviews.**


	7. Chapter 7

**It's time for our boy to have his first kiss**

**I hope it's not a total miss.**

**Read on to see if he makes it to first base**

**Don't eat or drink anything, just in case**

**Thank you Lolo84, Capricorn75 and MapleStyle**

**And you, lovely readers, for making this all worthwhile.**

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**Chapter 7**

So, yeah, I had a word with Jasper as soon as I got home from my date. The word being 'asshole', quickly followed by my fist to his face. That got me grounded for the week but I didn't care. It sure felt good. Every time I saw the bruise on his ugly mug, I smiled. We were fine a few days later. That's what brothers do – call each other asshole or fucktard, scrap it out, and then we're okay. Although I still think he's mostly an ass.

I did learn something from the whole experience, though. If I ever needed advice again, Jasper was _not_ my man. Which was a bummer, because I had a situation I wanted some guidance on.

Bella and I were into our second week being 'more than friends'. Things between us were good but we hadn't really progressed from what we were to anything different. We didn't even hold hands but we did sit together in the cafeteria for lunch. Lauren Mallory came over to our table and sort of giggled when she asked Bella if I was her boyfriend. She left before Bella could answer which sucked because I was interested in her answer. I didn't know what we were. Perhaps we were in relationship limbo.

Couples kissed, right? Well, I'm ashamed to admit I hadn't kissed her yet so I guess we weren't one. Truthfully, I didn't know how. Don't get me wrong, I got the gist of it – mouths together, insert tongue – but surely there was some skill involved that I wasn't privy to. I opted to talk to someone I considered an expert on kissing.

"Mom? Do you have a minute?" I sat down at the island and watched as she chopped veggies for dinner.

"Of course, honey. What's on your mind?"

I snuck a carrot off the cutting board and chewed thoughtfully before I started talking.

"Bella and I are kind of, sort of, together."

"Yes, I noticed she was hanging out with you more than Rosalie this past week. That's nice."

I nodded. "There's a small problem, though."

Mom put down her knife and gave me her undivided attention. I loved that she always made time for me whenever I needed her.

"Go on."

I started blushing before I got my words out. "I haven't kissed her yet. I, uh, don't really know how. I was wondering if you had any tips or something? You know, since you and Dad are always doing it."

Thankfully, she didn't laugh. But someone else did. Of course, that was right when Jasper walked into the kitchen.

"You did not just ask Mom how to kiss, did you? Oh my God. Classic, Edward, classic."

I gave him the finger.

"Jasper, that's enough." Mom scolded him then added. "And if this ends up on Facebook or Twitter, you lose the car for the week."

My brother scowled at Mom ruining his fun before grabbing an apple and headed up to his room.

"Awww! It's very sweet of you to ask. A girl always remembers a first kiss. I think the key is to take your time. Don't rush it."

"Okay, so we put our lips together and I stick my tongue in her mouth. Then what? I mean, how's that fun?" I scratched my head; Mom smiled.

"It's pretty fun. Trust me."

It would be great if she'd stop smiling like that, it was kind of gross.

"Don't mind me, just getting a drink." Fucking Jasper sauntered into the kitchen again, nosy ass. Thankfully Mom waited until he was out of earshot to talk again.

"First of all, you don't want to start by ramming your tongue down her throat. Take things slow; let Bella lead. I promise you will figure out what to do fairly quickly. Try not to over think it; let it happen naturally."

"I don't want to screw things up. I mean, I want to screw...never mind."

"Take my advice and go slow – and I'm not just talking about kissing." She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Whoa! I haven't even kissed her yet. No need to lecture about anything more than that."

"Things can easily get out of hand when you're kissing. A boob grope here, a butt grab there, add in a little dry humping..."

Well, at least she didn't mention pegging, whatever the hell that was. I still didn't know and honestly, didn't want to.

"I was once your age, Edward, I know how good those caresses can feel. Heck, they still feel good."

Eewww.

"They leave you wanting more. But you need to stop before things get too out of control. Be a gentleman. Come home and take care of things yourself. I know you know what I'm talking about."

I wisely chose not to feign innocence.

"Thanks, I think. I was only looking for advice on kissing but I appreciate you going the extra mile. I think I'll go to my room now."

I left before she could go any further.

Mom's advice was great and all, but I wanted to know the actual mechanics on how to kiss. So after I finished talking to her, I turned to Google. Probably should have done that first. There was a lot of valuable information on there. Some of the videos were very … enlightening.

Remind me I need to do some laundry later. I'm running low on socks.

I did learn some vital pieces of information:

Before you lean in for the kiss, compliment her. Tell her she's pretty; something so she knows you care about her. As long as I didn't mention tampons, I could totally do that.

Pull her into a hug and hold her there for a bit – maybe 10 to 15 seconds. Rub her back a little in a comforting yet romantic way. Doable.

One website suggested passing chewing gum from your mouth to your partner's. That was the route I was going to take. It seemed perfect – we'd both have minty breath as a bonus. Win; win.

The following day I was psyching myself up for my first kiss. As I walked Bella home I couldn't stop thinking about it. Outside her front door we said our usual goodbye of 'I'll call you later' and I gave her a hug, you know- like Google suggested. And patted her back. Then I stopped because it felt like I was burping a baby, so I just held her. I was aiming for the ten-second mark.

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

Three—

Bella pulled away.

"Are you counting?"

Shoot, that should have been in my head.

I ignored her question.

"I've been meaning to tell you that you smell good."

The way Bella smiled I knew the compliment was the right thing to do – thanks, Google!

"Thank you."

"Really, you do. I wish I could wax your scent into a candle."

Bella gave me a 'what the fuck' look. What? I thought that was witty. Apparently not.

I stood there debating how to go about getting that kiss. Was I supposed to ask permission first? Mom said to let it happen naturally, but I thought I should be polite about it.

"Bella, I was wondering something."

"What's that?"

"Can I…I mean, would it be okay…I kind of want to kiss you. If I'm being honest, I want to do a hell of a lot more than just kiss you but Google said kissing is where I should start and my mom agreed, so that's what I'm going to do. Well, what I want to do, if you'll let me. And—"

Bella put her index finger against my lips to stop my word vomit. Thank God.

"I kind of want you to kiss me, too."

"You do?"

Bella laughed. "Yes, I really do."

"Cool."

Wait! Should my head go left or right? Where should my hands be? Eyes open or closed? Damn it, I should have studied more.

"Are you going to kiss me anytime soon?"

"Oh, yeah- sorry!"

I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers and waited for the sparks, the electrical current to rush between us.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Honestly, my first thought was 'what's all the fuss about?' Lips to lips like that and I could have been kissing my mother or aunt. I guess that's why tongue was required. I moved my gum into position and when I felt Bella's mouth open slightly I passed the wad over. This was going to be epic.

Or not.

Bella pulled away instantly and spit the gum out. Uh oh! She looked disgusted. Maybe she didn't like spearmint?

"Eww."

Not exactly the way I wanted my first kiss to go down.

"What was that?"

I scratched my head, perplexed. "Uh, my gum?" It came out more as a question then statement.

"Why the heck did you pass me your gum? Gross."

All I could do was blush fifty shades of red.

"Edward, have you ever kissed a girl before?"

"Yes." I lied.

"Besides just now?" She side-eyed me curiously.

"Not exactly. Unless my mom counts."

Bella gave me a sexy little smile.

"Let me give you a quick lesson."

She went up on her tippy toes, hands around my neck. Her fingers in the hair at the nape of my neck sent a shiver down my spine. Just before she was close enough to kiss me she pulled away abruptly.

"You don't have any more gum in there, do you?"

I opened my mouth wide and stuck my tongue out for her to see. "Nope, all clear."

"Thank God."

Bella pressed her mouth back to mine. It was lips to lips again, and it felt okay. _Good_, even. But I was still waiting for great. So far, it was only so-so.

And then Bella's tongue did something that made my dick stand at attention. She licked my lower lip. Fucking _licked_ it! A low growl rumbled in my throat and I opened my mouth and let her tongue in.

Best decision ever.

It took great restraint on my part not to ram my tongue down her throat. But I let Bella lead and kept my tongue in my mouth. That was my mom's influence; her words echoing in my brain.

Eewww! Don't think of Mom while kissing Bella!

I'm not going to say the kiss was graceful and coordinated, because it was far from that. Our noses hit, it was far wetter than I figured it would be, and we were noisy with our (my) grunts, groans, and slurps as we continued.

And it was fucking fantastic. I didn't want to stop. I totally understood why my mom said it was pretty fun.

Stop thinking about Mom!

Bella's fingers threaded into my hair. I could almost feel each fingertip's position by the electrical zap that penetrated my skull. My arms went around her waist and I pulled her body so she was flush against me. I could feel her breasts against my chest. God, she felt so fucking good. Every part of me enjoyed it, some more than others. Down, boy.

It was hands down the best kiss of my existence. Okay, it was my only kiss (not including the gum-swapping fiasco) but, damn, it couldn't get much better than that.

It could get worse, though.

"Ahem!"

Fear gripped my body, and I immediately knew that unimpressed sound came from the Chief. Oh, fuck!

Bella and I parted ways abruptly and tried to act as though we hadn't been caught. That was hard for me because, shit, for one I was hard. And two, we'd just been tongue wrestling and damn it, that was some first kiss. I swiped my hand across my mouth trying to remove the remnant of it and my smile – which I was pretty sure wouldn't be appreciated. Slowly, I turned to face what I expected to be a pissed off Chief Swan. He didn't disappoint.

He was still in uniform; right hand poised at his gun belt. Chief was of average height and weight - if it weren't for the gun, I figured I could totally take him. Then I noticed the look on his face - it brought a whole new meaning to 'if looks could kill'. Not good, not good at all. And he just stood there, glaring at me, eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed under his mustache.

"Well, this is a little awkward, heh heh. How are ya, Chief?" I extended my hand - the same one I'd used to wipe off the spit.

Not one to make small talk, Chief addressed the situation immediately while snubbing my hand.

"I don't appreciate my daughter being mauled on the street, Cullen."

"Sorry, sir. Next time I'll bring her inside first."

Wrong. Fucking. Answer.

I'm still surprised he didn't shoot me on the spot.

"My apologies, Chief, Sir Swan, Sir. Forgive me. It was my first kiss and Bella was teaching me the whole mechanics of it. She's actually quite talented..."

The look Chief was giving me told me to shut the hell up.

"Bella, you have exactly two minutes to say goodbye to your _friend_."

Chief walked right in between us, effectively pushing us apart, and stomped into the house. I had no doubt he was watching us through the peephole.

Bella covered her face with her hands, her turn to blush. "I'm so sorry! Oh my God."

"Nah, don't worry about it. It's all cool."

Translation: Holy fucking shit – I just cheated death!

"You're shaking like a leaf, Edward." Bella rubbed her hands up and down my forearms.

"The shaking's from your kiss. The shit in my shorts is from your dad."

Bella laughed as she shook her head at me. She thought I was kidding. I wasn't. Great, more laundry in my future.

"Sorry. I should know better than to talk bodily functions. Honestly, that was the best kiss of my life."

"Uh, it was also the _only_ kiss of your life." Bella smiled at me.

"Well, it was a perfect way to start. I'd like to do it again very soon."

Like now. Oh, please, God, now.

Bella leaned close to me and lowered her voice, probably for my protection.

"My dad's going fishing on Saturday."

"Uh, I'm not sure I want to be alone in a boat with him, but thanks for the invite."

"That's not what I meant. He'll be gone for five hours, at least. I'll have the house to myself."

It took a minute for the light bulb to come on. Oh my God. Imagine hours of kissing Bella. Damn!

"You should probably go before my dad comes back out here."

"Good idea. I'll call you later."

Bella glanced back at the house before she placed a kiss on my cheek. I left that day with a smile on my face; counting down the minutes until Saturday, when I could kiss her again.

And again.

And again.

Hot damn!

When I got home I wrote another poem in my journal. What can I say? Bella inspires me.

_I asked Mom for kissing advice_

_And about it she was quite nice_

_But the advice she gave wasn't specific_

_I turned to Google and it's terrific_

_I held Bella close and tight_

_And went for it when the moment was right_

_Note to self: Chewing gum is a fail_

_I know because Bella did bail_

_But she showed me how to do it_

_And, damn, that's the shit!_

_Kissing Bella was amazing_

_It left parts of me raising!_

_Mom was right - kissing is quite fun_

_Until you're caught by a man with a gun_

_I can't wait until Saturday to do it again_

_Now I have to jerk off my balls are in pain._

* * *

**Thank you all for reading and for your kind reviews! Until next time...MWAH!  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Dude, what's taking you so long? I have to take a harsh piss."

I growled at myself in the mirror and opened the bathroom door for my brother.

"I'm trying to do my hair. It's not working."

"Obviously." Jasper sauntered over to the toilet and took a leak. For a guy with a small penis he was overly cocky – heh heh. Not that I was looking.

"Thanks, Fuckface. I'm going over to Bella's house later and I was trying to look presentable."

I could have done without his snort.

Today of all days, I wished Jasper wasn't such a jerk to me. I guess that came with the territory. This was an important day for me and, clearly, I was stressing out about it. So much so that I'd already had diarrhea twice. Awesome. Super sexy.

"Going to Bella's, huh? I take it Chief won't be home?"

My grin was huge. "Nope."

Jazz zipped up and went to leave, foregoing the sink. Nasty!

"Uh, don't you want to wash your hands?"

My brother looked at me like I was crazy. "Why? I shook my dick twice. That's the rule – anymore than that and you're just playing with it. Shake, shake, done. It's not like I got piss on my hands. Shaking's sufficient 99% of the time."

Made me wonder about the other one per cent. Eeeww.

I jutted my chin at him. "I noticed you only used one hand for it. I have to use two."

"You wish. We measured once, remember?"

Damn it! Forgot about that. God, I wished he'd never brought that up. His was a whole inch bigger. Well, half an inch. Actually, now that I think about it I'm pretty sure it was only a centimeter in difference. Or so. Give or take.

Jasper leaned against the door frame and rolled his eyes as I tried to manipulate my hair.

"Did you brush your teeth? Floss? Shave? Put on deodorant? Spritz your cock with cologne?"

"Yep."

Note to self: spritz cock with cologne.

Fuck it. I gave up on my hair. Hopefully Bella found the chaotic look sexy.

"Did you clean the pipes?"

I scratched my head. "Why? Did you clog the drain?"

"Oh my God, Edward. Clean the pipes. Choke the chicken. Fondle the fig. Jerk the Johnson. Use your sister's lotion to whack off- which, by the way, is wrong on s_o_ many levels. Do you get it now?"

"Yeah, I get it and no, I didn't jerk off. Why would I?"

"Oh, little brother. You have so much to learn." Jasper shook his head as he went to walk away.

"Wait! Aren't you going to explain why?"

"You'll figure it out the hard way, heh heh."

Fucker left me clueless, once again.

* * *

"Are you sure your dad's not coming home any time soon?"

I looked suspiciously around Bella's living room, half expecting Chief to pop out from behind the couch and bust my ass for stepping foot in his house when he wasn't home. I walked closer to the entertainment center and looked for a hidden video camera - I wouldn't put it past him, sneaky bastard.

"Edward, relax. My dad told me he'd be back by five, which means we have four hours or so. Come on, let's go up to my room."

Gulp.

"We can listen to music and stuff."

I was definitely interested in the 'and stuff'.

Without further ado, Bella tugged on my hand and led me upstairs. This was uncharted territory for me – I'd never been in a girl's bedroom before. Obviously, I'd been in Rosalie's, but she was my sister so it didn't count. Being in Bella's was different. It was so pink and purple-y, and smelled good. I guess compared to my room _anything_ smelled good, but this was almost heavenly.

Stop smelling her pillow, freak.

After Bella put on some tunes she sat down on the edge of her bed, tapping the spot beside her in invitation. As I sat down next to her I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I mean, holy shit! I was in a girl's room! Sitting on her bed! Smelling her smells! Not her 'smells', but you know. Right, I should probably say something.

"Bella-"

"Edward-"

"Sorry, go ahead." I offered.

"I was going to ask you to kiss me again. What were you going to say?"

"I was wondering if you had any cool scars."

"You were wondering if I had any cool scars?" The way she quirked one eyebrow up was cute.

I nodded. "Uh huh. I'll show you mine if you show me yours?"

Bella smiled at me. She must have some cool scars, too. Awesome!

"I'll go first. See this one on my forehead? Jasper whacked me in the head with a bat when we were playing human piñata – don't ask. And this one is from sock skating on the hardwood floor. I had my hands in my pants, so when I fell I couldn't break my fall. Smacked my chin on the floor, and Dad had to give me five stitches for that one."

"Why were your hands in your pants?"

I shrugged. How could I ever begin to explain the warped mind of ten-year-old Edward Cullen?

Next I showed Bella the scar on my leg from when Jasper used me as a shield and let the neighbor's dog bite me. After that, I shared the mark that was on my left hand from an unfortunate incident between Jasper, a sharp kitchen knife, and myself. Notice how my brother has been involved in most of my battle wounds? Told you he was a jerk.

"And this one...wait—"

Light bulb.

Yes, it took that long.

"What were you going to ask me?"

Bella smirked. "I was going to ask you to kiss me again."

"So, you don't have any cool scars?"

Fuck, I was a sorry excuse for a horny teenager.

Bella laughed. "You say whatever comes to mind, don't you?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Sometimes it gets me into trouble."

"You should stop talking then."

"You'd think I'd learn by now but, nope, quite often I keep going on and on when I shouldn't."

"Like now?" Bella asked.

Being Captain Oblivious, I just kept babbling.

''Exactly. My mom says I talk because I like to hear my own voice. That's not actually the case. If I'm nervous I –"

"Edward."

"Huh?"

"Shut up."

"Sorry, sometimes I –"

"No, really, shut up. You're adorably clueless."

I stuck my tongue out at her.

"I can think of better things to do with that tongue of yours."

"Like wha—"

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

Bella pounced on me, her mouth hard and urgent on mine; our teeth clanging together. The kiss took me by surprise and I was left breathless when we finally broke apart.

"Wow!"

"Don't you start talking again," Bella scolded.

I shook my head. "Nope, I wanna do that again but, uh…." I paused, too embarrassed to say what was on my mind.

"What were you going to say?"

"Nothin'. I'm going to sound stupid."

Because that would be a switch.

"I promise I won't laugh." I blushed as I spoke my words. "I'm new at this. I want to take my time; learn how to do it right. I mean, if that's okay with you?"

Bella smiled. "More than okay with me. We can go as slow as you need."

"Can I ask you a question first?"

"Of course."

"How come you're, uh, so good at kissing?"

Bella gave me a shy smile. "I've kissed a few guys."

"Oh." I didn't want to come off as jealous but, fuck, I was jealous!

"Are you jealous?" Bella asked cautiously.

"No. I mean, yes. Sorry. I know it shouldn't bother me. It's not like you're my possession or anything but…" I shrugged my shoulders. I had so many questions but I had no right to know the answers. Who? When? Where? Logically**,** I knew it shouldn't matter**-** but it did.

As if she could read my mind, Bella answered the questions in my head.

"Okay, this is embarrassing. There's _really_ only been one guy. It was Mike Newton. Last summer when we went on that date. He kissed me in his car outside my house."

Ugh, Newton? He was such a player. Rumor had it he'd been with a dozen girls already. And by 'been with', I mean _been with_. How was I supposed to compete—

"And it was horrible. Totally horrible."

Bella's words stunned me.

"Wh-what?"

"I'm not kidding. He rammed his tongue down my throat so hard I gagged."

All I could do was grin.

"So, it was way worse than my gum fiasco?"

Bella made a face. "I dunno, they were both pretty bad. No offense."

"Eh, it was worth a shot. So, if your only experience was so bad, how come you're so good at kissing then?"

A smile lit up her face. "Google."

I knew then that we were made for each other.

"I think I'm ready to kiss you now."

Bella smiled. "I'd like that."

Leaning forward, I lingered there and stared into her eyes. The moment before the kiss, being so close I could feel her breath against my lips, was as exciting as kissing itself. Well, almost.

"Your eyes are really pretty."

Bella made a face. "They're just boring brown."

"They aren't 'boring brown'. It's like I'm looking into a bowl of chocolate pudding."

"Uh, thank you?"

"That's a compliment – I love chocolate pudding. You know, my mom makes–"

Bella shook her head, then crooked her finger at me. I took the hint, shut up, and put my mouth to better use.

I took the lead that time and swept my tongue across her lower lip. Bella's eyes fluttered closed; I took that as a good sign. Google had suggested nibbling on her lip so I lightly bit down, one eye open to gauge her reaction. She almost purred into my mouth, a sound that went straight to my groin. Damn!

The more we kissed, the less nervous I became. I may have been new to making out but Bella had no complaints so I guess I was a natural. In fact, I was feeling quite comfortable. Even more so when we laid down on her bed. Like, horizontally. Holy shit! I guess kissing me must have made her tired. I would have preferred her on top of me but we were on our sides, facing each other, her body close enough that I could feel the heat coming off her.

As we continued making out, I couldn't help but remember what Mom had said. Kissing led to a boob grab, then a butt grope, and finally dry humping. Oh my God, _please_ let there be some dry humping! I didn't even know what it was exactly, but I was so down with anything that used the word 'hump'.

I figured I should probably start with the boob grab. Was it too soon, though? Would it earn me a slap across the face or a kick to the groin? I could make it look accidental; just sort of graze my hand against the swells. Should I ask permission first? How did one ask permission anyway? "Excuse me, Bella, may I fondle your boobs?" Or should I say breasts? Maybe she'd find it hot if I called them titties? Did other people think as much as I did while making out?

Fuck it. I was going for it.

I reached for a boob. The left one - in case you were wondering. I froze, holding my breath, waiting to see how Bella would react. Don't worry, she reacted favorably by not assaulting me. The guttural, pleading sound she groaned into my mouth was the go-ahead I needed. Okay, the groan was mine; but Bella didn't protest.

I was so enthralled with touching that boob, I had to break the kiss to watch myself fondling it.

"Huh." I uttered quietly.

"'Huh' what?"

"I'm touching your boob – a real life boob. Sorry, this is all new to me. I'm a little excited. Well, not _excited_ excited. Okay, I am, but…never mind. This is awesome!"

"You crack me up. So tell me, what do you think of a real life boob?"

I gave it a gentle squeeze

"It's soft, but firm...and not as squishy as I thought it would be."

"What did you think it would feel like?"

I squeezed her breast again to reconfirm what was in my head. "Definitely more like marshmallows than Jello. May I feel the bottom one?"

For some reason that made Bella laugh. I guess technically it was her right but in the position we were in, it was her bottom boob to me.

"Please."

That one word was all breathy and hot against my face. I wasted no time and soon I had both breasts in my hands. Fuck me.

We went back to kissing as I felt her up. Eventually my hand went under her shirt and I could feel her nipples straining against the cotton of her bra. It was almost sensory overload. I fully understood the point Jasper was trying to make at home about jerking off before a date. Ouch.

Note to self: play whack a mole before next date with Bella!

With everything that was going on - her tongue tangled with mine, her boobs in my hands, her foot dragging up and down my calf and her hands wandering in a lazy circuit from the back of my neck, down my jaw and across the plane of my chest - I could easily lose myself in all the sensations.

What I _did_ lose track of was time. Apparently Bella was equally invested in our make out session, because one minute we were both feeling pretty amazing and then we were shitting our pants. Not kidding – I have the skid mark to prove it.

"Bella?"

No, that wasn't me softly crooning her name as we made out. It was Chief bellowing his daughter's name up the stairs. I tore my lips away from Bella's to whisper-yell in panic.

"I thought you said he wouldn't be home until five?"

We looked over at her clock, which clearly read half-past. We both jumped up.

"Holy shit, I'm a dead man!"

The fact that Bella didn't disagree freaked me the fuck out.

"Edward, you have to leave! NOW!"

"How the hell do you suppose I do that? Your father cannot find me in your bedroom, especially with the massive chubby I'm sporting."

Well, massive was being generous but she got my point.

"The window!" Bella was already at it, yanking it open. I went over to where she was and looked down, way down and shook my head.

"We're on the second floor! I can't just climb out your window like I'm some fucking spider monkey. I'll probably break my neck!"

"At least you'd have your balls intact. Your choice."

I scratched my head. I was rather attached to my balls - they were two of my favorite play things. Mind you, now that I knew what Bella's boobs felt like my balls were currently in second place. I almost felt bad they slipped to second-

Wait...

Chief was home and I was in his daughter's bedroom. If I didn't find a way out, and right fucking then, I was a dead man who'd never touch boobs or balls again.

Shit!

Yep, there was some in my shorts.

We could hear Chief stomping his way upstairs as he called out again.

"Bella? You in there?"

"Go! Go!"

"Oh, fuck!"

I dangled one leg out her window and said a silent prayer – for my balls_ and_ my neck. Probably should have prayed for the rest of my body as well.

Plan A was to shimmy down the side of the house holding onto the drainpipe – I saw it in a movie once - except there was no drainpipe in reach. Plan B was to grab onto the tree branch and climb gracefully down the tree to safety. Being that I'm Edward Cullen, plan C came into play, which was me landing unceremoniously on my ass.

"Edward! Are you okay?"

I did a quick assessment and noted that although my wrist was probably sprained, my balls were in good shape and really, that was most important.

"My balls are still attached, no worries."

"Good. Go, run! Call me later!"

"Wait! Bella?"

"What?"

"Can I change my Facebook status?"

"What the fuck, Edward? You want to put on Facebook that you touched my boobs?"

"No, silly. That we're in a relationship."

"Shit, you have to go! Coming, Dad!"

"Bella, wait!"

"What now?"

"Thanks for letting me touch your boobs."

She laughed. "You're too much, Edward. You're welcome. Now go before my Dad kills you."

"Right. This is probably one of those times I should stop talking—"

"GO!"

The urgency in her voice made me get a clue and I got the fuck off Chief's property as fast as my legs could carry me. Even if he did kill me, I'd die a happy man. Bella's boobs in my hands even trumped my first experience with jerking off. No doubt they were the highlight of my life so far. Inspired by them, I went home and composed a poem. Well, more like an ode. I couldn't wait to share it with her.

_Dear Bella:_

_I wanted to tell you I had fun earlier today_

_I'm glad we got to kiss and play._

_I have to tell you - your breasts are the best._

_Seriously - way better than all the rest._

_Not that I've touched all that many_

_Truthfully, besides my mom's, there haven't been any._

_But that's not really the point._

_Please know your boobs didn't disappoint._

_Speaking of – do you prefer the word boob, tittie, or breast?_

_Whatever you call it, yours are the best in the Pacific North West_

_So perky and squishy like a marshmallow_

_I hope you don't think I'm being shallow._

_I just really enjoyed touching them a lot_

_And can't get them out of my train of though._

_So thank you for letting me fondle your breast_

_May I have one small request? _

_Not that I'm saying your boobs are small_

_Because they are perfect – don't doubt that at all_

_My request is may we do it again soon_

_Like maybe tomorrow afternoon? _

_Yours truly,_

_Edward_

* * *

**Starting tomorrow I'm on vacation with my family of five**

**Please pray I survive the long ass drive**

**My apologies for not replying to your reviews**

**I'll be sitting in the sun and drinking booze**

**Thank you for reading, I appreciate it so much  
**

**Your kind words, my heart they do touch.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Well, I'm not so sure Bella appreciated my ode. Personally, I thought it was pretty awesome and probably one of my better poems. When I read it to her over the phone that night Bella giggled, although she then told me I was very sweet to write it. The fact remained that she _did_ laugh, and it sort of hurt my feelings. I can handle being mocked by my brother, embarrassed by my dad, but to have the girl I'm crushing hard on laugh at me? Honestly, it sucked. Yeah, I was a bit butt hurt.

It got me thinking. Girls didn't like guys who were dorky and awkward like I was. If I was going to keep Bella as my girlfriend – and, technically, I still didn't even know if I could call her that – I was going to have to change. And for change to happen I needed to talk to someone who was an expert in knowing what a girl wants in a guy. I knew exactly who to turn to.

Rosalie.

I can picture you shaking your head but what other resources did I have available to me? Jasper who still threw out the occasional masturbation joke? Jake who played Minecraft until his eyes were bleeding? Mom or Dad who knew far too much about anal sex play? No, thank you. Besides, who knew Bella the best? Rosalie.

I asked in my nicest possible voice for her to give me some pointers, and she agreed. Okay, I actually had to beg and also _pay_ her, but the point was she agreed to help me out. Rose had me stand in the middle of her room and turn around slowly so she could do her assessment. I wiggled my ass and she gagged, telling me she was going to have to charge extra for emotional abuse.

"First of all, the clothes – all wrong." She dismissed them with a wave of her hand.

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" I looked down at my baggy jeans and t-shirt. I did the armpit smell test and I wasn't even the slightest bit funky. Okay, maybe there was a hint but barely anything. A spritz of Axe would clear that right up.

"You're the complete opposite of a hipster. Everyone who's anyone is a hipster."

I knew I was way out of the cool zone when I had no idea what that was. When I asked, Rose hung her head down and shook it in disappointment.

"A hipster is someone who's original and doesn't conform to what's popular."

I scratched my head. "But if everyone's a hipster isn't that what's popular?"

Rosalie huffed, obviously frustrated with me.

"It's about having your own style that's similar but not exactly the same as anyone else. Take your jeans. Nobody's wear baggy jeans; Hipsters wear skinny jeans."

"Skinny jeans?" I didn't like the sound of it already.

"Yup. The tighter the better."

"You do realize I have balls right? Balls won't like tight jeans."

"You're acting like your balls are like 10 inches big. They're more like 2.8 to 3.9 inches long, 1.8 inches deep, and 2 inches in width. The right testicle is often smaller than the left. So, yeah, they may be a little squished but not enough for them to be deflated or damaged. Relax."

I stared at her with wide eyes. "How and why do you know that information?"

"Do you want Bella as your girlfriend or not?"

"Damn it. Okay, okay. What else?"

"You need to pick up some cool t-shirts. Plain white is so 2012. Find a Smurfs t-shirt, one with a picture of a tree on it, or anything promoting animal rights."

At least my Bart Simpson undies were hipster-ish. If only Bella would take off my pants, she could appreciate them.

"And old concert tees are totally deck."

I had no idea if 'totally deck' was a good thing or a bad thing, so I was going to avoid concert shirts. I felt like I was 50 years old, not 15, and learning a new language.

"And you need a button up shirt to go over top."

I scratched my head.

"But then you won't see the shirt underneath. I'm not getting this."

"I dunno. It's just how it's done. Cool retro shirt under a cardigan or button up."

"A cardigan? What the fuck is a cardigan?"

"A sweater. Like the ugly ones Gramma makes us for Christmas every year. A flannel button up would be super awesome."

Great. According to that theory, Chief was more hipster than I currently was.

"You could also wear a skinny tie but be careful not to wear too many hipster things at once or people will think you're mocking the trend."

Fucking hell, this was confusing shit. Rosalie assured me that the most important thing was to be perfectly mismatched. Sounded like an oxymoron to me.

"And your shoes have to go, too."

"These are Converse; who doesn't like Converse?"

Rose made a face and shook her head. "You need to find Doc Martens."

"Who's Dr. Martin? One of Dad's friends?"

"Nevermind. Keep the Converse. Accessories are uber important. You need to get some glasses."

"Why? My vision's 20/20."

My sister shrugged. "It's all about the accessories. Wear a hat - and not a baseball cap - a knitted one or something with earflaps. One hundred percent, you need to get a scarf and loop it loosely around your neck."

"What if it's hot out? That'll suck." I protested.

"Edward, it doesn't matter. If you're a hipster, you wear a scarf. If you really want to go full-on hipster, you need a couple piercings – lip or eyebrow is good, cheek would be better. Prince Albert would be the ultimate."

I quirked an eyebrow and Rosalie pointed to my crotch. Instinctively I covered up my junk.

"Fuck that shit!"

"It's up to you. I heard Riley Biers has one."

"No fucking way."

Riley Biers was the king shit of the school. Anyone who was anyone, wanted to be him. "Sorry, I don't care how popular or cool you are, no guy in their right mind is going to pierce their dink."

"I heard from Lauren, who heard it from Jessica, who heard it from Jane – Riley's ex-girlfriend."

I made a note to sneak a peak the next time we were showering after gym. I had to hope I didn't get my ass beat down for breaking the cardinal rule of P.E. – don't look down.

"Girls do it, too. It's called a Queen Christina or something like that."

I wondered what would happen if Prince Albert had sex with Queen Christina? Could you imagine if the piercings got stuck together? That would make for one awkward 9-1-1 call, that's for sure. And you know if I had a Prince Albert that would totally happen to me. No, thank you.

"You also need some facial hair." Rosalie snorted as she looked at my baby face. "Good luck with that one."

I frantically took notes as she kept talking.

"Ditch your backpack, and opt for a courier bag. Buy actual vinyl records, not CD's. You should go vegetarian or vegan – goes with the animal rights t-shirts, ya know? Drink copious amounts of coffee, and smoke weed."

"Finally! Something I could get on board with!"

"You on weed?" Rosalie snorted. "That ought to be fun. Oh! Music – no more mainstream Maroon Five or Miley Cyrus for you. It's indie music or Mikal Cronin."

I was going to be downloading tunes all night.

"Shit, there's a lot to remember."

"You have to own the 'I can't be bothered' look, even if it takes planning to get there. The one thing you sort of have going for you is your hair. You want that 'just got out of bed' look."

"Finally! I'm doing _something_ right."

"I said sort of. You have to style it a bit more to get the perfect messed up look."

"I'm supposed to style it so it looks like I didn't actually style it?" I was confused but Rosalie was proud.

"Yes! You're getting it."

There was so much for me to learn, but I was determined to master being a hipster.

"We're not done. You have to be confident and not say or do asinine things."

"Hi. Have you met me?"

Rose laughed. "Good point. Try to be romantic and sweet. Compliment her, a lot."

"I did that. I told Bella her eyes were like bowls of chocolate pudding."

"You're a piece of work. Okay, skip verbally telling her. Write her a love note instead. Tell her how pretty her hair smells or how it makes you feel to kiss her."

"Heh, heh. I feel hard when I kiss her."

"Oh, God. Please don't tell her that."

"I wrote Bella a poem. More like an ode to her boobs. I touched them, you know." I beamed.

"First of all, eww - my brother feeling up my bestie. Second, you didn't text her the poem, did you?"

"No."

"Thank God."

"I read it to her over the phone."

Rosalie shook her head. "Oy! What else did you say?"

I recited what I could remember of the ode and was severely reprimanded for even mentioning Mom. Apparently that was a major buzz kill. Who knew?

"Look, we all know you're a virgin, but girls want a guy who's got _some_ kind of experience. We don't want you taking ten minutes fumbling around trying to unhook our bra, or over-thinking when you should be kissing us. Confidence is key. Even if you don't know what you're doing, fake it. Act cocky, but don't be a douchebag. It's a fine line so be careful."

Rosalie gave me a lot of pointers that day, and specific things I should say that I stored in my memory to use later. I planned to write some things on my hand so I wouldn't forget.

I asked, more like begged, to borrow one of her bras to practice unhooking it but that was a no go. It was worth a shot.

After our talk, Mom agreed to take Rosalie and me to downtown Port Angeles to do some shopping. We poked through the vintage store and found some great buys. The one positive thing about the new trend was that second hand clothes were pretty cheap.

Later that night I asked Rosalie for her honest opinion on the outfit I'd chosen. I assumed the position and turned around for her. I would have wiggled my ass again but my jeans were far too tight.

"I love it. You actually clean up nice. Hey, if you need help getting ready, just ask. I'll be around in the morning."

"Thanks." I paused in the doorway of her room. "Can I ask you a question? Why are you being so nice to me? Is this all going to backfire on me?"

"I'm not jerking you around here, Edward. I'm doing this for Bella. She's my best friend and for some strange reason she kind of likes you. You'd be cute together, you just need some…refinement."

I glazed over the part where she said I needed refinement. "Bella kind of likes me, huh?"

"God knows why."

I fist pumped myself. Awesome.

"Well, thank you, for everything."

"You're welcome. Good night."

"Night."

I still had no idea if I could pull off the mismatched hipster look, but I sure as hell was going to try. Come Monday, Bella was going to meet the new and improved Edward Cullen. 'Awkward' would no longer be my middle name.

Before bed, I wrote another poem; this one I would keep to myself.

_I bought new clothes today_

_I hope my new look blows Bella away._

_For her I'll wear a skinny jean_

_Even if it squishes my balls and peen_

_I really want to be hip and cool_

_So she's not embarrassed to be seen with me at school_

_I pray I can pull it off_

_I really don't want Bella to scoff._

Rosalie said we'd be cute together

_I sure hope so - I want that girl forever._

* * *

**Thanks Cappy, Maple, and Lolo for pre-reading and beta-ing. I tweak long after they've looked over so mistakes are mine. Thanks to each of you for reading, reviewing, and recommending this fic. Love you a whole lot!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Monday morning and I was up before dawn in an attempt to transform myself into the new and improved Edward. It was hard work to make myself look like I didn't give a shit. My hair alone took a good 45 minutes of sculpting into a perfectly messed-up do, and I still wasn't happy with it. Not that it mattered because I covered it up with a black beanie.

I had on the tightest skinny jeans possible that squished my balls into an unnatural, uncomfortable position. Rose told me it was the price I had to pay, and to suck it up. I called her a bitch. Secretly, I liked the way my ass looked in them, which, by the way, was fucking fantastic. I loved the Snoopy t-shirt I was wearing, but it was covered up by a brown checkered button-up. Draped around my neck was an orange scarf. I personally thought the scarf was overkill but Rosalie told me it was mandatory. To complete the outfit, I had on round-rimmed fake glasses.

I felt more like an idiot than a hipster. Whatevs.

By the way, 'whatevs' is a hipster term. I had other required words and phrases inked onto my palm, and Rosalie advised me to use them whenever I could. I had no idea who made up the words but, personally, I thought they were retarded - which, by the way, is _not_ on the approved list. Words like fin (boring), kale (money), and midtown (cool) were. WTF. Considering most days English felt like a second language to me, speaking foreign lingo was going to take some getting used to for sure.

More important than using the right words, what not to say had been drilled into my head by Rosalie. Specifically, anything pertaining to my mom's boobs was off limits. And speaking of boobs, if Bella mentioned the poem from last night, I was to tell her I was high when I wrote it.

Rose instructed me to act confident; kiss Bella like I meant it. Caress her arms, play with her hair, or hold her hand. I was to do the little things that showed I cared for and desired her. That would be the easy part.

I gave myself a pep talk all the way to school. I was ready. I was fly. I was fucking uncomfortable in those freaking tight ass jeans, but, damn it - I was going to wow Bella!

Once at school, I caught up to her as she was putting her backpack inside her locker. I went up behind her, wrapped my arms around her and nuzzled her neck with my chin. Then I reached up and double fisted her boobs. That totally reeked of confidence and desire.

Bella whirled around, a look of surprise on her face.

"What's up, Bells?" I leaned against the bank of lockers all nonchalant-like.

"Hi." Bella gave me the once over. "Did you lose a bet or something?"

"No, why?"

"Just wondering. New outfit?"

I played it totally cool.

"Nah, I've always had these. I thought I'd wear something different for a change."

"Oh, okay." Bella lowered her voice and looked around. "I, uh, had a lot of fun on Saturday."

"Yeah, me too, fo shizzle."

Rose would've been proud of me for working 'fo shizzle' in so seamlessly.

"You didn't hurt yourself when you fell?"

I held out my left arm. "Sprained my wrist, but luckily it's my left, so..." I shrugged.

"Why luckily?"

"I'm right handed."

Bella laughed. "Oh yeah, duh. That never occurred to me. It would be hard to take notes in class if you'd hurt your right."

"More importantly, jerking off would be a real challenge."

Fuck! Why didn't I have a filter? I blushed; if possible Bella blushed more.

"Uh, not that I do that much. I mean sometimes. Never into a sock or anything like that cause that would be..." SHUT UP! "Never mind. I'm fine."

"That's good. I'm glad you weren't seriously hurt."

The awkward silence crept in between us again.

"I, uh, liked the poem you wrote me."

I gave an exaggerated snort. "Pffff. You know I was totally fucking with you, right?"

"You were?"

"Yeah, fo shizzle. I was smoking a chubby when I wrote it."

I looked down at my hand.

"Shit, not a chubby! I mean a fatty. I was smoking a fatty." I gestured with my fingers to my lips.

"I see. So, uh, how was the rest of your weekend?"

I was hoping she'd ask that - I'd been practicing my answer.

"Totally deck. Saturday night I used my fake ID and got into a club in downtown Seattle. Had some bronsons; busted a moby. I was so Jerry that night, fuck, man. I even lost my piece."

Bella's eyebrows rose – she must have been impressed so I continued.

"Don't worry, I gave all the tassels the Frigidaire and—"

Bella held her hand up. "I'm sorry…what?"

"I gave the tassels the Frigidaire. It was amazeballs."

Speaking of balls, my boys were not happy with the lack of real estate in my jeans. Balls need room to move and swing freely. Mine were severely constricted and sweaty. As much as a sweat-soaked scrotum was not a nice visual, it was worse to actually experience. _Trust me._ I tried to adjust myself inconspicuously. Unfortunately, my jeans were so tight I couldn't get a good grip. I bent my knees like a ballet dancer trying to give my boys some room to jiggle.

"Are you okay, Edward?"

As she asked Bella stared at my groin. Was it possible for a dude to have a camel toe? Would it even be called a camel toe? Maybe it'd be a mammal toe. Or a ninja toe. Yeah, ninja toe! Sweet. Ooohh! Maybe it'd be a camel hump. Yeah, that's it for sure. Camel hump. I like the word hump. Hump. Hump. Hump.

"Edward?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I'm fine. Heh, heh. The word on the clothesline fo shizzle was Cronkite fin shitter."

"What?"

Thankfully, the bell rang so I didn't have to explain what I'd said, which was nothing more than a bunch of random hipster words strung together that made absolutely no sense.

"I should get to class, Edward. See you at lunch?"

Perfect! That would give me enough time to pull myself together - more specifically, to pull my balls in a better position.

"Yeah, I've got kale so I'll score us some grub."

"Right." With a confused look, Bella walked away. I cursed myself for forgetting Rose's advice to be cool.

Deciding to skip the next class, I went to the bathroom to give myself another pep talk. But first, I needed to get out of those jeans. I went into a stall, pulled my pants down, and stood there, naked from the waist down, for a good ten minutes. Believe me, my boys were happy to be free.

Act confident.

Use hipster words – correctly.

Play it cool.

Fail. Fail. Fail. I banged my head against the bathroom stall door. I was determined to do better at lunch. It couldn't go worse.

"You can do this, Cullen. And do it right!"

"Mr. Cullen."

Oh shit! I thought I was alone. I wasn't- and that was Principal Volturi's voice.

"Stop doing the dishes and get out here."

"Wh-what?"

He thought I was washing dishes in the bathroom stall? Weirdo.

"I know what you're doing in there. I can see your pants around your ankles."

Oh. My. God. He thought I was...

"So, stop slammin' the ham and open this door."

"I...uh... need a minute, sir." I hurried to pull my pants up but they were super tight and it was hard to do.

"Now, Cullen."

Principal Volturi mistook my grunting and groaning for … something else.

"Boy, can you not wait until you get home?"

Finally, I got my boys squashed back into my jeans. "There, I did it." I opened the door, red-faced. "I was, uh, just letting my boys breathe." I gestured to my junk.

He didn't look impressed.

"I guess I'll head off to class then." I walked past him toward the door.

"Perhaps you want to wash your hands first?"

I figured I'd just play along and did as he suggested. "Uh, Principal Volturi? Can I have a late pass, sir?"

"Sure, Mr. Cullen. What would you like it to say? Please excuse Edward for being late because he was fixing a clogged drain?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, that could—"

"Go, Cullen. Just go."

And I thought the day couldn't get worse. Little did I know it would get even worse than that.

Meeting up with Bella outside the cafeteria I greeted her with a big kiss – tongue and all – and went for another boob grab as well. Now _that_ was confidence.

"Edward!" Bella smacked my hand away and scolded me in a hushed whisper. "Stop that!"

I gave her my best sexy grin and reached for her boob again.

"What? You liked it on Saturday." I must have said it a bit too loud because a couple of girls walking by us giggled. Bella did not look impressed, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Look, I don't know what's gotten into you but this," she gestured at the new me. "This new Edward, he sucks. Fo shizzle."

With that she stomped away.

What the fuck? I was left dumbfounded.

I went in search of Rosalie and found her by her locker, sitting all cozy-like with Emmett. Since it was hard for me to sit down in the tight pants, I stood while I asked what I was doing wrong.

"You moron. There's a difference between being confident and being a pervert."

I scratched my head. "So, I shouldn't have grabbed her boob?"

"No, dipshit. You have to be subtle."

"You never mentioned subtle." I argued.

"It was implied!" Rosalie facepalmed.

"You seriously just walked up and grabbed her boob?" Emmett wondered with a chuckle.

"Yep, both of them."

"Dude, even I know better than that! That's so not midtown."

Rose snorted. "Bro, you have some major ass kissing to do. FYI, not literally; thought I should clarify that. Go find her or she'll be more pissed at you."

Fucking great. I jogged around the school grounds looking for Bella. Jogging in tight jeans is hard to do.

By the time I found her sitting in the bleachers by the football field, I was one hot and sweaty mess. Though it was uncomfortable, I quietly sat down beside her, debating if I should undo my button or not. I didn't, I'm not that much of a loser.

"Hi."

"Hey." She didn't look at me as she replied.

"I'm, uh, sorry 'bout earlier. The boob grabs – not midtown, fo shizzle."

"Edward, please stop. I don't speak 'what the fuck.'"

Well, that shut me up.

"What's with you today? The clothes, the crazy talk, the inappropriate boob groping? That's not the Edward I know."

"I thought you'd like hipster Edward better." I shrugged.

"Is that what you were trying to be?" Bella laughed when I nodded. "I think I like regular old Edward better, you know the guy who wrote me a sweet poem? Or were you fucking with me? Or maybe you wrote that while you were smoking a chubby." She teased me by nudging her shoulder against mine.

"Your boobs give me a chubby. Fuck, I mean—"

"See? There's the Edward I like. Hi. I missed you."

"But you laughed at me." I told her quietly.

"When?" Bella looked at me blankly, obviously confused.

"When I read my poem to you. You laughed."

"It was a funny poem. I liked it. I like you."

"You do?"

Bella nodded. "Fo shizzle. Why would you think you needed to change for me? Who suggested that?"

"After you laughed at my poem I decided I didn't want you to be embarrassed hanging out with me, so I went to Rosalie for advice."

"Rose told you to act and dress like this?"

"She helped me pick my clothes and told me what words to say and stuff, yeah. Not that I used them correctly. She most certainly didn't authorize the boob grabs."

"Truthfully, I don't mind the outfit so much – but I like you in boot-cut jeans and a white t-shirt just as much. What I didn't like was the 'fo shizzle midtown frigidaire' b.s. I know Rose was just tying to help but, obviously, we have different taste in guys."

I gave Bella a meek smile.

"I just wanted you to like me."

"Edward, I do like you. Don't doubt that. You're not playing the whole 'I'm so sexy you can't resist me' card. You're not over-the-top flirtatious, or an asshole. I like you the way you are."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. The point is, you're unlike any other guy I've ever been interested in before. I like that you don't pretend to be all that and a bag of chips. You're you. Awkward and sweet and adorable."

"That should be my new motto. I don't need to flirt, I'll seduce you with my awkwardness."

Bella reached over and laced her fingers with mine. "I'll say it again. I love the way you speak without a filter; tell me how you really feel. You're genuine and your honesty is refreshing."

"Can I be honest with you right now then?" I had a confession to make.

"Yes, please."

"I fucking hate skinny jeans. My balls are so hot and sweaty they're having their own pool party."

Bella snorted. "Oh my God. There may be such a thing as too much information."

I shrugged. "I was giving them some air in the bathroom and Principal Volturi thought I was washing the dishes. I mean, who does that, A) at school and B) in a bathroom stall? Weirdo."

Bella smiled. "Says the guy who uses a ... never mind. Know what I hate more than the skinny jeans and the hipster words you were saying?"

"What's that?"

"These." Bella stood up in front of me and took off my glasses, then pulled the beanie off my head and threw it to the ground.

Then she sat down on my lap. Not just sat – she fucking straddled me. Holy. Fucking. Shit. She ran her fingers through my hair and I swear to God, even that gave me wood. Although, the chubby was probably due to her straddling me. Damn.

"You have great hair, Edward."

I gave her my best smirk. At least I knew I could do that well.

"Oh yeah? You like my hair?"

Bella nodded as she chewed her lip.

"I actually deep condition it. I use this mint hair conditioner by Herbal Essence. I bought it because they have the best commercials. You know the ones where the girls are pretending to have an orgasm in the shower? It's a good thing they don't use guys because they wouldn't have to pretend, ya know? Anyways, the conditioner—"

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"We just had our first fight. We're supposed to kiss and make up."

"Right. I'll tell you about the conditioner another time."

"Great idea."

Bella and I spent the rest of the afternoon making out on the bleachers. And yes, I undid my button. I made a mental note to have another fight soon, because having Bella straddle me and suck my face off was totally worth it. And it sure as hell beat going back to class.

_Today I tried to be a hipster, fo shizzle_

_In attempt to make Bella's heart sizzle_

_I wore tight jeans that made my balls sweat_

_Something I would later regret._

_I think I'll listen to her, Bella Swan _

_And no more hipster-ward from now on._

_I skipped class and was hiding in the boys bathroom_

_Where Principal Volturi thought I was stroking the broom._

_Anyway, Bella and I had a fight but now we're good_

_Her hot kisses left me sporting major wood._

_During the make out session earlier today_

_I even got in some boobie squeeze play._

_Her breasts are still pretty fucking great_

_And left me in quite a state._

_Made all the worse by the tight ass jean._

_They certainly weren't made for an erect peen._

_Don't worry when I got home I rubbed one out_

_Pppffff, like you had any doubt._

* * *

**Here it is, my usual thank you blurb  
Maple, Lolo, Cappy; Readers - I think you're superb.**

**Cracked Fic - thank you for your rec to the Lemonade Stand**  
**And I made top five - isn't that just grand?**

**There's more Awk-Ward still to come**  
**I hope you're all still having fun.**

**I plan to update on Thursday this week too**  
**Goodbye for now; I bid each of you adieu.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"The charity event should be over by eleven, so we'll be home by midnight at the latest. Jacob, be good and go to bed when you're told with no complaints, or there's no X-box tomorrow." Mom ruffled his hair then turned her attention to Jasper and me.

"Alice and Bella are welcome to come over, but they leave by ten-thirty and there are to be no girls in your room – either of you."

Jasper snorted. "Like Edward would know what to do with a girl in his room."

"I'll have you know I've touched Bella's boobs – both of them – like four times. Thank you very much."

Ha! Take that! For good measure I stuck my tongue out at him.

My brother laughed and I think I saw Dad stifle his. Thanks a lot.

"Wow. Big man on campus now, huh? You're such a loser." Jasper held his thumb and index finger in the shape of an 'L' to his forehead. Real mature.

"Jasper, that's enough." Dad intervened as he helped Mom into her coat.

"Why doesn't she get a lecture?" Jasper jutted his chin at Rosalie.

"I'm going out. I'm meeting up with Lauren to study at the library tonight."

"The fact of the matter is we can trust Rosalie to respect the house rules, unlike some of you." Mom gave Jasper 'the mom look'. You know the one where eyebrows are up, forehead's all crinkle-y and they look generally pissed off? Yeah, _that_ look.

"Ma, I told you before. When I brought Alice up to my room I was being polite. Sure, we could make out in my car or a movie theatre but I was being a gentleman by making her more comfortable."

Dad chuckled. "I have to give you props, Jasper. You have tenacity."

"Don't encourage him, Carlisle. The rule stands, no girls in your rooms. End of story."

Mom gave Jake a kiss and reminded all of us to be good.

"Do you want a ride, Rose? We can drop you off."

"Thanks, but I'm not ready yet."

As soon as Mom and Dad left Rosalie peeled off her hoodie revealing a low cut, tight top.

"You trying to impress Lauren?" I asked as I watched her kick off her runners and put on some high-heeled shoes.

"Emmett's picking me up."

"You're going to study with Emmett and Lauren at the library?" I wondered.

"Lauren's not my type but I'll gladly study Emmett."

"What are you studying? I didn't think you two had any classes together."

"Dude, you're seriously clueless. Have fun, Rosalie. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Jasper wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"If you must know, Edward, Emmett's dad is out tonight so he's got the house to himself; we're going back there."

"I dunno if that's a good idea. You'd probably get more studying done at the library but—"

A car honking interrupted me.

"That's him. Gotta go!" She slammed the door on her way out. It wasn't until a while later I realized she didn't have any books with her. I guessed Emmett would share.

…

…

...

Bella and Alice arrived at the same time. Although I warned that Mom wouldn't be very happy with him, Jasper took Alice straight up to his room. Bella and I watched TV with Jake in the living room.

"You know, Edward, Jasper paid me ten bucks not to tell Mom and Dad about him and Alice going up to his room. I'll charge you the same rate."

"What?"

Jake grinned. "You heard me."

Bella and I looked at each other.

"The price just went up to fifteen."

"You can't do that!" I protested.

"Wanna bet? Listen, I highly doubt you and your girlfriend want to sit here and babysit me all night. Pay me twenty bucks and I say nothing to Mom and Dad when they ask me what you guys were up to."

"Twenty bucks? Ten seconds ago it was ten."

Jake shrugged.

"Inflation, my friend; supply and demand. The longer you take, the higher the price to keep me quiet. Besides, I'm saving up for an iPad mini."

"You're quite the little business man, aren't you?" Bella laughed.

"You know it, sweetheart. So, do we have a deal or not?"

Before I could try to negotiate a better rate, Bella handed him two tens and was dragging me out of the living room.

"Bedtime stands at 8:30, li'l bro."

"Whatevs."

…

…

…

I wasn't exactly expecting Bella to be in my room. Had I known I would have tidied up a bit, you know? Picked the dirty laundry off my floor; hid the spunk socks; sprayed some Axe to mask the smell of ass - stuff like that.

"Sorry, I, uh, wasn't expecting company. I mean, I knew you were coming over but I didn't expect you to actually come up to my room." I kicked what I could into a very large pile in the corner of the room as Bella sat down on my bed.

Yeah, I probably would have washed my comforter as well. Too late now.

"You knew your parents were going out though, right?"

"Uh huh."

"And the thought never occurred to you to bring me up to your room?" Bella leaned back against my pillows.

"It did, but Mom said no girls in my room." I shrugged.

"Do you always do as you're told?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"I dare you to come here then."

Bella played with the ends of her hair and looked at me with these sleepy eyes. Maybe she was tired and wanted a nap. It wasn't until she batted her eyelashes that I realized what she wanted. We were in my room, my parents were out, and she just dared me to sit with her on my bed. Duh, she wanted to play truth or dare. I friggin' loved that game! Excited, I sat down beside her.

"I accepted your dare. That was easy. Your turn – truth or dare?"

"Wh-what?"

"If you're chicken go the easy way and choose truth."

Bella laughed and shook her head. "I'm not a chicken. I'll take dare."

I had to make it a good one. I drummed my fingers against my lips as I thought long and hard.

"I dare you to kiss…my pillow."

Bella looked confused but gave my pillow a big smooch. If she knew what potential bodily fluids were on that pillow case she would've probably opted not to.

"My turn – truth or dare?"

I liked to live dangerously, so I chose dare. Bella grinned.

"I dare you to kiss me for an hour."

"Pppffff! That's easy. You should have made it harder. Jasper once dared me to lick a sign post in the middle of winter. I know what you're thinking – 'Edward wouldn't be that crazy!' but yeah, I am. Anyways, my tongue totally—"

Bella held up her hand to silence me.

"My dare has two parts."

"Oh. I guess that's allowed. What's part two?"

"I dare you shut up." She wriggled her eyebrows and crooked her finger at me. "Get over here."

Bella literally tugged on my shirt to bring our lips together. I kept one eye on the clock as we made out – I had yet to lose a dare and I wasn't about to start.

Twenty minutes in and to hell with keeping watch! Bella had her hands under my shirt, a finger swirling around my nipple. I had no idea it would feel so good.

My hands were all over her boobs and my mouth was kissing as much cleavage as her t-shirt would allow, which wasn't enough. As though Bella read my mind, she sat up and peeled off her top to reveal a white bra. It wasn't lacy like the ones in the magazines I 'read' – it was plain white and probably the sexiest thing I'd ever seen on a woman. With a groan I traced the cups of her bra with my finger, dipping it under a little.

My hands snaked around her back and that's when I discovered the Fork Knox of all clasps. What the fuck? I think Sex-Ed classes should spend less time on sheathing bananas with condoms and more time focusing on how to unclasp a bra. I was going to write Victoria Secret a letter in the morning proposing Velcro bras. Just sayin'. No matter what I did the friggin' clasp wasn't coming undone.

Seeing me struggle, Bella smiled at me.

"It actually opens in the front."

She gestured to a silver clasp in the middle. Talk about convenient! Once I managed to get it unhooked, her breasts were freed.

Holy fucking shit. They were the prettiest boobs I'd ever seen – in real life I mean. Some may question if boobs can be pretty and yes, they can. Bella's were round, perfectly symmetrical, and fit nicely into the palms of my hands. I bounced them a little, juggling them back and forth, and really admired them.

"Nice to meet you."

Bella giggled. "Did you just say 'nice to meet you'?"

Damn it, I thought that was in my head. I blushed.

"Those are some nice tits. I mean boobs. Breasts. You have nice breasts."

"I think they are a little small, but thank you."

"Small? Naaah. I like them this way. Any more than a handful's just a waste. Besides, if they were bigger they'd be all saggy like my mom's and that's…yeah that's a mood killer, never mind. Am I allowed to kiss them?"

As Bella nodded she chewed on her lower lip. Loved that.

Since I had permission, I went to town. I cupped them, squeezed them, kissed them, and sucked her nipples into my mouth. Bella's eyes were closed, her fingers knotted up in my hair, and every moan and groan she emitted went straight to my groin leaving me sporting a raging hard on.

Damn it! I'd forgotten to pump the chump before she came over! I'd have to remember that for next—never mind, no longer a problem. I'd change later.

As we continued to make out, this weird noise started coming from Jasper's room next door.

"Meeeeooowww."

"Mew. Mmmmmmmm."

"Bella, do you hear that?" I whispered.

"Uh huh." She pressed kisses down my throat. "Don't care."

I tried to go back to what we were doing but the sound was rather distracting. And it was getting louder. It almost sounded like a cat in heat or something. And if Jasper had a cat in his room I was going to be pissed. He knew I was allergic.

"I'm sorry, Bella. Just give me a minute. I need a word with my brother."

I stormed out of my room and pounded on Jasper's door. I must have scared the cat because the noise stopped.

"Jasper!"

"What the fuck, Edward? Go away!"

"Mom's going to be mad if you brought a kitten home!"

"Fuck off, dipshit."

Apparently my health wasn't a concern for him. Nice.

I went back to my room and attempted to resume activities but the damn cat went back to meowing. Even though cats made me all congested and sneeze-y, I hoped she wasn't sick. Poor thing.

Then the thumping started.

Thump.

Meow.

Thump.

Meow.

"Fucking Jasper! I bet he's playing with a laser pen and having the cat hit the wall on purpose to bug us. I'm so sorry, Bella."

As she waved a hand at me I noticed her bra was back on. Thanks to my asshole brother for ruining the mood.

"Don't worry about it. Why don't you put on some music to drown them out."

Bella's a smart girl. Plugging my iPhone into the speaker, I chose something to get back at my brother for being so inconsiderate and then played it loud. Ha.

"What is that?" Bella almost had to yell over the music.

"This is the soundtrack to the musical 'Cats'. Hear that Jasper?" I pounded the wall with my fist. "Payback's a bitch, mother fucker." I did the happy dance (AKA butt wiggle) around my room but stopped when I remembered Bella was there.

"Sorry 'bout that." I blushed. "He and I sort of have a long standing feud. It pisses me off that he brought a cat home. I'm allergic, you know."

"Did you see him bring a cat home, Edward?"

"Well, no but—"

"Do you think maybe it was Alice?"

"You think Alice brought the cat over?" I scratched my head. "I guess that's possible. She doesn't know about my allergies. I would hope Jasper would've said something, though."

"Stop and think about it. The groaning; the thumping. Maybe that was Alice and Jasper, you know, having a good time." Bella crooked her eyebrow up.

It finally dawned on me. Bow chicka bow wow. Then I scrunched up my nose.

"Eewww! Jasper and Alice are doing _that_ with a cat watching?"

Bella shook her head and sighed. "Why don't we go downstairs to the living room. I'll pay Jake to go to bed early."

I liked her thinking!

We left the music blaring – my passive aggressive way at getting back at my brother - and made our way back down to the living room. Hopefully Jake would take Bella's bait and leave us alone.

_Mom and Dad were out for the night_

_Much to my delight_

We paid Jake and went upstairs

I thought we'd talk about world affairs.

But we played truth or dare instead

And then made out on my bed.

_I saw and touched Bella's bare breasts_

_Oh my God, they're simply the best._

_But fucking Jasper had a cat in his room_

_I'm allergic to them (and also perfume)_

_Anyway, the cat was so distracting_

_And our make out session it was impacting_

_So Bella and I took it to the living room_

_Where our kissing and boob groping we could resume._

That's where this story will continue next

_Hey, maybe it'll end in sex._

Or maybe more embarrassing things happened to me

I guess you just have to wait and see.

* * *

**I can't thank you guys enough for all your kind reviews! I'm so appreciative of each and every one; they mean so much to me. I can't believe this fic hit 1000 reviews already. You're all wonderful. Thank you, thank you.  
**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Jake was easily bribed with another ten bucks, which was great because watching TV with him around was always a pain in the ass. The kid talks non-stop about nothing. _So_ irritating. I had no idea who he got that annoying trait from. Probably our dad.

Once we were alone, Bella set me straight about what was actually happening in Jasper's room. I gotta say, Alice sounded an awful lot like a cat and I wasn't totally convinced.

"So, anyway, did you wanna make out again now, or watch something on Netflix?" I had to ask – I didn't want to just assume we could go right back to it.

"Definitely make out, but you should put the TV on just in case your parents come home early."

"Smart thinking!" I flipped through the listing, not really paying attention, and settled on some random movie. We started watching but soon we were more absorbed in kissing than the show.

Now, I'm not one to kiss and tell….

Bwahaha! Who am I kidding? I totally touched her boobs again! Go me!

We worked up an appetite and decided to take a break a while later. Bella left her bra off, but slipped her t-shirt on. It was a good look for her. We made some microwave popcorn and grabbed a couple of sodas before moving back to in the living room. As we sipped our drinks we watched a bit of the movie.

The male main character was making himself some dinner and his doorbell rang. When he answered it, there stood some hot blonde in a black trench coat and six-inch heels.

While looking at him with the most expressive come-fuck-me eyes I'd ever seen, the woman slowly untied the belt and removed her coat. As it fell to the floor, the camera panned back to show her dressed in a black lacy push up bra, matching panties, and thigh high nylons. As much as I liked Bella's plain white bra, the black lacy one that girl had on was also acceptable, and definitely got my attention.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Bella's eyebrows rise as she reached into the bowl on her lap for more popcorn.

Without batting an eye, the couple on screen united, their mouths colliding. She was pulled into the house, not even stumbling over the coat as they kissed their way into the kitchen – impressive. He slammed her up against the fridge, her fingers snared into his hair as they made out like there was no tomorrow.

I thought of three things.

One – close the door, your neighbors may walk by.

Two – that has to be cold on her back – it was a stainless steel fridge.

Three – she should take off the death shoes before she breaks her ankle.

The characters on screen weren't phased by any of that.

Instead, her leg hitched up and over his hip; his hand roughly grabbed her thigh before he slid it up and cupped her backside. Then he spanked her - hard enough to leave a mark. I was mentally taking notes; this guy was oozing confidence.

His mouth moved off hers and made a wet trail across the top of her chest. No, seriously, a wet trail - the camera picked it up and to me it looked like a snail's tracks. Disgusting. But apparently it was enjoyable as confirmed by the purring sound the woman made. Purring, not meowing - Alice should be watching to take notes. The purring was hot.

Huh.

His hands snaked behind her and in one fluid motion he ripped the bra right off her. That was one way to get past the Fork Knox clasp. The material was tossed haphazardly behind him, and he cocked an eyebrow at the girl. Now _that _I needed to learn how to do. As he lazily traced his tongue over the nipple, her head fell back against the fridge; mine lolled against the couch.

And man, that guy could multitask. His free hand – the one not groping the boob – was toying with the edge of her panties, and she was moaning his name, begging him to touch her _down there_.

It was pretty hot but then I got to thinking. He'd just been in the kitchen cooking. My God, woman, beg him to wash his hands first because in the last scene he was cutting up raw chicken. He'd probably give her salmonella poisoning where a woman certainly wouldn't want salmonella poisoning.

She didn't seem to mind. Salmonella be damned.

Then her panties were pushed aside and I got a glimpse of her… _you know_. Except it had no hair. None. Bald as an eagle! Sure as fuck beat the pants off the hairy beavers I'd seen in my dad's magazines. WOW.

Bella started to choke on popcorn. I was so enthralled with what I was watching I didn't even ask if she was okay.

And I started wondering if Bella's, _you know,_ looked like that. Our make out sessions had all been strictly above-the-waist but after this, damn, I was going to have to venture south, and soon!

Back to the movie…

The dude's mouth was sucking on her boob – like, _hard_ – and his fingers were sliding in and out of her… _you know_. Bella gave an exaggerated sigh and picked up her iPhone. Apparently she wasn't interested. Personally, I was completely entertained – mouth gaped, eyes wide and dick twitching.

Bella sat beside me, searching Facebook, looking rather bored by it all. The truth of the matter - the whole thing was turning me on. Big time. All I wanted to do was run upstairs and take care of business. Instead, I tried to shrink my boner by thinking disgusting thoughts.

Jasper and Alice's humping sounds.

My parents showering together.

Ketchup on eggs.

Nothing worked.

On screen, main character dude's jeans and boxers were shed and, wow, his dick was huge.

The woman got on her knees and licked him from base to tip. Oh my God! I would've combusted if that were me. She licked him like she was devouring an ice cream cone that was melting in the heat of summer. And then, you're never going to believe this, she took his whole cock inside her mouth!

There were no words.

Seriously.

I needed a minute.

Actually, I'm pretty sure fifteen seconds would suffice. Even _that_ was being generous.

Eventually, the woman stepped out of her underwear and massive cock dude picked her up, her long legs wrapping around his waist. If Bella expected that of me I was going to have to start going to the gym and lifting some weights.

I scratched my head. Why was he picking her up? They weren't going to do it like that were they? Against the fridge? Standing up? How?

Ooh!

And before I could wonder how _that_ would even fit in _there_, I was left with no doubt. He impaled her. Hard. The screaming she was doing didn't seem to be from pain. Whatever Jasper was doing with Alice was totally wrong, because this woman was far from meowing, that was for damn sure.

I started counting how many times he rammed into her. I didn't even need that many pumps to jerk off. This man was a machine! My idol! My—

"What the hell are you kids watching?" _  
_  
As Dad's voice boomed into the room, Bella and I both jumped up. Our bowls of popcorn dumped onto the floor and my Coke joined it. Yeah, that didn't make us look guilty at all.

Mom let out a gasp. I assumed it was from seeing the massive cock on the big screen, but it could have also been because I was pitching a tent. I grabbed a pillow and tried to cover up before Bella saw.

Too late.

I'm not sure who blushed more – Mom, Bella, or me.

In the midst of the chaos Dad found the remote but instead of turning the show off, he turned the surround sound on so the entire room, all eight friggin' speakers, were blasting out grunts, groans, the sound of bodies slapping together, and a running commentary by massive cock boy and hairless wonder.

"_Fuck me harder, baby!"_

"Carlisle! Turn it off!"

"_Right there, baby! Yes! Yes!"_

"Esme, I'm trying. What the hell? Arrrggg!"

"_I'm coming! I'm coming!"_

Dad finally managed to silence the room by pressing pause.

Pause, people.

The screen was frozen with the man's massive dick poised to slide back in; the woman pinching her own nipple, her mouth open in mid-orgasmic scream.

Awesome. No, seriously, it was an awesome visual.

Except my parents were seeing it as well. Not awesome.

You'd think embarrassment would shrink a boner. Wrong.

Finally, Dad managed to turn the television off, thank God.

I tried my best to play it cool. "So, you're home early. How was your night?"

Both my parents glared at me, arms crossed over their chests.

"I, uh, think I should head home," Bella suggested quietly.

"I'll walk you," I quickly volunteered. "Here, don't forget your bra."

Yeah, I'm a dumb ass.

"Not so fast, young man." Dad looked around. "Where are your brothers and sister?"

"Jake's in bed."

"And Jasper?"

"Jazz and Alice are upstairs. Either they were playing with a kitten or Alice makes some weird sounds." Bella jabbed her elbow into my ribs. Sorry, but if I was going to get in shit, I was taking my brother down with me.

"What? There better not be a cat - he knows you're allergic!"

"That's what I said, Mom!" I whined.

She left the room to bring them downstairs. I hoped he got in supreme shit if there was a cat. I still wasn't convinced a person could make that meowing sound.

"Where's Rosalie?"

"Studying at the library?" It came out as a question.

"Studying my ass. It's 10:30, she should have been home an hour and a half ago. Where is she?" Dad was pissed.

"She's with Emmett. He's a friend of Jasper's. I dunno where he lives, though."

Bella and I stood there awkwardly as my father glared at me, demanding to know Emmett's last name. A guilty looking Alice and Jasper came downstairs, him clad only in his boxers and without a kitten. WTF? Bella was right. Jazz gave Dad Emmett's address and directions. Ten minutes later, Dad was driving both Alice and Bella home and on his way to break down Emmett's door to bring Rosalie home.

Mom told Jasper and me to wait in the living room while she made herself a cup of tea.

I turned to my brother once we were alone. I was determined to prove that Bella was wrong.

"Did you have a cat in your room?"

"What?"

"I thought I heard you playing with a cat in your room."

Jasper snorted. "I was playing with a different sort of pussy."

My mouth hung open. Bella was right!

"I thought you said you and Alice weren't doing _that_?"

Jasper gave me a smug look. "Things change. For the better."

I looked around for Mom and lowered my voice.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jasper shrugged so I continued. "Does Alice have hair, down there?"

My brother punched my arm.

"Ow! What was that for?" I rubbed the spot but I already knew there'd be a bruise by morning.

"That's my girlfriend you're talking about, loser. God!"

I took that as a no.

"What about Mom and Rosalie?"

"Oh my God! Don't talk to me. Just don't!"

We sat together in silence after that. When Dad got home, Rosalie was ushered into the living room and sat beside us looking just as guilty as the rest of us.

Just as they were about to start their lecture, cue Jake wandering into the living room, rubbing his eyes.

"Mommy? Dad? Are you home?"

I snorted at his use of 'Mommy'.

She totally fell for it and immediately snuggled him into a hug. "Hi, baby. Yeah, we're home. Why are you up?"

"I had a bad dream earlier and when I came downstairs no one was here. I was so scared." Jake sniffled for effect.

"Why you little sh—"

"Jasper, don't. Can't you see he's upset? Come on, sweetheart, let me tuck you back in."

"Thanks, Mommy." He slipped his hand into hers and was led back up to his room. Such a punk. Smart little fucker though.

As soon as they were gone, Dad lit into us.

"Your mother and I are very disappointed in each of you. We thought we could trust you, but apparently not."

He droned on and on and on. I tuned him out. Eventually we all mumbled an apology – more sorry for having been caught than for disobeying, but whatever.

"What should I do about punishments?"

I raised my hand because I had a suggestion.

"Maybe it should be given out according to what base we got to."

"Are you really that stupid?" Rosalie rolled her eyes at me.

"What?" According to that, I assumed I'd be in the best position.

"It was a rhetorical question, son. But I'll keep that in mind for next time."

As it turned out, we were grounded for two weeks. No TV, no video games, no friends over after school or on the weekends, and extra household chores. Life sucked but, hey, I got in some quality make out time before we were busted so it wasn't all bad.

In the privacy of my room later that night, I took out my journal.

_My parents walked in on Bella and I_

_Watching a girl doing a guy_

_Dad paused the show and mom was shocked_

_All I could see was the guy's big cock._

_Now I'm grounded for disobeying a basic house rule_

_And have to come straight home from school_

_I can't see Bella outside of class at all_

_Which really sucks a fat donkey ball_

_But I'll have the memory of Bella's naked rack_

_To imagine when I whack. _

_So it was worth getting in shit_

_Because I got to see her tit._

* * *

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**_Yes, this Edward is clueless, naive and a little but dumb  
_**

**_But doesn't that make the fic that much more fun?_**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

When you've finally met your first pair of naked boobs and then are deprived of them for two whole weeks, it's painful – in more ways than one. Being grounded sucked. The up side, heh heh, was I had new material to draw from when jerking off. I'd shaved a good minute off my personal best time. I'm not sure if that was a good or a bad thing, but it is what it is.

Seeing as I was grounded, Bella and I stole as many kisses as we could during lunch break at school. I wasn't as brave as Jasper, who skipped classes and did God knows what with Alice in the back of his car. And from the rumors going around school, Rosalie and Emmett ditched class and made use of the boy's locker room. Considering all the sweat and other bodily fluids in there, it certainly wouldn't be my first choice.

After our grounding, Mom and Dad watched us kids like hawks. Our only real private time, besides at school, was at night when Bella and I would chat on the phone for hours at a time.

The problem with that was I have a hamster bladder so a few times I had to take a leak while talking to her. Being that I'm completely uncoordinated, I almost lost my phone in the shitter a couple times. Not wanting Bella to know I was peeing while talking to her, I'd cover up the mouthpiece before flushing. I thought I was being totally stealthy about it, but Bella's not dumb.

"Did you just go to the bathroom?"

"No, heh heh, I was just, uh, relaxing in here – the toilet's rather comfortable."

Yes, I'm a terrible liar.

Know what else I'm terrible at? Phone sex.

Okay, technically it wasn't phone 'sex' because we're nowhere near that in our relationship, but let's just say that talking dirty- on the phone or otherwise- isn't exactly my forte.

In my defense, I did Google what to say and I'd written down some of the lines that were hot. Except when you're reading from a piece of paper and trying to decipher your own chicken scratch at the same time, it doesn't exactly go as planned.

It went something like this. And FYI: Bella started it.

"You know what I wish we were doing right now, Edward?"

Can I jump in here and say that the way Bella asked the question was all sultry and sexy-like? And wasn't that question her way of begging for some dirty talk? Yeah, I thought so to. I took her statement and ran with it.

"Let me guess. You wish you were here, in my room, kissing me and rubbing my cock. You'd be on your knees in front of me, my dick hard and throbbing; ready for your sweet, seductive mouth. Perhaps you'd prefer if I were in control. I'd lay you down on my bed; rip off your bra and panties. Your nipples would be begging for my teeth to nibble on them. I'd lick you everywhere. Well, except your feet - feet are kinda gross. Anyway, my hand would travel lower, and caress your clitoris. Note: replace 'clitoris' with…question mark, question mark. Oh shit, sorry I was supposed to Google another word for that, heh heh. When I read 'clitoris' it sounds like a dinosaur. Now, where was I?" I flipped the pages over trying to find out where I'd left off.

"Um, Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"When I asked if you knew what I wish we were doing right then, I was actually going to say I wish we were at the movies."

"I'm sorry – the movies?"

"Yeah – Tarantino's new movie came out today."

I scratched my head. "Oh…heh heh. Well, this is a little awkward then."

Bella chuckled. "Yeah, a little."

"Was it at least, you know, hot?" I wondered. I thought it was. In fact, I was looking around my room for a sock.

"Honestly? It was just okay. It was a little scripted and monotone."

"Damn it." I'd definitely have to work on that.

After my failed attempt at talking dirty I thought it would be better if we stuck to texting. I discovered that via texts I was a lot braver than I normally was. Hiding behind my words, I edited myself to look more confident than I really was. I think I came off as much less dorky.

One night texting turned into sexting. Honest, it wasn't my intention, although I'm certainly not complaining. I simply told Bella I missed her and the conversation progressed from there.

_Edward: I miss u_

_Bella: miss u 2_

_Edward: what do u miss about me?_

Bella: ur smile_. What do u miss about me?_

_Edward: ur boobs_

(Okay, maybe I was still a dork.)

_Bella: LOL They miss u 2_

_Edward: U should send me a pic. I'm forgetting what they look like_

That's called wishful thinking.

And let me tell you, wishes do come true because the next text was a picture of her boobs. She'd pulled down her t-shirt revealing a pink bra (holy hell) and a whole lot of cleavage. Unfortunately, there was no nip slip, but I'd take it!

_Edward: WOWZA!_

_Bella: You like?_

_Edward: yes! Sorry, typing one handed now._

_Bella: LOL_

I wasn't kidding but I'd let her think so.

Wouldn't you know it my stupid sister sent me a text right then interrupting me gawking at Bella's boobs.

_Rosalie: do u have my English Lit book?_

I sent her a quick 'no' reply back and went back to my convo with Bella.

_Edward: that pic gives me a chubby_

_Bella: really?_

_Edward: Fuck yeah!_

_Bella: Prove it!_

_Rosalie: Are you sure you don't have my book?_

Fuck off, Rosalie! I sent that exact text back to her then took a picture of the bulge in my pants and forwarded it to Bella before I chickened out. If I do say so myself, it was a good picture – my sweatpants left very little to the imagination. Okay, I may have bagged them out a wee bit to give a better idea of what she was missing out on, but you know what I mean.

_Rosalie: WTF is that?! OMG my eyes! My eyes!_

Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck!

_Edward: Pretend you didn't see that!_

_Rosalie: I wish I could! Eeeewwww! OMG ur sexting with Bella! Jazz will love this!_

I ran out of my room into the hallway hoping to intercept her. Unfortunately, I was too late.

"Jazz, check this shit out!" Rosalie was laughing as she showed Jasper the picture. He squinted his eyes and tilted his head back and forth for a second.

"Is that what I think it is?"

He looked at me for clarification and since I hadn't had time to deflate it was confirmed.

"Why the fuck are you texting a picture of your boner to your sister?"

"She's my step-sister. Duh."

Jasper snorted. "Well, that makes it so much better. Dude! I think there's something seriously wrong with you!"

"What's wrong with Edward? Is he sick?" Mom asked as she came up the stairs. I quickly flipped my dick up, tucking it under the waist band of my sweat pants and made sure my shirt was pulled far enough down to cover it. It's an old trick I've learned.

Jasper smirked. "I'm pretty sure something's up with him."

"Definitely up," quipped Rosalie. "But it's nothing big. Don't worry about it, Mom."

I glared at the two of them. Fuckers.

"Edward?" Mom walked over to me and put her hand on my forehead. "You do feel a little warm."

I ducked my head away from her. "Ma, I'm fine."

"Perhaps you should go to bed early tonight."

"I said I'm fine!"

"If you say so." Mom walked down the hall to her room, leaving me alone with Rose and Jasper.

Jasper grabbed my phone from my hand and went through my text conversation with Bella.

"Wow. Bella's got a nice rack for a skinny chick."

I lunged at him, knocking him over and got a few good punches to his stomach before he pushed me off, flipped me over and clocked me in the face. That was definitely going to leave a mark.

"Jasper! Edward! Stop it right now!" Mom grabbed at Jasper's shirt and pulled him off me. "What's gotten into you kids?"

"Jasper disrespected Bella. That's not cool!" I argued.

"Edward's got dirty pictures on his phone!"

My eyes bugged out. I couldn't believe he ratted me out. I took a chance that he had some on his. I mean, if anyone had porn on his phone, it'd be him for sure.

"Jasper does too!" I stood up, feeling a little woozy from the punch to the face.

There was no sympathy from Mom. She held out her hand and demanded we hand over our phones. I noticed Rosalie had conveniently disappeared.

Jasper and I both did as we were told. Mom looked at my phone first. Her eyes went wide and her lips pursed together.

"You boys wait in your rooms. Your father and I will talk to you later. Rosalie! Come here please and bring me your phone."

Rosalie sauntered out of her room, a smirk on her face.

"What's wrong, Mom?" She asked as she passed her phone over.

"Do you have pornography on phone, too?"

Rose looked like the epitome of innocence.

"What? Of course not. Just the picture Edward sent me. See?"

Mom looked at her screen then back at me.

"Edward, why would you text a picture of a sock stuffed into your sweatpants to your sister?"

Jasper snickered so I jutted my chin at him.

"That's all me, baby. I mean, Mom."

"Everyone to your rooms. We'll call you down in a bit."

Mom went downstairs calling 'Carlisle' in a desperate sounding voice. As soon as she was gone, Jasper punched me again, this time in my shoulder.

"What the fuck, dude? You totally ratted us both out!"

"You started it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"What are you guys, six?" Rosalie rolled her eyes. "I'm glad_ I_ don't have anything to worry about."

"Maybe Mom would like to hear about you skipping out to dry hump your boyfriend in the locker room?"

"You wouldn't dare, Jasper. You know I have worse dirt on you." Rosalie glared at him, and Jasper must have known she was right because he dropped it. Damn it! I wanted to know what that dirt was!

"That's just fucking great. I'll probably lose my phone and all of Alice's x-rated texts will be deleted. Thanks a lot, Edward." Jasper stormed past me to his room, slamming his door. I went back to my room and slammed my door harder to make a point.

Within the hour, Mom and Dad had called Jasper and me to the living room. Little Miss Priss Rosalie was off the hook, having deleted anything incriminating off her phone and out-smarted our parents.

Jasper and I got a lecture about inappropriate texts and how things can be leaked to the Internet, yada, yada, yada. Then we got yet another safe sex talk. I thanked God that this one didn't involve props or anything pertaining to butt hole sex. Finally, we were grounded for another week and our phones confiscated.

The plus side for me was they didn't take my journal away, so I still had something to do with my time. I locked myself in my room after the lecture and wrote another poem.

_Apparently I suck at talking dirty on the phone_

_Even though my own words left me with a big bone_

_I'm pretty sure I made Bella yawn_

_Because with my words I did ramble on_

_I'm going to do more research on it_

_Mark my words, one day, I'll be the shit._

_Phone sex aside, we moved on to texting_

_I think I'm much better at sexting._

_Bella sent me a picture of her boobs by text_

_It certainly left me feeling quite vexed._

_I tried to send her a picture back_

_Of my penis power pack._

_Unfortunately, I sent it to Rosalie instead_

_Immediately I was filled with dread._

_She showed it to Jasper, that fuck_

_Seriously, I have the worst luck._

_Now I'm grounded for a while longer_

_Oh well, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder._

…

…

I read the poem aloud to myself.

"Longer. Fonder. Eh, I guess it'll do. It's a near rhyme." I was talking to myself.

Or so I thought.

"What are you doing?" Jasper leaned against my doorway, smirk on his face.

"None of your business. And don't you knock?" I held my journal behind my back.

"I did knock but I guess you were so enthralled with your 'penis power pack' you didn't hear me. Since when did you keep a diary? What are you, the next Diary of a Wimpy Kid?"

"Very funny. It's a journal, thank you very much. I write my personal thoughts in it."

"So, nothing too deep then."

I flipped him the middle finger. "Did you need something?"

"Nope, I think I've seen enough. Have a good night. I think I will. I'll probably jerk off to the naughty little picture Bella sent you. Thanks."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You're an asshole."

"Thank you," he said with a slimy smirk and a deep bow.

Cocky motherfucker. I literally slammed my door in his face. I was so pissed off after he left that I wrote another poem to blow off some steam.

_Jasper is such a dick_

_He thinks he's so slick_

_Really he's just a fucking asshole_

_Sometimes I hate him with my whole soul_

_How dare he make a rude comment about my girl_

_God, he makes me want to hurl._

_Him talking smack about Bella isn't cool_

_I wish my parents would sent him to an all boys school._

* * *

**Hello again, faithful readers and friends**  
**Through your reviews, your kindness transcends.**

**I appreciate each and every kind word**  
**For this boy who's a bit of a nerd.**

**Thanks to my pre-readers and beta for their assistance**  
**Sending my love to them from across the distance.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

When our grounding was finally over, Bella and I were excited to spend time together outside of school again. And by that I mean _I_ was excited to see her boobs again! Still not allowed to have a girl in my room, we went to the movies to make out, as cliché as it sounds. It sucked to have to spend so much money to have some privacy – and I use that word loosely because the theatre was never empty - but desperate times called for desperate measures. And trust me, I was desperate.

It was in the back row of Cinema Six on a Friday night when I first put my hand down Bella's pants. Well, technically it was up her skirt**, **but you know. Whatever.

Our make**-**out session started before the previews were even over. What? We had to make the most of our time together. My hand was on her thigh while we were kissing. First my thumb started stroking**,** then I slowly slid my hand up and down the smooth contour of her leg. With each pass I went a little higher up until I was brave enough to venture a hand under the hem of her skirt. There was no resistance so I slid my hand all the way up until I came in contact with her panties. They were warm and I could feel wetness through the thin material.

Instant wood.

As I toyed with the edge of her underwear Bella moaned into my ear.

"Please." She begged.

Begged, people!

"Here?" I looked around us. We were the only ones in the back row; the next group of people was four rows in front of us.

Bella responded, nodding her head, her lips brushing against the shell of my ear.

I hesitated for a moment wondering if I should wash my hands first. Dad had said never to use butter as a lubricant and I had butter fingers from the popcorn. I wondered if that only pertained to backdoor play? And why couldn't you use butter? Would it cause some kind of reaction? Give her a rash? I suspected a rash down there wouldn't be very comfortable. Or maybe**-**

"Please, Edward?" Bella uttered again**,** and I threw caution to the wind and went for it. I'd buy her hydrocortisone cream if she needed it later.

Obviously I had no idea what I was doing**,** so I took cues from Bella. And, as it turned out, I didn't suck at it! Well, initially I did but since that night I like to think I've learned a few things

God, the first time I gave Bella an orgasm I wanted to fist pump the air. Although, I could have used a fist pump of another variety because I had some _serious_ blue balls. I debated going to the restroom to relieve the pressure but jerking off in a public washroom is really nasty. What I mean is that I assumed it would be nasty. Not like I'd done that before. Okay, I did it once. It was a matter of life or death, I can assure you.

Of course, I had to write in my journal after I my first experience down south.

_At the movie tonight I touched Bella down there  
For the record, she does have hair_

_It started with my hand on her hip  
Then my fingers took a little dip_

_She was warm and wet and oh my God!  
I can't wait until I can plunge in my rod_

_At this point I'd settle for a little rub  
And not my own hand wrapped around my chub._

…

…

…

A week later I got my wish, this time in the back row of Cinema Two. We were actually watching the movie when Bella leaned over and whispered in my ear.

"Would you like to get off?"

"Hell, yeah!" I didn't care that someone a few rows ahead of us shushed me. I had my button undone and my zipper pulled down in three seconds flat. Bella looked at me incredulously.

"Uh, I asked if you wanted some pop."

I looked at her blankly. "Pop?"

"Soda, ya know? I asked 'would you like some pop.'"

I blushed, big time. "Well, this is a little embarrassing."

Before I could zip myself up, Bella had her hand in my pants.

Into my Spiderman undies; wrapped around me.

Stroking.

GAH! Best thing ever!

Seriously**-** for someone who didn't have a penis she was doing a fantastic job of getting me off.

For the love of all things holy, it was the best moment of my life so far.

We (I) should have thought a few minutes (14 seconds) ahead. We didn't have any napkins to clean her hand or myself. I apologized**, **but Bella smiled deviously as she simply wiped her hand on the empty seat next to her. Kind of made me wonder what _we_ were sitting on. But really, I was just coming**-** pun intended**-** off a high and couldn't care less.

When I got home I was over the moon excited, but I managed to calm myself down long enough to write about it.

_Tonight, Bella jerked me off at the movie_  
_It sure as hell was more than groovy _

_It's amazing not come by your own means_  
_Which is a lot when you're fifteen_

_I couldn't help myself and just let loose_  
_Bella's hand was covered in my love juice_

_She was totally cool about it though_  
_Wiped off her hand and went back to watching the show._

_I wouldn't recommend sitting in the back row of cinema two_  
_Unless you want to risk sitting in my goo_

_If only we had alone time we could fuck_  
_It'll never happen with my bad luck_

_Mom or Dad would probably walk in  
And tell me I'm going to hell for my sin._

_I'd go to hell and back for Bella  
Cause I'm a nice kind of fella. _

…

…

…

A week later I was recanting my statement. I'm _not_ a nice guy**,** because I was going to kill Jasper. I fucking hate him. Hate! Him!

Saturday night, we – Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Bella and I - were sitting around talking and stuff. Mom, Dad, and Jake were at a movie. I hoped they weren't anywhere near the back row of Cinema Two – now _that_ would be awkward! Not to mention gross! There was no point in us kids pairing off and going up to our rooms because mom called pretty much every five minutes and demanded to speak to each of us every time she called. Sneaky woman.

Out of the blue**, **Jasper asked if anyone had read any good books lately. I just thought he was being weird**,** trying to impress Alice**-** because we all know Jasper doesn't read books unless there are naked pictures in them.

Never in a million years did I anticipate what came next.

"I stumbled across this little gem**,** and it's probably the most profound poetry I've ever read."

I was still clueless at that point**…**until I saw my journal in his hands.

My heart started pounding in my chest and all I could think was surely Jasper wouldn't be _that_ cruel. He wouldn't reveal my private thoughts to the girl I was head over heels in love with. My brother – step or not - wouldn't be that much of a douchebag.

I was wrong.

"Here's one of the first poems. 'Tonight I got caught jerking off. All because I didn't hear my mother knock. Now my sister wants her lotion back but I need it when I have the urge to whack.'"

Emmett, Alice and Bella looked confused but knowing the back-story Rosalie snorted out a laugh. I sat there, frozen. Like an idiot I did nothing**,** because I was in complete shock.

Jasper continued.

"This afternoon I saw Bella at the store. I should have run right out the door. I went and messed everything up by telling her to buy the Diva Cup. If only I had flirted, instead she thinks I'm perverted and thinks my nickname is Tampon, God I'm such a moron. One day I'll get my shit together and tell her I want her for forever.'"

Jasper put his hand over his heart mocking me. "Aww, Eddie, isn't that's so special."

I lunged at him but he held my journal out of reach and continued reading, much to my horror.

"Settle down, Tampon. Here's another. 'Mom was right - kissing is quite fun -until you're caught by a man with a gun. I can't wait until Saturday to do it again. Now I have to jerk off my balls are in pain.'"

Alice was literally rolling on the floor laughing her ass off.

I was frozen like an idiot; unable to do anything. I was surprised that Rosalie intervened on my behalf. "Jazz, don't do this."

"Wait, wait! It only gets better! Shhh! Check this out. 'I have to tell you - your breasts are the best. Seriously, way better than all the rest. Not that I've touched all that many. Truthfully, besides my mom's, there haven't been any.' And another good one here. 'Her breasts are still pretty fucking great and left me in quite a state. Made all the worse by the tight ass jean, they certainly weren't made for an erect peen. Don't worry when I got home I rubbed one out, pppffff, like you had any doubt.'"

Jasper only stopped reading because he'd dissolved into a fit of laughter. I was in a fit of rage. I threw myself at him, knocking him to the ground and repeatedly threw punches at his ugly face**,** screaming more obscenities. Unfortunately, my brother was bigger and stronger than me and he pushed me off like I weighed nothing, knocking me backwards on my ass as I tried to catch myself on my newly healed (but still sore) wrist.

Bella came to my rescue, offering her hand to help me up. Although I appreciated the gesture, it made me look like a fucking pussy and Jasper laughed harder.

"I hate you, Jasper! I fucking hate you!"

I screamed at him like I was six years old and ran up to my room, slamming and locking my door behind me. Crumbling to the floor, I hugged my knees to my chest and sobbed. I really was a fucking pussy.

After I stopped crying I was pissed. Jasper made me look like an idiot in front of everyone. They all laughed at me.

And poor Bella – she was the reason behind my words; I bet she was totally embarrassed. I wasn't sure which was worse – being mortified in front of Bella**,** or being betrayed by my own brother.

When there was a knock on my door I told whomever it was to fuck off.

"Edward, it's me. Let me in."

It was Bella's soft voice that came from the other side of the door. I couldn't stomach facing her.

"Go away, Bella. Please. I just want to be alone."

"Edward, I want to talk to you."

"I'm not in the mood to talk."

"Please?"

I shook my head. "Please, just go away."

It took another five minutes before I heard her give a heavy sigh and then footsteps leading her down the hall. I cried after she left**, **knowing that the girl I really cared for – maybe loved – knew what a loser I really was.

If I ever got my journal back I was going to burn it. Something that was once a comfort to me only brought embarrassment and shame. I was a fool for keeping it in the first place.

Fuck Jasper for invading my privacy. Fucking asshole had better watch his back**, **because revenge was going to be sweet.

There was another light rap on my door.

"Edward? It's Emmett. I know you probably don't want to see me right now but just listen, okay? I'm sorry – for laughing. I had no idea those poems were from your private journal. I'm really sorry for acting like an ass."

With that, he left. His apology didn't even make me feel marginally better. I still felt like a moron.

Soon after Emmett left, there was yet another knock on my door**,** and that time it was Mom and Dad asking to come in.

"Can't everyone just leave me alone?"

"Edward, honey, let us in. We want to know what's going on."

I snorted but refused to open the door.

"Ask Jasper. He's got the big mouth."

"Well, unfortunately, he's got a bag of peas on his face after Bella apparently punched him."

"Wh-what?" I didn't know if I should be happy that she got him back or more embarrassed the my girlfriend defended my honor because I was too much of a wimp to do it myself.

"Open the door and we'll talk."

With reluctance**,** I opened the door and my parents came in. Mom sat beside me on the bed while Dad moved the clothes off my desk chair and sat down there.

"Can you tell us what happened?" Mom asked as she lightly rubbed my back in comfort.

"Jasper's an asshole, that's what happened. He stole my journal and read parts of it out loud to everyone. Everyone! I had personal things written in there, very personal. About Bella, ya know? Things I didn't want her to know. Well, she sure knows now!"

"On behalf of Jasper, I'm sorry. What he did was wrong." Dad apologized for his son.

"And he will be punished." Mom added.

I looked up at her, tears stinging my eyes.

"Mom, I was so embarrassed. All the punishment in the world doesn't take away from that."

"I know it doesn't, sweetie. But if it makes you feel better, we walked into Bella giving not only Jasper**,** but everyone**,** a severe tongue-lashing. That was after she decked Jasper. Rumor has it she actually knocked him to the ground."

I gave a small smile.

"I hope it leaves a scar. But I…I don't know if I can ever face Bella again."

"Well," Dad said with a small smile. "She wants to see you; she's been waiting to talk to you. Can we send her in?"

I nodded. Dad ruffled my hair and Mom pressed a kiss to my head, murmuring that she loved me. As they left, Bella walked in.

"Hi."

I gave a wave. "Hey."

"Is it okay if I come in?"

I shrugged. "If you don't mind the mess or being with a loser."

"I don't care – on both accounts."

"Try not to step on any socks," I warned.

Bella sat down beside me and handed me my journal.

"I thought you'd want this back."

I glared at the book as though the whole situation was its fault. I took my journal into my hands, running my fingertips over the embossed cover then through my hair. I wasn't sure where to start. I figured an apology was the best place.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. About the things I wrote about you in here. I never meant to embarrass you. Hell, had I known tonight was going to happen I wouldn't have written that stuff in the first place."

"Edward, why are _you_ sorry? Jasper read your private journal to everyone**; **he's the one who needs to apologize."

"But the things I wrote about you were inappropriate and crude."

Bella reached for my hand.

"The poems were cute and sweet and funny as hell."

"Really? You liked them?"

She nodded. "Besides, I had no idea guys jerked off so much." Bella bumped her shoulder into me as she teased.

"Seriously, sometimes it's multiple times a day. The socks on my floor are proof."

I saw her wrinkle her nose in apparent disgust but she made no attempt to leave my side.

"Did you mean what you said**,** though, Edward? That you'd want me for forever?"

I hung my head down because it felt almost stalker-ish; possessive. But it was the truth.

"Yeah, I think I do. I really like you. I may even more than like you**,** even though I'm not sure what being in, uh, more than like feels like."

I didn't want to say 'love' and scare her away but I hoped Bella knew what I was trying to say.

Instead, she smiled at me and laced her fingers with mine. "Whatever this is between us, I like it. If I had to guess, I'd say this is what more than like feels like."

I had to admit it felt pretty damn good.

"How's your hand?" I asked quietly.

"Better than your brother's face." She held it out to me as proof that she was okay, huge grin on her face.

"Since you defended my honor, does this officially make you my girlfriend?"

Bella snorted softly. "Edward, the things we've done together, like, you know _stuff_, I think that makes me your girlfriend."

"Cool." I grinned. "Sorry, I had to ask, we never really established that."

"Maybe we should make it official then," Bella suggested.

Remember we were alone in my room so when I got the (wrong) idea in my head, I ran with it.

"Are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to." I asked with trepidation, almost scared to hear Bella's reply. I thought it was time but I certainly didn't want to pressure Bella into anything she wasn't ready for.

Bella nodded shyly, biting her lip.

"Okay, let's do it then." I suggested.

"Okay."

I rapidly started taking off my clothes. Bella stared at me wide eyed. Although I said I'd be okay if she backed out, I really, _really _wanted to do it.

"Oh, sorry, did you want to undress me?"

"Umm…I meant to make it official to our friends." She showed me her iPhone.

"You want to video it? Okay!"

Bella shook her head and chuckled. "I meant by changing our relationship status on Facebook."

"Oh."

I shrugged. I guess that was just as good.

Bella logged onto the website and clicked the button that said she was in a relationship. To make it official, she tagged me in the post.

Me! Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen was Bella 'Holy Shit She's Hot' Swan's boyfriend!

Using my phone I quickly accepted the tag before she could change her mind.

"It's official. You're my girlfriend and now my 23 friends know it. I'm so glad you're hot."

Bella laughed. "Thanks."

We sat side by side on my bed, me with a stupid grin on my face.

"So, I was wondering, did you want some help in planning your revenge?" Bella asked.

I grinned. "Hell, yes."

"Let's do it. But first**-**" Bella leaned over and kissed me – a slow, deep, totally inappropriate kind of kiss that my parents would have disapproved of. It was awesome. "Let's take advantage of the fact that I'm allowed in your room and we're completely alone. And since you're _so_ upset and Jasper's in your Dad's office getting in shit, let me _console_ you a bit more."

Know what I loved more than the devious look on her face? She liked to console by dry humping! Holy shit!

And because old habits are hard to break, I continued the tradition of writing a poem.

_My brother is a total ass  
Who lacks any sort of class._

_But my girl has my back  
And got in a good smack._

_She knocked Jasper to the ground  
My Bella doesn't fool around._

_Well, she does with me  
And there's one thing __she__ and I agree_

_Our new favorite thing to do is dry humping  
Love our hips and groins bumping._

_And we've plotted our sweet revenge  
Jasper's wrong doings we will avenge_

It's going to be epic, just wait and see  
I'm getting him back for embarrassing me.

* * *

**A/N: I recently had one of my stories removed by this site. Bummer. I don't know if this story is safe or not. I assume it is since they target sexy times and this boy wouldn't know what sexy was if it hit him in the face BUT if it disappears, I have an account at Twifictionpad dot com under this same pen name. Find me there or PM me and I will link you. **

**And for those of you asking - this story 21 chapters (all pre-written and beta'd already) plus one really short epilogue.**

**Thanks to each of you who read and take the time to review. I appreciate it so much.**

**Special thanks to Lolo84, MapleStyle and Capricorn75 for pre-reading and Beta-ing.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**-Bella's POV-**

After Edward bolted from the room in tears, Jasper and Alice continued laughing. Even Rosalie was somewhat snickering. Only Emmett was quiet. Me? I was fucking pissed. PISSED.

I stormed over to where Jasper was, gave him the Bella death stare, and snatched the journal away from him. I wanted to punch him in the gonads _so hard_, but my first concern was Edward; I immediately went up to his room.

Unfortunately, he wouldn't let me in. I waited, hoping he'd change his mind, but when he didn't I left him alone. Poor guy had been through enough; I wasn't going to force him to talk to me.

When I returned to the living room, that shit-fuck Jasper still had a smirk on his face. I sauntered right up, and clocked him square in the jaw. I've gotta say, seeing his knees buckle and then him topple over was awesome.

"You, Jasper Cullen, are the biggest asshole I've ever met in my life. You're a bully and a douchebag. Wait! You're worse than a douchebag, you're a flaming douche nozzle." Jasper staggered to his feet, his hand rubbed against his jaw where I'd punched him.

"Alice – you think this is funny? Would you like me to tell Jasper about how you peed your pants in the eighth grade while you were sitting on Mike Newton's lap, sucking his face off?" Alice's mouth fell open. "Oops, sorry. I guess he knows now."

I glared at Rosalie next but addressed Emmett. "Hey, Em. Did you know that Rosalie also keeps a diary? There are some very interesting things in there. Hmm… I could also forward certain text messages your way that you may find interesting."

That shut her up.

"You know, I keep a diary. Do you guys want to read it and make fun of me next? Use it for your own amusement? Nice friends." I shook my head in disgust.

Everyone fell silent. Alice went to the kitchen and returned with a bag of frozen peas for Jasper's face. The mere fact that he needed ice made me smile. Emmett slipped out to talk to Edward; I doubted he'd have much luck. But it didn't matter. I wasn't done lecturing.

"What you did tonight, Jasper, was unforgivable. You violated Edward's privacy. You're his brother – his only brother. You're someone he should look up to. I can't believe you would stoop so low. And FYI, those poems were sweet as fuck, and totally romantic. You could take some lessons from him in the romance department, buddy. And from what I've heard from Alice, in other areas, as well." I quirked my eyebrow. Yeah, I was bluffing but Alice blushed something fierce so perhaps I wasn't too far off base.

Emmett walked back in and took a seat next to Rosalie on the couch as I continued my rant.

"Each of you should be ashamed of yourselves but especially you two, Alice and Jasper. Disgusting!"

Right about then is when Dr. and Mrs. Cullen and Jake came back home. I'm sure it was a sight to see. Me, with my hands on my hips lecturing my friends, one of whom was holding an ice pack – well, ice peas – to his face.

"Jasper? Are you alright? Why do you have peas on your face?" Mrs. Cullen immediately went to his side. "And where's Edward? What's going on here?"

"Just a little misunderstanding, Mrs. C. Nothing that a beatdown didn't fix, right, Bella?" Emmett answered on our behalf and winked at me.

Mrs. Cullen put her hands on her hips. "Jasper Leslie Cullen – what have you done this time?"

"Leslie? That's a girl's name!" Alice giggled while Emmett and I both snickered not so quietly.

Jasper cheeks flamed. It was awesome. You can bet your ass I'd be making a comment on his Facebook page about that one later.

"Apparently we need to have a family meeting with the older kids. Jake, please go to your room."

"But Dad!"

"No buts. Go."

"Man! I always miss out on the good stuff!" Jake was adorable as he pouted and stomped his foot. If that kid were a few years older I'd probably have a mad crush on him. Before he got to the stairs, Jake turned around.

"Hey, Emmett – did Bella really beat down Jasper?"

Emmett grinned in a proud papa sort of way. "To the ground, little buddy."

"Wow. Where'd you learn to fight like that?" Jake wondered, his eyes wide.

I shrugged. "My dad."

No one needed to know that he actually taught me when Edward and I first started dating in case I needed to defend myself if my new boyfriend got too 'handsy', as he called it. At the time I'd thought it was stupid, but I was sure glad to have the knowledge now.

"Jasper and Rosalie, wait here. We're going to talk to Edward. Alice, Emmett, Bella – I think you should make your way home." Doctor Cullen suggested.

"I…um… I'd really like to speak to Edward privately, when you're done. Would that be okay?"

Dr. Cullen smiled at me. "Of course, Bella. Let us have a few minutes alone with him then he's all yours."

I bit my cheek so I wouldn't smirk, but I sure liked the idea of him being all mine.

You see, to be completely honest, I really liked Edward. Like, a lot. Okay, perhaps it bordered on obsession, but I couldn't help it. He's friggin' hot, and sweet, and hilarious. He's not an 'I'm all that and a bag of chips' kind of guy. What you see is what you get; I love that with him there aren't any games or bullshit.

As embarrassing as it was for him to have his private poems read aloud, inside I melted. I mean 'I want her forever'? Come on – tell me you didn't melt at that!

And through the whole experience I learned that Edward and I are more alike than I thought. You see, not only do I keep a journal, I also write poems – about Edward. Not that I'll be sharing mine any time soon. Besides, it's very well hidden because I know Chief's a snoop. I think it means Edward and I are pretty much made for each other. Some might even say we're a rhyming couplet. Get it? Ha!

I waited outside Edward's room while his parents talked with him, hoping he'd let me in. He did. Thankfully, things between us weren't weird after what had gone down. Okay, the 'used' socks on his floor were weird, but I could look past that.

Besides, I forgot all about them while I was 'consoling' Edward.

Best.

Day.

Ever.

_Dear Diary:_

_Tonight started out really bad_  
_To be an only child I was very glad_

_Jasper was a total dick_  
_So his ass I did kick_

_And then I got to console my Edward_  
_The dry humping sure got him hard_

_Moving back and forth; to and fro_  
_Easily gave me the big O!_

_And then Edward came in his jeans_  
_I guess that's what happens when you're fifteen_

_After he cleaned up in the bathroom_  
_Together we plotted his brother's doom_

_It'll be epic and Jasper will learn_  
_You fuck with us and you will burn_

_..._

...

...

**-Edward's POV-**

After our dry humping session, and can I say again how awesome humping is, Bella and I plotted revenge. Though not as fun as humping, it was quite enjoyable planning Jasper's demise. Heh, heh. I just realized I said 'humping' three - now four - times in a row. That just goes to show you how awesome it is. It's clearly my new favorite word _and_ activity.

Anyway, the following day I got down to business. I dubbed it 'Operation Fuck You, Jasper'.

Get this – I think you're going to love it:

I opened up an account on gay matchmaker . com – in Jasper's name. His _real_ name, albeit modified to read as J-Ass-Per. Heh, heh. I also used his real cell phone number, and added his email as well. I debated using a pen name for him; 'Jizz-My-Pants Jasper' did have a nice ring to it but, ultimately, using his real name was crueler- and that was exactly what I was going for.

Did I mention I used one of his bare-chest-and-duck-face photos from his Facebook account as his profile picture? His six-pack abs would definitely assure him some action. I had to hack into his email to click on the verification for the account. Thankfully, his password wasn't hard to guess (his name and birth date).

Just to top it off, I downloaded a bunch of gay porn jpegs and put them in a folder on the shared family computer. I'd be sure to 'find' them later and show Dad.

Move over 'Awkward', because 'Evil' is my new middle name. Bwahahahah. Yeah, I've gotta work on my evil laugh.

Writing Jasper's bio was hard (that's what she said.) Ha! I crack myself up, and I toyed with several variations, but I finally came up with something I thought was epic. Jasper made fun of my poems so I wrote one especially for him. I called his poem 'Hey, Jasper, fuck you fucker'. That has a nice ring to it, no? It went something like this:

_My name is J-Ass-Per and I'm twenty-one  
Unfortunately, I have an extremely small gun_

_I've never done something like this before  
As in take one in the back door_

_I'm not sure if I like dick or pussy  
I need a man to show me what I'm missing_

_I'm hot and ready for you  
Who's going to be my first screw?_

_Call my cell at 555-6251  
I'm ready to take it in my bum._

Go ahead - call me a genius. And I know he's only 16, but legal age to be on those websites is 18 so I had to fudge it a bit. Heh, heh, fudge it. Even so, I thought it was a pretty awesome write up.

I hit the confirmation button then sat back and waited for the calls to come in. There was only one problem. Jasper had his phone privileges revoked so he wasn't getting bombarded with all the phone calls. I was bummed about that.

But sometimes things work out better than you could ever anticipate.

Turned out, Jazz not having his phone was a good thing. You see, Mom had it in her possession. I happened to be in the kitchen when the calls started coming. I chewed my apple thoughtfully while I listened to first call and her one-sided conversation.

"Hello?...I'm sorry, Jasper is grounded. Who is this? 'Slick Dick'? …I think you have the wrong number….You got his number from where?...Pardon me? You want to do _what _with my son?"

Mom's eyes went wide. She hung up the phone then looked at like it was tainted.

"Oh my God! Where's your father? Carlisle? Carlisle!"

As she ran from the kitchen the phone rang again. I wasn't going to miss anything so I followed close behind. Mom barged into Dad's office and closed the door. That didn't stop me; I pressed my ear to the door and listened intently. Their conversation was interrupted several times by the ringing phone. Awesome. Mom was crying and Dad was reassuring her that there was some kind of misunderstanding. Jasper had a girlfriend, after all.

What? No! Jasper was not getting off scot-free – fuck that shit. I had to up the ante somehow. I slunk back to the kitchen to think.

When Dad brought Mom back to the kitchen, and sat her down at the table with a glass of water, I side-eyed the laptop. It was the perfect opportunity to find the pictures.

"Don't mind me, I'm just going to do my homework."

They both ignored me.

"Esme, really, don't worry about it. I'm sure it was a wrong number."

"Thirty wrong numbers, Carlisle?"

Only thirty? I was disappointed. I thought he would have gotten more calls. I should have written a longer poem.

"I don't know, Sweetie. Wires obviously got crossed."

"Uh, Mom, Dad? Sorry to interrupt, but you have to see this!"

Mom waved me off.

"Not now, Edward."

"But you_ really_ need to see this."

"Not now."

Hhhmph. How rude.

"Okay – I just hope Jake doesn't see this picture of some bald dude masturbating. I'd hate for him to start asking questions."

Dad snatched the computer away from me.

"Edward! Where did you find this?" Dad scrolled through the pictures I'd stored on the computer.

"I was looking for my English assignment doc. I couldn't remember what I'd saved the folder as. I thought this one, named 'ass' was mine. You know, 'ass' for 'assignment'? When I opened it up there are all these pictures. I'm as shocked as you are."

I should get an Oscar. Best actor in an avenging role.

Hiding my smirk, I watched as Dad looked through the computer's history.

www . gay matchmaker . com

www. out . com

www. naked pork sword . com

www. homorazzi . com

Website after incriminating website. I'd done my research, folks.

"Carlisle, you should see Jasper's email account!" Mom held Jasper's phone out to Dad.

"He has 105 new emails! All from men hoping to show our son a good time! And a few for a threesome." She sobbed out the last word.

Damn, a threesome? It was better than I'd hoped.

Rosalie came into the kitchen and raised an eyebrow at Mom who was full-on crying. That was the only part I felt badly about.

"What's going on?"

Dad shook his head as he put his arm around Mom and led her back to his office so they could talk in private.

"What's up?" Rose asked, again.

I grinned. "Looks like Jasper has a dark side. Apparently he joined a gay dating web site and has been getting calls and emails all morning from guys who want to suck his tiny dick." Yeah - I added the word 'tiny' to make things that much more fun.

"Shut the fuck up!" She smacked my shoulder.

"Yep." Ow!

"You look happy about this."

I shrugged, mentally noting I'd have to work on my poker face.

"You wouldn't have anything to do with whatever's going on, would you?"

"Who me?" I pressed my hand to my chest. "That hurts, Rose."

Rosalie eyed me suspiciously but thankfully, left it at that.

"Hey, I wanted to apologize for, you know, laughing at you and your journal."

I stared at her incredulously.

"Say what?"

"Don't make me say it again," she huffed.

"Mom and Dad put you up to apologizing?"

Rose shook her head. "Let's just say Bella reminded me that she knows some things I wouldn't want anyone – Emmett, especially – to know about." She shrugged like it wasn't a big deal, but to have my sister apologize was huge. Rosalie didn't elaborate; took her diet Pepsi and went up to her room.

Score one for me.

…

…

…

After dinner, Dad told Jasper he wanted to have a word with him in his office. I tried my very best not to grin. I failed miserably.

"Come on, Dad. I've been lectured, had my phone and car privileges taken away, and I'm not allowed to see Alice outside of school for two weeks. Don't you think I've been through enough?"

"There's something serious we need to discuss."

"What now?" Jasper rolled his eyes, something Dad hated.

"Would you like me to discuss your homosexuality in front of your siblings?"

"My what?" God, I wished he would've choked on his own words.

"What's homosexuality?" Jake wondered.

I snorted as I explained.

"It means Jasper likes boys."

"I like boys, too."

"No, Jake. Like, he _likes_ boys, and wants to kiss them." I made kissing noises to make my point for my little brother.

"Edward," Mom scolded.

"I want to kiss my friend Eric," Jake piped up. Mom and Dad exchanged looks, and I silently prayed he was too young for the anal sex talk. Poor kid.

"Kissing with tongue, Jake." As I explained Jake looked confused as he tried to figure that one out. Rosalie snorted.

"Shut up, Edward! I do not. I have a girlfriend, duh."

Dad ignored his statement and spoke up.

"Did you use the laptop today?"

Jasper looked confused. "Well, yeah. Only because I was working on my science project."

"So you weren't looking at gay porn?"

Jazz started coughing.

"What? No!"

"Really? Well the laptop history says otherwise." Dad shook his head in disappointment.

"I bet _he_ set me up." Jasper pointed a finger in my direction.

"Me?" That time I perfected the innocent look.

Rosalie, of all people, came to my defense.

"Sorry, Jazz. We all know Edward isn't smart enough to pull off something like that. No offense, bro."

I should have been a little upset that no one disagreed, but I quite liked that I'd been underestimated. Instead, I grinned.

"Hey, none taken. And you know all those gay jokes he used to make about me? I wonder if he was trying to deflect from himself. It's sad really." I shook my head in the same manner as my father.

"Hey, Eddie?" Jasper jerked his chin at me from across the table. "Fuck you."

I was about to say "you wish" but Mom gasped at his choice of words.

"Jasper! Language!"

"My office. Now." Dad pointed the way. 

…

…

…

I didn't see my brother until later that night. He was white as a ghost when he entered the living room in a daze.

"What's up?" My smile was as big as my…well, let's just say it was rather large.

He flopped down on the couch beside me.

"I'm going to need therapy."

"What happened?" I could only hope he'd been traumatized with the ass and dildo.

"I…I don't even know what to say. He had this….ass…and a dick…and he just kept talking. Words like pegging and anilingus. And don't use butter. Then he demoed 'object insertion'." He paused to shudder. "Dude, it was bad!"

He looked close to tears. Props and demonstration of ass sex will do that do a guy. I could only hope he puked, too – fair's fair.

"You know what, Edward? I'm not sure what was worse – the fact that he has those props, or that he seemed to be talking from experience."

I'd found that part disturbing, too. "I know, right? Sick fucker."

"Sick fucker." Jasper agreed.

I scratched my head. "Do you think he does those things with Mom? Their room's right next to yours — Ow! Why'd you punch me?"

"Don't! Don't go there! I can't even!"

Ha! I made him dry heave! Awesome. I may or may not have added in some inappropriate sex-like sounds to push him right over the edge.

"Oh, Carlisle. Harder. Yes, harder. In my ass, baby. Bow chicka bow wow!"

Bingo!

Jasper ran to the downstairs toilet and lost his supper. Awesome. Another point for me!

After he came back to the living room looking totally green, we sat in silence, me rubbing the sore spot on my arm, while we watched the game for bit.

"Hey, Edward, I was thinkin'."

"'Bout what?"

"Listen, why don't we call a truce?"

I stared at my brother with my mouth hanging open.

"Wait a sec. Are you admitting defeat? Did _I_ take down Jasper Leslie Cullen?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "First of all, you are never to call me by my full name ever again. And second, are you claiming you had something to do with what went down tonight?"

I help my hands up feigning innocence. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Jasper snorted. "Sure you don't. Wow. Pretty impressive, actually."

"Why, thank you. I mean, anyway, what's this truce you speak of?" Because I liked the sound of it.

"First of all, this is not me claiming defeat. I'm just sayin' I think we should stop the antics."

Antics, my ass – more like bullying, but whatever. The point was I'd won. I totally beat him at his own game. Fucker would never admit it, though. Still, it was enough to satisfy me. I stuck my hand out to him as a peace offering.

"Truce."

Jazz squeezed my hand harder than necessary, but I didn't care because that handshake was proof I'd won.

We went back to watching the game – me with a huge grin plastered on my face.

There was just one question I was dying to ask - something that had weighed on my mind for some time.

"Can I ask you a question, Jasper?"

"Yeah, what?" He kept his eyes on the screen.

"What's pegging?"

Jasper shrugged. "Fuck if I know. And I don't want to. Let's promise to never, ever Google it and find out!"

"Deal. Just one more thing - the butter part. Why can't you use it as a lubricant? Will it make the girl fat? Like somehow get absorbed into her system or something? I don't get it."

"Oh my God. Are you for real?" Jasper's hand hit his forehead. "Wait 'til the guys hear this one."

"But…but we called a truce!" I whined.

"That was before you were a clueless idiot."

I should have known it would be short-lived. Oh well, the satisfaction of having him experience the anal object insertion demo was totally worth it.

_Operation 'Fuck You Jasper' is complete  
It landed him in Dad's hot seat_

_Fuck with me; I fuck with you  
Now my bro knows this to be true_

_Payback__ is a bitch they say  
And now Jazz knows all about anal play_

Complete with anal insertion demonstration  
Not the way I want to do penetration

And Alice keeps _calling__ him 'Leslie'  
__That alone is hysterical to me!_

_I find it odd that __D__ad knows so much  
About pegging, anilingus and such_

_Disturbing that he talks about it all nice and calm  
It's gross to know he may do that with __M__om_

_Thank God Jasper's room is next to theirs  
I don't want to hear their private affairs_

_For my revenge I should feel contrite  
I don't, and hope Jasper has nightmares tonight_

* * *

**Thank you all so much for reading and loving this sweet, awkward boy. I appreciate all your kind reviews. Mwah!**

**As always, a big thank you to my pre-readers - MapleStyle and Lolo84 - and my beta - Capricorn75. Mistakes are still mine.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Getting laid is a rite of passage to manhood. You become part of a not-so-secret club, walk with more of a swagger in your step, and grow chest hair. A select few even sprout hair on their back. What it basically boils down to is this: as soon as you lose your virginity, you become a man.

Who doesn't want that?

I sure as hell do. Okay, maybe not the hairy back but you know what I mean.

Don't get me wrong, Bella and I were having a great time doing what we were doing. Dry humping and all the other activities were fun, fantastic, and mind-blowing. The natural next step was sex. God, I want to have sex.

So, can someone please tell me why the hell I chickened out when given the opportunity to actually do it? What the fuck is wrong with me?

This is how it all went down. Sadly, I mean that literally.

On a Saturday morning Mom took Rosalie, Jasper and Jake to the dentist for fillings. Hey, what can I say - I have good teeth. Bella and I were sitting at the dining room table working on homework. Dad was home with the two of us but got called for emergency surgery at the hospital. He didn't think twice about leaving us unattended. Not even a warning- just a "tell your mom I'll call her later" before he was gone. I liked him in work mode because he left Bella and me home alone. That's right – alone. That _never_ happens!

Studying was soon forgotten, and Bella and I were full-on making out in the living room. When Bella tore her lips from mine, I looked at her confused.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. In fact, everything's right."

I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"When's your mom coming home?"

"She said by four." It was just after two.

"And your Dad?"

"Who knows? He'll probably be gone until later tonight."

Bella smiled. "So we're all alone?"

"Uh, yeah? It's nice and quiet, huh?"

She nodded before kissing me again. Meanwhile her fingers worked on unbuttoning my shirt. I broke the kiss, confused.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"Edward, we're home alone. We could…_you know_."

I admit, for a second I was clueless…then it hit me.

Bella wanted to have sex.

With me.

Holy shit!

I practically ran with her upstairs to my room.

"Wait!"

"What?" Bella's turn to look confused.

"Can you give me a minute? My room's a mess and my bed's not made and … well, I want our first time to be as close to perfect as possible."

Bella smiled at me. "Go ahead."

"Don't go anywhere! Please!"

"I won't. I'll wait right here. I promise."

I kissed her nose before I ran into my room, closing the door behind me. First, I opened my window to let in fresh air. Trust me, it was necessary. Then I kicked my dirty clothes and spunk socks (yes, I still did that) under my bed, and put the dirty dishes in my closet. I quickly made my bed and took the box of condoms out of my desk drawer and set it on my nightstand. I wondered if having the whole box out was a bit presumptuous of me, so I took out a couple and set them aside.

I tapped my index finger against my lips while I surveyed my room. It wasn't perfect but it would have to do. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Hi." Bella gave a shy wave.

"Hey." It came out sounding more like a squeak instead of a word. My heart was racing.

We just stood there staring at each other. We were never going to have sex if I didn't invite her in.

"Uh, come on in?" It came out as a question.

Bella smiled as she walked past me and sat down on my bed. I wanted to go to her, undress and kiss her everywhere before I made love to her but I couldn't move because my feet were rooted in place. My heart was pounding – so much so that I was positive Bella would hear it.

This was it. I mean this was _it_!

I'd wake up tomorrow morning a man - with body hair. I would walk and talk like a man, because I would _be_ a man. Damn, I wished my dad hadn't confiscated my cigarettes because in about a half hour (or five minutes, if I was being realistic) I was going to need a post-coital smoke.

I, Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen, was going to lose my virginity.

That's when I really started holy shitting – borderline hyperventilating. This was actually happening. I was minutes away from getting my dick wet – literally. This was a good thing, wasn't it? Suddenly, I wasn't so sure. And don't get me wrong – I liked Bella a lot – loved, maybe. And sex was the next logical step. I wanted this. Didn't I? Yes, of course I did. All guys want to get laid.

So how come I felt like I was going to crap my pants? And why was my dick soft? I furrowed my brow and willed it to get hard, pronto! I thought about Bella naked, her nipples hard and waiting for my mouth.

Nothing.

I imagined her begging me not to stop, her words panted and breathy. That shit's hot.

Nada.

I brought out the big gun, the one thing that could make me hard in the middle of the crowded cafeteria at school. I thought about how awesome it was to have my fingers inside Bella, and how fucking amazing it would feel to have her wrapped around my dick.

There wasn't even an inkling of a twitch.

Oh my God, maybe I _was_ gay!

And that's when I started dry heaving.

And…oh God!

Everything went black.

The next thing I remembered was waking up with one massive headache. Dad and Bella were hovering over me.

"Where am I?" I tried to stand up, but I felt weak and woozy.

"You're in your room. Stay there for a second, son. Get your bearings first." Dad pressed his fingers to my wrist and timed my pulse, which was still racing.

"Dad? I thought you were at work?"

And I thought I was going to be having sex.

"I was on my way when I got a call that another doctor answered the page first, so I turned around and came home."

My brain was so confused.

"Wh-what happened?"

"You passed out. Keeled right over and smacked your head on the hardwood. I was about to call 9-1-1 when your dad showed up," Bella answered, her voice thick with concern.

"Did we at least have sex first?" I tried to sit up again, propping myself up on my elbows.

Although I had no recollection of actually doing it, I thought perhaps my orgasm was so phenomenal I blacked out. Totally plausible, right? Oh please, let that be what happened.

Dad politely kept his eyes downcast. Unfortunately, Bella shook her head.

"_Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"_

I dropped my elbows and smacked my head back against the floor a second time. And then a third and fourth time.

"Edward, stop. You'll give yourself a concussion," Dad warned. He gave me a minute before he spoke again. "Are you okay now?"

Besides the fact that I knocked myself out before I could get laid?

"Yeah, I'm fine." I grumbled.

"Do you think you can stand up?"

I did as I was told.

"Excellent. Can you walk okay?"

I took a few steps around my room.

"I think I'm good."

"Good."

Dad smiled at me. I have to admit I was thankful that he was so caring and wasn't lecturing me. I really appreciated—

"Now you can march yourself right down to my office – we need to have a little chat."

I should have known better. Though it was doubtful Bella would be spared, I thought I'd try to save her.

"Uh, Bella, I'll catch you later." I wanted to yell "Run, Bella! Run!"

Dad wasn't down with my plan.

"Oh, I don't think so. Let me clarify, 'we' means the three of us."

"Fuck."

"Yes, that's what we'll be discussing"

I had a feeling this wasn't going to be much fun. As Bella and I walked downstairs I mumbled an apology to her.

"This is going to be bad. He has props and he knows how to use them. I'm so, so sorry."

"As long as he doesn't call my dad, we'll be okay."

Oh fuck me – I hadn't thought about that. I'd watch anal insertion a hundred times over rather than have Charlie know that we were _this close_ to having sex.

In the office, Bella and I took our seats as Dad sat behind his desk.

"So, you've decided you're mature enough to have sex." He raised his eyebrows and stared us down. I squirmed in my seat, worried for what was to come next.

"Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you can't have sex."

"Sweet." I went to high five Bella before I dragged her back upstairs.

"But—"

My groan interrupted him.

"Sorry, you said 'butt' - I don't think I need to hear that speech again."

Dad chuckled and shook his head. "Let me re-phrase. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you can't have sex, _however_ you both need to think about what would happen if Bella got pregnant."

I snorted. "That wouldn't happen – we'd use condoms and they're like 99% effective."

"Actually, they are 98% effective in preventing pregnancy. And that's only when they're used correctly. Edward, I know you've been practicing putting them on—"

Oh. My. Fuck. He did not just say that in front of my girlfriend. Kill me now.

"But do you know how often condoms break during intercourse?"

No, I didn't but I had a feeling dear old Dad was going to enlighten us.

"Too often."

Seriously? He didn't even have concrete statistics to back himself up? Lame.

"Which is why…"

Dad reached under his desk.

No. No. No. Oh God. He's not bringing out the ... Fuck.

"I'm going to show you both how to put a condom on an erect penis."

Wait a sec…

"Is that a different penis?"

I could have swore the one he used for the anal demonstration was flesh colored. Dad grinned.

"I'm glad you were paying attention. Yes, this is. I thought lime green would make things more fun."

Yes, because 'fun' was exactly the word I would use to describe this situation.

"Bella, would you prefer pink?"

"Good Lord! How many cocks do you own, Dad?"

"Personally, four. Your mom—"

Bella's retching sound thankfully interrupted him.

"Anyway, let's get down to it. Heh, heh, or up to it."

My father has a sick sense of humor.

"Bella, you're not allergic to latex, are you?"

We looked at each other, both our cheeks flaming, and she shrugged her shoulders.

"Uh, I don't know."

"Well, if after intercourse you experience any vaginal itching, burning, or swelling, you're probably allergic to latex. Come see me if that's the case."

'Come see me if that's the case'? What the fuck, Pops, really? Besides the fact that would be wrong on so many levels, _I've_ barely seen my girlfriend's … _you know_. I don't think it would be very fair for you to get up close and personal. Jeez.

"For now, let's assume you aren't allergic."

Dad had me go first. Lucky me. He passed me a wrapped condom and I used my teeth to open the package, which I was chastised for.

"Never use your teeth, you could tear the condom and that would be bad. Ditto scissors or machetes. Heh, heh. That's a joke."

Gee, I was so glad he was making this less awkward.

"And it's best if you open the packaging before you get started. You may have slippery fingers and can't get a good grasp. At least, that's been my experience."

There's something called too much information, which my father is oblivious to.

"Okay, so once you have the condom out of the package you have to figure out which way the condom rolls." Dad took one out of the package and demonstrated. "To put on the condom you must be fully erect. If you need a little self-love to get you there, that's perfectly acceptable. Some may even find it a turn on."

The far away look he got when telling us that little tidbit made me feel sick to my stomach.

"It's very important that you pinch the tip of the condom. This eliminates the possibility of creating an air pocket inside it when it's worn, reducing the chance of breakage and providing the semen, you probably refer to it as 'cum', with a place to go during ejaculation."

The air quotes around the word 'cum' was disturbing.

As he lectured us, Dad continued his demonstration. Really, it was fascinating. Please know I'm being sarcastic. Someone needs to invent a sarcasm font already.

"When you roll it down the length of the shaft, smooth out any air bubbles. If the condom bags or gapes at all then you need to opt for a smaller size."

Really? Would it been so hard for him to say, "If the condom is too tight you need to opt for a _bigger_ size." Gah!

"I suggest smoothing some lubricant over the condom as necessary. Not too much, though; a little friction is a good thing."

The wiggle of his eyebrows wasn't necessary.

"Remember though, no food products. Water and silicon-based lubricants are both safe. Now for removal…"

Five minutes later it was my turn to sheath the lime green, fully erect penis.

FYI: I nailed rolling on a condom like a pro. Told you I practiced. Bella fumbled her way through but she did just fine.

"Now, you must, I repeat _must_, replace the condom if alternating between different types of sex."

I scratched my head. I hated to ask questions, which I knew would only encourage him, but I _was_ curious.

"Really? Like if I'm on top and then we switch positions?"

Dad shook his head. "No, if you're switching from anal to vaginal sex. from the rectum can cause a bladder infection in the female. Again, Bella, come see me if that's something you experience."

I just wanted to die. Really, I did. Put a fork in me, I was done. I couldn't even look at my girlfriend.

"So, do either of you have any questions?"

Bella and I both vigorously shook our heads no. Even if I did, I'd rather get my information from Google.

"Can we go, please?" I was pretty much begging.

"Not yet. Remember condoms are only 98% effective. Pregnancy is a very real possibility. I have this video…"

Of course he did.

For the full movie experience, he turned off the lights as he turned his laptop screen towards us. I half expected him to pass around popcorn. Then I could hope to choke on a kernel and die.

With wide eyes, Bella and I watched as a massive baby's head was pushed out of a woman's vagina – after something called an episiotomy. If I were a woman, I wouldn't be letting anyone – doctor or not – come anywhere near my private parts with scissors. Just sayin'.

At one point I closed my eyes because the visual alone was enough to put me off sex for a good year or two. Unfortunately, the screaming didn't go away when I had my eyes closed. It was truly awful. Finally, the horror show was over.

"God! How do people have sex after seeing something like that? Ick."

Dad chuckled and I was left wondering if that was all part of his master plan.

"Now can we go?"

He shook his head. Fuck me. He brought out his medical textbooks.

"I'd also like to discuss sexually transmitted diseases. This is what gonorrhea, syphillis—"

"I'm a virgin!" Bella blurted the words, which successfully shut my dad up. "Yup, I'm a virgin and Edward is, too, so we don't have to worry about STD's. Wow, look at the time. I should go."

"I'll walk you home."

We were up and out of those chairs before we were subjected to any other forms of torture. I'm not sure what the worst part of the day was. Not having sex, the video, or the fact that my parents apparently had multiple erect, colored penises at their disposal.

Yuck!

_For once Bella and I were left home alone  
Giving us the perfect opportunity to bone_

_Instead, like a loser, I fainted  
Before we could really get acquainted._

_My dick went soft; my heart started to pound  
The next thing I knew I hit the ground_

_Of course Dad was there when I came to  
You wouldn't believe what he put us through_

_He brought out an erect cock - this time lime green  
Trust me, that's not a good color for a peen_

_And he has more than one dick on hand  
This I will never understand!_

_He had us practice putting on the prophylactic  
And that wasn't his only scare tactic_

_Next he showed us a vaginal birth  
Man, does a va-jaj-jay have a lot of girth_

_Dad's tactics worked, I'm scared for life  
I probably won't have sex til I have a wife_

* * *

**Thank you all for your kind reviews - I appreciate them so much!  
Lolo, Maple, Cappy - I love you.**_  
_


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

What do you say to your girlfriend after your father pulls out his cock? Yes, I realize it wasn't _his_ cock but come on, a lime green dildo is just as bad. Seriously, what do you say?

"Hey, Bella, why didn't you opt for the pink cock?"

"So, what'd ya think of the va-jay-jay stretched out like that?"

Really, there are no words. So Bella and I walked in awkward silence until we were halfway to her house. Finally, I had to say something.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. About my dad and his cocks and videos and his general weirdness."

"Yeah, that was a little…" She shook her head, at a loss for words. "I've never experienced something like that before."

"You should have been there for the anal sex speech. _That_ was awkward. You know, I almost wished he would've used the green or pink cock for the demo because it would've been far less realistic."

"Anal sex speech?" Bella raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Oh, my parents thought I was a gay." I shrugged it off.

"And what? Your dad was showing you how to do it? Oh my God!"

"No, no, no. He was explaining…Yeah, never mind. It was just really awkward. I threw up."

Bella shook her head, again. "No doubt. I wonder if that constitutes as child abuse?"

"Probably!"

We walked on - once again silence our companion.

"I'm, uh, also sorry for passing out. I don't even know what happened." I couldn't look at her; I was so embarrassed.

"Hey, look at me."

I dragged my eyes up.

"It's okay."

I shook my head. "No, it's not. I screwed everything up. And sadly, I don't mean that literally. Believe me, I want to have sex, it's just..." I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration.

"It's just what? You can tell me."

I took a deep breath.

"When it finally came down to actually doing it, I was scared shitless. I couldn't even get my dick hard. What the hell, right? I can't even believe I just said that but, hey, I told you I research tampons and buy my mom lingerie for Mother's Day, so why hold back now, right? Don't forget I also jerk off into socks because I'm too lazy to do it in the shower."

Bella blushed.

"Fuck, sorry. Too much information. You think I'm a loser, don't you? If you want to break up with me I totally understand."

"Are you serious? You think I'd want to break up over this?"

"I dunno. Maybe."

"Then you don't know me very well, Edward Cullen." Bella's words were curt and she started to walk away from me.

"Bella, wait!"

"What?" She spun around to face me; her brow was furrowed and lips pursed.

"Are you pissed at me?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "I'm hurt that you think so little of me."

"Gah! I'm sorry. I can't say anything right. I feel like such a moron right now."

Her face softened and she walked back to where I was standing.

"Don't." She pressed her hands to my cheeks. "I love you, Edward. I don't care if you're curious about tampons, or if you masturbate in the shower or into socks. I don't care about any of that stuff. I care about _you_. And if you're not ready to have sex, then I'm okay with that. I can wait. For you, I would wait."

It took a minute for her words to register.

"What did you say?"

"Look. I'm nervous about having sex, too. So, if you want to wait, I'm totally okay with that."

I shook my head. "No, what did you say before that."

"About the tampons and jerking off? Okay, I admit masturbating into a sock is weird, but whatever."

I shook my head again, grinning. "Before that. But thanks for your opinion on my masturbation practices." Honestly, a girl wouldn't understand the convenience of a sock, just sayin'.

"Uh…" Bella looked confused, so I refreshed her memory.

"I think you said you loved me."

I grinned wider when Bella didn't deny it.

"I do."

"You do what?"

Yeah, I wanted to hear her say it again.

"I love you."

"You….love…me?"

"Yes, I do."

I side-eyed her, curiously.

"You_ love_ me love me, or you love me like you love pizza?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Well, I do love pizza…"

"Hey!" I put my hand over my heart, feigning hurt.

Bella went up on her tippy toes and wrapped her arms around my neck; my hands instinctively went about her waist, holding her close. With her eyes steadfast on mine, she repeated herself.

"I love you, Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen - more than pizza. Just hearing your voice makes a bad day better. You make me laugh, even when you don't mean to. I could stare into those beautiful green eyes of yours for hours; hold your hand for even longer. You're gorgeous, smart, funny, sexy as hell, and the nicest guy I've ever met. I've pretty much been in love with you since I was nine. So yeah, I love you, okay?"

Damn it, why the hell did my dick finally get in the game when I was standing on the sidewalk on Main Street? Where the hell was he an hour ago when I needed him? Traitor!

"It started the day we met. Do you remember? You walked into the living room at your house, wearing your Ninja Turtle undies and nothing else, and burped your way through the alphabet, not realizing I was there."

I covered my face with my hands, feeling the heat. Bella had just moved next door and Rosalie had made quick friends with her. I had no idea Bella was over when I started belching. Shame I'd been wearing Ninja Turtles because Power Rangers were more my style back then.

"Don't remind me, ugh! Although it was one of my finer performances."

"It was adorable. You're adorable." She kissed me then, her tongue probing deep. Damn, I hoped I never got tired of her kisses.

"Wait." I pulled away from her. "When we went on our first date you told me that your feelings for me just sort of happened. I assumed you meant recently."

Bella gave me a shy smile. "I've, uh, always had a mad crush on you."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Why do you think I was always over at your house when we were kids? It's not because I wanted to hang out with Rose – although she's awesome. It was because I wanted to see you. God, I used to write down in my diary what you wore every day – I was obsessed with you – still am. You know your pink shirt? I sort of sleep in it every night. So, when I said that the feelings just sort of happened, I was lying."

"Wow." I was almost speechless. "You really _do_ like me!"

"Nope – love, Edward. I love you."

Fucking coolness.

"You keep a diary, too?" I wondered.

Bella nodded. "I do. But I won't be sharing it with you any time soon."

That certainly piqued my curiosity; I wondered what kind of naughty things she wrote in it. Bella noticed the smirk on my face and wagged a finger.

"Never going to happy, Cullen."

We'd see about that.

We started walking towards her house again, me grinning the whole way. Bella actually liked me! Correction, she loved me. And, damn it, I could have rocked her world by having sex with her, but instead I failed. I was such a dumbass.

"God, I'm so sorry I passed out before we could, you know."

"Yeah, that was a major buzz kill." Bella teased. "Honestly, I'm not sure I want to have sex after seeing that birthing video. God, that was nasty!"

The visual of the whole event was burned behind my eyelids. Ick.

"Yeah, I had no idea a woman's … uh…vagina… could stretch so much. Does it go back to normal afterwards?"

Bella shrugged. "God, I hope so. Either way, I certainly don't want to be having a baby any time soon. That looked like it hurt. A _lot_."

"No shit."

Thank God I wasn't a woman. I'd take boners in the middle of biology class any day.

"As gross as the video was, don't you think the fact that my parents have multiple plastic cocks they play around with is worse? Oh my God! You don't think they used the one we—"

Bella held her hand up.

"Don't! Do _not _go there!"

I went there, and it wasn't pretty. I needed bleach for my brain and Lysol for my hands. What the fuck was wrong with my parents? That couldn't be normal!

When we got to Bella's house we sat together on her front porch. She aced her fingers with mine; my thumb stroked her hand as we talked.

"I meant what I said earlier, Edward."

"About loving me?"

It made my heart thump hard in my chest just thinking about it.

"That too. I mean about waiting."

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Well, off my dick at least.

"God, you have no idea how much better I feel right now. I was having performance anxiety before actually performing." It felt good to admit that.

"I think that just means we should hold off. For now, at least."

I sighed. "I guess that means I go back to jerking off into socks again."

Bella laughed. "I still think that's weird, by the way."

I shrugged. That's who I was- Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen, who jerked off into sports socks. But hey, Bella was obsessed with me and probably wrote dirty little poems about me in her diary so it was all good.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd never told Bella that I loved her back. Shit! That was totally rude of me! I jogged back to her place and knocked on the door. Of course, Chief answered.

"Edward." Not even a hint of a smile.

"Hi, Chief. Is Bella here?" I tried to look past him but he stood his ground.

"She's in the shower."

A picture of a wet, naked Bella popped into my head. Bubbles from her shampoo sliding down her boobs, her nipples—

"Ow!"

For good measure, Chief smacked me over the head a second time.

"That's my daughter you were having lewd thoughts about, Cullen."

"They weren't lewd, sir. Okay, maybe a little, but I don't always have a filter. Sometimes— Ouch!"

After he smacked my head a third time he looked at me expectantly.

"What did you want with my daughter?"

Heh, heh. That was a loaded question.

Chief crossed his arms over his chest and I stopped smirking.

"I forgot to tell her something."

"I'll pass a message on for you."

"I…uh…"

Shit. Should I come out and admit to Chief that I was in love with his daughter? Would this be the time I ask for her hand in marriage? Oh God, I was going to pass out again – this time from fear!

"Edward?" Bella came to the door, her hair still wet and tied back in a low ponytail.

"Oh, thank God! Sorry; no offense, Chief."

"Dad, why didn't you tell me Edward was here?"

"I was just about to. I'll leave you alone, but I'll be watching." I still think he had hidden cameras around.

Bella came out onto the front porch, closing the door behind her.

"Are you okay? You're sweating buckets."

"Your dad scares the bejeezus out of me."

"Awww. He really is a softie on the inside."

I snorted. I'm sure he was, unless you're the guy who's dating his daughter, and then he was as cold as ice.

"Why are you here? Did you forget something?"

Suddenly nervous, I nodded and wiped my hands on my jeans.

"I wanted to tell you that…that I love pizza, too."

Bella looked at me like I was crazy.

"I mean, I love you. More than I love pizza. You're 90 per cent why I get up in the morning."

"Okay. I have to ask – what's the other 10 per cent?"

I shrugged. " 'Cause I have to pee."

Bella laughed, and I realized that wasn't exactly romantic. Shit.

"Let me try this again. Bella, I love you. I love the way your hair smells when your head's tucked up underneath my chin. I wish more things smelled like you. Like all my clothes, or _some_ of my clothes, at least. And for sure my pillow. I feel comfortable being myself around you – you're like the sweatpants of my life. You are the milky to my way, the star to my burst, the milk to my duds—"

"Edward, are you hungry?" Bella asked.

"Actually, I kind of am. How'd you know?"

She smiled. "No reason. Go on."

I reached for her hand. "What I'm trying to say is that you're the person I love. Like, a lot."

Bella's lips crashed hard against mine, knocking me backwards. We fell onto the porch with a thud, Bella landing on top of me. It was totally hot and instantly made me hard. Damn!

Of course, the door flew open and Chief loudly cleared his throat. Bella clambered off me in a hurry, but not quick enough apparently. Chief's eyes zeroed in on my face first, then my very obvious boner. He grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me upright.

"What the hell's going on here?"

If it wasn't for my boner I would've pissed my pants. See? There's always a bright side. I may have been afraid of Chief but I wasn't too scared to profess my love.

"I just told Bella I love her, and she was showing her appreciation."

Chief snorted.

"You're 15, what do you know about love? I'm 40 and still don't know."

"With all due respect, sir, maybe you just haven't found the one yet."

"And you think you have? In my daughter?" He added in a snort and rolled his eyes.

I thought I saw fear flicker across Bella's face as she anticipated how this was going to go down. As much as her father made me want to crap my shorts, I wasn't ashamed of my feelings.

"Yes, I do. She's …" I had to choose my words carefully so I wouldn't piss him off - that was the last thing I wanted. I needed to speak directly to his heart so he would know I was sincere about his daughter.

Aha! I knew just what to say.

"Bella's like the hole to my donut."

I was proud of myself. Who doesn't like donuts? And Chief was a cop, surely he'd appreciate—

"She's the HOLE to your DONUT?"

His fists clenched at his side, vein in his forehead throbbing. It took me a second to realize what I'd said.

"No! That's not what I mean! She's not a hole! I like donuts; you're a cop. I thought if I spoke in your language maybe you'd understand. You know, keep it simple, stupid?"

"Are you calling me stupid now?"

I can't win for losing some days.

"Daddy, Edward was just trying to give you an analogy."

"I wasn't apologizing. I was trying to give him an example."

"That's what an analogy is, Edward." Bella explained. I noticed she'd stepped between me and the Chief, who still didn't look impressed. I needed to convince him.

"Chief Swan, I love Bella and she loves me. You may not think that's possible because we're only 15, but it's true. She gets me. Well, some things I do she thinks are weird but despite spunk socks, she gets me."

"'Spunk socks'?" Chief looked at Bella and then me for an explanation.

Great, he was another OCD-er who was a shower splooger.

"It's when you—"

Bella's eyes went wide and she shook her head vigorously.

"Never mind. The bottom line is we love each other."

The nodding of Bella's head told me I'd said the right thing. I should have stopped talking. But you already know I'm an idiot and didn't stop there.

"Oh, and don't worry - we're not planning on having sex any time soon. Nope. We totally could have today but I passed out first. Knocked myself out cold. I'm okay though; don't worry about me. I have a hard head. Heh, heh. Wrong choice of words but you know. Anyway, Bella and I talked, and we've decided to stick with the bases fully loaded but no stealing home."

I figured that should give him some reassurance.

Why did he look so angry then? The vein in his forehead was about to burst and his face was beet red. What the heck?

And why was Bella pushing me off the porch?

It didn't take me long to realize it was for my own safety.

Remember the scene from Forrest Gump? That was me – run, Edward, run! I didn't stop until I was home safe. I thought I might need to go into the Witness Protection Program.

_What do you say after your dad pulls out his pretend dick?  
You don't say much besides saying he is very sick._

_But in the end Bella and I shared  
And each of us declared_

_That I love her and she loves me  
It's unfortunate that Chief doesn't agree_

_I thought telling him we were staying on base  
Would keep me in Chief's good grace_

_But no, he now wants to hunt me down  
And run me right out of town_

_He doesn't realize I do love her so  
And will have to deal with me as her beau_

And wouldn't his feathers really be ruffled  
If he knew how I used a sock for the five fingered shuffle?

And why do people think that's odd  
It's the perfect thing to catch your wad

Now I'm getting off topic here  
So I'm going to sign off and disappear

But I'm still so excited that Bella and I are in love  
Feeling like this is more than I ever dreamed of

And since we've now decided to wait  
I'm signing off to go masturbate

Yes, into a sock  
Go ahead and mock

* * *

_**MapleStyle, Capricorn75 and Lolo84  
Those three ladies are my word whores**_

_**They make things pretty**_  
_**And make me look witty**_

_**Thank you to all you who read this story**_  
_**Your kind words put me in my glory**_

_**I'll see you Thursday for another update**_  
_**I hope until then life is great**_


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

School finished, and summer flew by. I turned sixteen. Hopefully that meant I was growing out of my awkward stage.

My relationship with Bella was pretty awesome. We spent all our days together but also hung out with our friends and family – well, not Charlie. He still scared the shit out of me. I still don't get why he doesn't like me. Whateves. Anyway, we'd go to the beach and I'd play football with Jasper and Emmett while Bella, Rosalie, and Alice giggled like, well, girls. Then we'd pair off and do…stuff. Heh, heh. Bella and I had some pretty epic make-out sessions on the beaches of LaPush. The sand did pose a few problems, but I'm not fussy. I'd take a sandy make-out session over not having one, any day.

Before we knew it, it was Labor Day weekend.

Leah Clearwater, one of Bella's friends, was having a back to school party with her older brother, Seth. Conveniently, it was while their parents were out of town. Seth was a senior and one of Jasper's friends. Because it was the last weekend of summer Mom and Dad gave us an extended curfew.

Like one big happy family, the six of us all went to the party. Rose drove with Emmett while Jazz, Alice, Bella and I all went together in our car. Yes, _our_ car - Jasper had to share after I got my license. Of course, the whole way there, Jasper gave me strict orders not to embarrass him.

Ppppffff. Like that would happen.

Except, there was alcohol.

And I'm not much of a drinker.

You can see where this is going.

So, after a few drinks I was drunk. Okay, it was three quarters of a wine cooler but that shit's potent. Plus, I'm a lightweight.

I was dancing in the living room; sadly to the song that was playing in my head and not the one that was actually on. Dancing for me is standing in one spot and moving/flailing my arms around. Don't worry, it's sexier than it sounds and I'm much better when I'm drunk.

After I accidentally smacked Bella in the head a few times she suggested we go outside for some fresh air. Pretty sure that was code for 'let's go make out'. I was totally game.

On our way out I saw Jasper looking cool as shit with a beer in hand, leaning against a doorway and talking to his buddies.

Now, I realize my brother gave me specific instructions not to talk to him or acknowledge him in any way, but I was totally chillin' with my wine cooler. Besides, on alcohol I'm far more articulate. I walked up to him and threw my arm around his shoulder.

"Bro, you're awesome. I konw we'vre had our differenhces ifn the past adn you've been a real dick tjo me but for teh most part you'vre decoent."

To my ears I made perfect sense but I've been told I slurred every word. Between you and me, I think everyone _else_ was drunk.

Jasper glared at me while putting on a smile for his friends. "Yeah, that's great Eddie. How much have you had to drink?"

I didn't like the way he was eyeing my bottle. I clutched it possessively to my chest.

"Just one." I held up two fingers and hiccupped.

"Bella, maybe you should…" He gestured toward the door and she nodded.

"Yeah, we were just heading there."

"Wait! Wait!" I held my hands up, which caused me to lose my balance and stumble, almost spilling the last of my drink.

"I love byou man. I'm thankfjul atht we both survived the anal sexx talk. Who knew our parents were so frxeaky whti all the colored cocks, dhuh? And whkat the fuck is pegging? I wonder if I'd lkei it."

"Alright, little brother, let's get you some fresh air."

Sandwiched between Jasper and Bella, I was escorted outside. As they walked, I stumbled, planting wet kisses on both their cheeks; lamenting my love for them with every step.

I was unceremoniously deposited onto a deck chair. Jasper told me to sleep it off for a bit and he'd come get us when it was time to go home.

Heh, heh. Pretty sure 'sleep it off' was code for 'get yourself laid, bro'. I jutted my chin at him and grinned. Isn't it amazing how intuitive you can be when you have a little alcohol in your blood?

I patted the space beside me and Bella sat down on the edge of my chair. I took her hand in mine and peppered sexy little kisses up and down her forearm. Okay, they were a bit sloppy and she wiped them off but, you know, the thought was there.

"Bella, I love you. A lots. This past year with you as my girlriend has been awesomef. I love everything abowut you. You're fucking amazing. Like amazing amazngi."

"I love you a lot, too, Edward."

I leaned over, whispering in her ear, all sexy-like.

"Bella, I—"

"I'm right here, Edward, you don't have to yell."

Apparently my volume was on drunk. I tried again.

"I thxink we shozuld do it. We should have sexy times. Like right now. Here. I promies I won't pass out tuhis ztime."

To make my point I drew an imaginary X over my heart. Seriously, how cool would it be if you could actually write with your finger like that? Epic coolness.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Romeo."

Pffff! She just needed some convincing.

I reached over and fondled her boob. It sure felt firm. That's what I loved most about Bella - she had nice, firm breasts.

"I lurve your tities."

Bella laughed as she took my hand off her arm. "Yep, you're drunk. You stay here; I'm going to go get you some water. Promise me you'll stay put."

"That's what she said." I slapped my knee. Seriously, would 'that's what she said' jokes ever get old? I don't think so.

"Pardon?"

I waved her off while laughing at my own joke. "Nothin'."

"Stay here."

Damn, bossy Bella was hot!

"Aye aye capaitn!" I attempted to salute her and poked myself in the eye. Hilarious. Perhaps I was a bit drunk.

But drunk or not, Bella and I were going to have sex! That's why she went to get me water; to sober me up so we could do it. Holy shit, we were going to do it. I was going to wake up with chest hair tomorrow.

I needed a condom. Patting myself down, I paused briefly on my junk – damn, that felt good – but still didn't find a condom. Don't worry - I didn't panic. I went to find Jasper – if anyone had condoms it would be him. It took me a bit to find him in one of the bedrooms.

Alice screeched when I flung the door open, and attempted to cover herself.

"Edward? Get the fuck out!"

"Pfffffff! Alice, I've seen boobs beefore. Yours are nothing to bke ashoamed of. A bit small but….."

I successfully ducked when a pillow was thrown at my head.

"Jasper, get him out of here!"

Testy.

"Edward, for fucks sake what do you want?

"Dude. Bella and I are going to hsave sex tonight. Me! Sex! I need ea condbom. Hey! How'd you knnow I was going to aks? There's one righht here. Thanks, bro. I loves you, man."

I grabbed the condom off the nightstand and left them alone. I'm pretty sure I closed the door when I left, but I'm not positive...

"Edward! I told you to stay put. Sorry, guys." Bella grabbed my arm and closed the door, so I guess I did leave it open. Ooops.

I proudly held up the condom as Bella brought me outside.

"I gots us protection."

"Come on. Let's go lay down in the grass over there."

It took me a few uncoordinated seconds to stumble over to a corner of the yard but once we did, damn, it was perfect. I was on my back, arms and legs stretched way out; Bella at my side.

"Bella, look at the syk. It's all purple and blue pand awe-some." I paused to hiccup. "Pardon me. See how fast the clouds aer spinning? Fucking beautiful. Lijke you. You're . Hthis is going to be perfect jfor our fitrs . I kjust know it."

"You should rest for a minute. You know, get your bearings first."

Damn, Bella was smart. And beautiful, did I mention that? God, she was so fucking beautiful. Her hair all long and brown and smelling so good all the time. She was looking at me with her eyes – she has two of them – and they are the most evenly spaced eyes ever. And her nose, I love that she had a nose.

"Yeah, you'mre right. I should give myself a pep talk. Cane't have Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen's dikc let me down. Again."

I propped myself up and grabbed my crotch with my right hand and gave my dick a stern talking to.

"Okay, buddy. We're going to have sex. Lkie actual sex. Let's not…oooh, that feels good, Bella. Yeah, baby, keep ruginbb."

"Edward, that's your own hand."

"Heh, heh. Damn, I'm igood at that."

Bella giggled and urged me to lie back down. Sweet, I could totally go for her on top. She started rubbing my head. Not _that_ head you perverts, my actual head. Her fingers stretched and rubbed my scalp and I closed my eyes for just a minute.

…

…

…

The rest of the night is pretty foggy, so I'm relaying this information to you based upon the bits and pieces I remember and the photo and video evidence that Jasper and Rosalie so kindly provided. It's not pretty, and should you wish to skip to the next chapter, I wouldn't blame you.

This is the short version: I woke up in my own room. Naked, lying spread eagle and diagonally on the bed, on top of the covers; reeking of vomit. How's that for a visual?

The long version? Remember it's not pretty, so read at your own risk.

I passed out. I'm blaming Bella and her hypnotic head rubbing techniques. She's gifted. It felt amazing, and the next thing I knew I woke up in the grass alone. Still wanting to have sex, I went in pursuit of my girl.

In my drunken state I thought I could be stealthy and find her without making a scene. Apparently, I also thought in order to be stealthy I should remove all my clothes. Yes, all. Then, naked as the day I was born, I strutted to the house.

Now sober, I have come to a few conclusions.

1. When drunk, I don't strut, I stumble.

2. Walking around a party naked draws attention to oneself. Go figure.

3. It's impossible to be stealthy when you are yelling at the top of your lungs. In my defense, I thought I was whispering but apparently my volume was still set to drunk ass loser.

The first person I came across was Emmett.

"Emmett, have you sejen Bella? Ii'm gouing to deflower us tonight. Weer' going to do the funky chicken"

"Dude, you can barely _stand_ up; it's doubtful you'll _get it_ up. Why are you naked?"

"Duh! Bceause I'm going to yhave sex."

I may have lost my pants but I found my—

"Oh my God, Edward! Eeewww. Why are you naked?" Rosalie joined in the conversation.

Jeez, was everyone drunk? I rolled my eyes. I mean, wasn't it obvious?

"Se.x - I'm goign ot have sex."

Rosalie snorted. "With yourself?"

I attempted to flip her the bird but I have a feeling I wasn't successful.

"Come on, buddy. Let's go find your clothes. Here, put this on." Emmett pulled off his hoodie, but for reasons unknown, I refused it.

Enter Jasper and his iPhone.

Normally I'm camera-shy, but when intoxicated I apparently have no inhibitions. I'm seen smiling and posing for the camera. Jazz snapped a few (hundred) photos before Bella found me and, with Emmett's help, dragged me outside. It took both of them - I had the super strength only a drunk person has. Thank God they got me out of there - I can only imagine how much worse it could have been.

Emmett and Rosalie drove us home. I (loudly) serenaded Bella with my own version of One Direction's 'What Makes You Beautiful' on the way. In between choruses, I pawed at her and pleaded for her to have sex with me in the back of Emmett's truck. I told Rosalie not to watch and begged Emmett to give me pointers.

And then I promptly threw up in Bella's lap.

I know this information to be true because my sister showed me the video. She also shared the pictures of me, naked, tossed over Emmett's shoulder as he brought me upstairs to my room and deposited me on my bed. Now don't worry, Emmett has some weird power ove my sister and Jasper because to date, knock on wood, those pictures have never become public - I know it's because of him. Emmett McCarty is a stand up guy, no doubt.

Moral of the story: Don't drink alcohol at parties. It's laced with some nasty shit and fucks you up big time. It leaves you grounded for a month after your mom finds you naked, lying spread eagle and diagonally on the bed, on top of the covers; reeking of vomit. Not to mention I was lectured to until my ears bled with information overload on cirrhosis of the liver. The positive side - no colored dildos were involved. Not to mention the killer headache I had for two days afterwards. Having my father take me ten pin bowling certainly didn't help matters. He said I had to learn a lesson. Believe me, I did.

_I went to a party before school resumed  
After one cooler the night was doomed_

_I was convinced Bella and I would finally do the deed  
But the alcohol, my common sense it did impede_

_When I lost Bella I tried to find her  
The rest of the night is sort of a blur_

_Apparently I ran around in the buff  
Jasper was there with his camera, sure enough_

_Emmett carried me up to my room  
Because too much alcohol I did consume_

_Mom found me, face up and spread eagle  
Now I'm grounded cause drinking underage is illegal_

_I don't care about the hangover or naked pics  
It's the second time I've let down my dick_

_Next time I will be sober and not pass out  
I need to get laid, this is too long of a drought_

Maybe soon it'll happen - God I hope it will  
I'm getting tired up using the old hand drill

* * *

**Thanks for reading and reviewing! And thank you for nominating this story and The Real Life of EA Masen and Bella's List in the Twi Fic Fandom Awards. I'm honored, humbled, and so thankful to be nominated with so many incredible authors and stories. Voting is on now - go vote for your favorites and support the stories/authors you love.**

**MapleStyle, Lolo84, and Capricorn75 - I could never do this without you. Love you girls!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Although being grounded (again) sucked there was one good thing that came from the whole experience. Remember those pictures and videos? You and I both knew Jasper would eventually show them off to anyone and everyone - and he did. Except that actually worked to my advantage. According to most of the girls, and even some of the guys - I'm packin', baby. I guess since Jazz and I last measured certain parts of me have grown - go me! I should have been embarrassed by my actions - and I still was for barfing on Bella - but I was actually kind of proud of my package.

So, yeah I'm a bit…quirky. And, I have a few…issues. Even I can admit that wanking off into a sock is a bit weird. Convenient, but weird. You've invested enough time here that I think you should know a few more strange-but-true Edward-isms.

For starters, I hate public restrooms. Loathe them, actually. Peeing in a public urinal? Oh, I don't think so. The urinal cake is a nasty cesspool of piss from random guys. I'm pretty sure Jasper's mission in life is to break one of those pucks with one continuous stream. Jazz has all but begged for a urinal at home to achieve his goal. No, thanks. Besides, I like to sit when I take a leak. It's not because I'm lazy or have bad aim. The truth is I like to take a time out once in a while.

And did you know that 90% of craps taken in a public restroom are diarrhea? It's a fact. Gas station toilets are the worst! They are a wasteland of desperation and diarrhea. I think I'd rather piss my pants than use a gas station toilet. And there's absolutely no way I'd ever go number two anywhere but in the comfort of my own home. All those asses on the same seat? Ewww.

There is a point to this, I promise. What I'm trying to say, in a very roundabout way, is that other people's bodily fluids gross me out.

Which brings me to my current dilemma.

Let me backpedal just a bit.

After I turned sixteen, I got my drivers license. Jasper had to share the car with me; he was less than thrilled. I loved it. Having a car not only gave Bella and me a lot more freedom and opportunities but also a place to make out.

Except making out in a car certainly isn't like it is in the movies. It sure has its challenges.

Like the friggin' emergency brake. There really is no way around it poking into a vital organ like your spleen. It didn't matter how I contorted my body, I always got jabbed by it.

The steering wheel also posed a problem, and not just because it got in the way. My ass hit the horn and scared the crap out of us a few times. And once, we pressed the panic button and couldn't find the keys for ten minutes. Of course that was when we were making out in Bella's driveway. And the reason why it took us ten minutes to find the keys was because we were scrambling to get dressed before Chief came out to maim me.

Remember the car sex scene in the movie Titanic? Where the windows were all steamed up, and then Rose's hand was pressed against the glass in the heat of the moment? Hot, right? More like stifling. You get it on with a girl for 20 minutes and it's like a 24-hour fitness sauna in the car. Just a little tip I've learned: crack the windows.

Another memo, don't make out with the radio on. If a cool song comes on, you stop making out to sing along. In my defense, Miley Cyrus' new song _is_ pretty catchy. There were a few times Bella and I had on talk radio, just for background noise. Making out to news of our depleting rainforests, global warming, or an animal abuse story is a major buzz kill.

Anyway, back to my point, making out in the front seat was challenging but we didn't care. We were just happy to have a place to mess around. And that's exactly where this part of the story begins – with Bella and me in the front seat of my car at the local make out spot.

As I leaned over to kiss her, I got smart and released the brake for ease of access. Not to worry, it was still in park.

Or so I thought.

More on that later.

"Edward?" Bella's voice was breathy against my cheek.

"Hmmmm?" I continued nibbling her ear lobe and feeling up her boobs.

"Let's move this to the back seat."

I stopped what I was doing and stared at her. We'd always stayed in the front seat. Always. Wasn't there some kind of unwritten rule that said the backseat was for doing the deed? Was she saying what I thought she was saying?

"You…you want to go back there?" I jerked my chin to the back seat.

Bella nodded as she chewed on her lower lip, and you and I both know that meant sexy times.

You can bet your ass I didn't waste any time. I may have pushed Bella out of the way to get back there first. Don't worry - I apologized.

Did you remember the e-brake was off?

I didn't.

And somehow, while climbing over the seat, I hit the gear into neutral.

And we were on a hill; a slight hill, but still.

"Shit! Fuck!" I scrambled back over the seat and yanked the e-brake up. Totally awesome that I saved the day, although it sucked that Bella hit her head on the door frame. I'm just thankful she didn't get a concussion.

Eventually, we were back to making out – and by that I mean stripping off our clothes as fast as we could.

Bella checked the time.

"We have 30 minutes until curfew; that should be enough time."

I wasn't sure if I should be insulted or not.

Who was I kidding? In 30 minutes we could probably do it twice. Maybe more.

"Okay. If you're sure?" I didn't want to pressure Bella into anything. We'd been together for over a year, and although I was ready I certainly didn't want her to feel—

"Uh huh. I'm sure."

Oh, thank you, Lord!

"Grab my wallet, I have a couple condoms in there."

Yeah, a couple. I'm an optimist.

I'm also an over-thinker.

This was happening. Bella and I were going to have sex, and this time I wasn't going to pass out from nerves or alcohol. My first time wasn't going to be in my own room or outside under the stars. It was going to be in a car. Cliché but, heck, I'd take it. It was going to be perfect. Epic. Getting my license and sharing the car with Jasper was the best thing ever.

Wait. Rewind.

I shared a car with Jasper.

How many times had Jasper and Alice fucked in the back seat of the car? I looked around with disgust. All I could see were Jasper's and Alice's bare asses imprinting on the same seat where mine was currently resting.

"Edward, are you okay? You look sort of sick. You aren't going to pass out again, are you?"

I shook my head. "No, I promise."

"What's wrong then?"

"Jasper and Alice have probably done it back here a hundred times. I may be sitting on Alice's ass print." I scrunched up my face; Bella shrugged.

"Maybe you're sitting on Jasper's side."

Ewww! My brother's ass print and possible spillage of spunk funk? That was disgusting. Speaking of, was that a white stain on the carpet? Suddenly my issues with urinals were insignificant compared to … _this_.

Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth.

Bella scratched her head. "We could move to the front seat? Would that help?"

"Hang on."

I leaned over and checked out the front seats looking for any…remnants…of my brother and his girlfriend.

"Do you have any hand sanitizer?" I asked Bella. She gave me a questioning look but dug into her purse and handed me the bottle. I coated the leather seats with the stuff, rubbing it in extra good. Thankfully it didn't take long to dry. We only had about 26 minutes left.

"Okay, we're good to go."

Bella and I scrambled back to the front seats. Because we were already naked, it wasn't pretty – for either one of us. But who cares? I was about to get laid. Or do the laying. Or would it be lying? Lain? Fuck it! I was going to have sex!

We quickly went back to making out – time was ticking, you know.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked, secretly praying the answer was still 'yes'.

"I'm sure."

Fuckin' A.

I put on a condom and then doubled up. Trying to desensitize, ya know? I Googled it – apparently it helps. It was rather tight, but I'd deal.

We got into position, which is incredibly awkward to do in a Hyundai Elantra – there's not exactly a lot of legroom. I put the emergency brake down to give us more space. Don't worry, I made sure it was securely in 'Park'.

How we were positioned is important for you to know because it explains a lot. Stay with me.

So, because I had such long legs, I had one leg in the driver's side footwell and one on the passenger's side and positioned myself over the center console. No, it wasn't comfortable, but there was no way I was going to have sex in the same spot where my brother left his mark, so to speak. Anyway, Bella was sort of sideways in the passenger seat, her head against the window, legs open…Fuck. We had to hurry up before I came from the sight of that alone.

"I'm going to be as gentle as I can. I'm sorry if I hurt you."

Though Bella nodded, I could tell she was nervous. That made two of us. I took a deep breath.

I pushed my tip inside her very slowly.

Time: 10:36 p.m.

Oh my God. She was so tight around me. If I wasn't careful I was instantly going to combust. I stalled, thinking of anything disgusting – you know, like Jasper's run-off jizz in the backseat. Dirty urinals. Pooping in public…

"You alright?" Bella questioned.

I nodded. "Sorry."

I pushed in a little more. Bella didn't act like she was in any discomfort or pain so I went further.

Time: 10:36 and eighteen seconds.

My God! Bella was a rock star; she didn't even flinch. In fact, she smiled at me encouragingly. She must have a high pain tolerance. I went for it, burying myself in her. I gave both of us a minute to acclimate ourselves before I slowly started moving in and out. Not a peep from Bella.

Time: 10:37 p.m.

She was so tight. Wow!

It felt different than I expected. Not as warm or soft as I'd read about but I assumed the double condom changed how it feels. Tentatively, I pulled out then went back in. I was in heaven- heaven, I tell you!

Oh.

Time: 10:37 and forty-two seconds.

My.

Time: 10:38 p.m.

God.

"Unfffffffffff."

It totally wasn't romantic or poetic at all, but that was all I managed to groan out as I came.

Best moment of my existence.

I laid my sweaty head on Bella's chest. Holy shit! I wasn't a virgin anymore! I'm not ashamed to admit I got a bit emotional, and had to fight back a tear or two.

So often you hear horror stories about first-time sex. From what I found out online, no one's first experience is especially sweet or romantic, or anything that would go into a storybook. It wasn't even as awkward as I thought it would be. I'm going to be honest, I was proud of myself. Sure, it wasn't a stellar performance but three minutes for a first timer? Not too shabby!

I was overwhelmed with emotions.

Bella and I made love.

Connected on a deeper level.

Bonded in the Biblical sense.

I was a man, a—

"Are you in yet?"

Say what?

I lifted my head and stared at her incredulously. Maybe she did have a concussion from smacking her head. I was just about to ask if she was okay.

Then I looked down.

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

You see, it wasn't Bella's…you know…that I had put my dick into. It was the space between the center console and the seat.

Let me repeat that.

I put my DICK into the SPACE between the CENTER CONSOLE and the SEAT.

What the actual fuck?

Yes, I'm sad to report I lost my virginity … to a 2010 Hyundai Elantra. I humped a Hyundai for three minutes.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

And what exactly do you say to your girlfriend after that? 'Hey, Baby, was it good for you?' didn't feel appropriate. All I could do was apologize like a billion times, completely red-faced and humiliated far worse than ever before.

"Oh my God. I'm so, so, so sorry!"

Bella looked at me with confusion until she looked down. It was then that she understood what had happened and why I was so apologetic. With her dark brown eyes full of pity, she gave me a shy smile as she placed her hand against my cheek.

"It's okay, Edward."

That woman is a saint, I tell you.

"No! It's not okay. I got happy with a Hyundai. It's just … I thought I was in; I thought you were a fucking Rock Star. Shit! I can't believe I fucked up again. And not literally. I'm such an idiot. I promise I'll make it up to you." I had no idea how since I cheated on her with a friggin' car! Oh my God!

"Edward, it's fine. I'm sure it's a common mistake."

'A common mistake', yeah right. How many guys do you know who fuck a console for three minutes without realizing it? I mean, yeah, three minutes was impressive but, still. God, I was such a moron.

Unfortunately by the time I finished apologizing there wasn't enough time to try again. Third time attempting sex was not a charm. Fuck my life.

...

_I swear to God that on my head is a hex_  
_You see, tonight Bella and I attempted to have sex_

_We were in an awkward position_  
_But I had high hopes and ambition_

We had a minor set back to start  
Kicking the car into gear wasn't smart

Once in the back seat I started to think  
About a naked Jasper and his dink

I didn't want to come in contact with his spunk  
Nope, didn't want my any of that near my junk

So back to the front seat we went  
That's where we'd have the main event

I put two condoms on to desensitize  
I thought that would be very wise

How wrong I was but you live and learn  
Really, that was the least of my concern

I'm sure it's a record that I lasted so long_  
__Before I blew my load out my schlong_

_Except it wasn't Bella I was fucking_  
_Why oh why is my life always sucking?_

Yes, I lost my virginity to a car_  
__That's gonna leave an emotional scar_

Is it too much to ask for some good luck_  
__I just wanted to have a good fuck_

I'm praying that we can try again soon  
We need to wait for the perfect opportune

But when it happens for real it'll be great  
I'll be able to make love to my soul mate

* * *

**Thank you for reading and (hopefully) reviewing, lovely friends.**

**Again on board with pre-reading and beta work - MapleStyle, Lolo84, and Capricorn75 - I heart you hard._  
_**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

It had been two months since I had car sex – literally. Gah! That was awkward. At 16, I think I'd had enough mortifying moments to last a lifetime. Let me refresh your memory with a little recap.

_Mastur-Gate 2013_

_Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen _

_The Bubble Gum Bust_

_Hipster-Ward_

_Massive Cock Boy and Hairless Wonder Freeze Frame_

_Dirty Talk Debacle_

_Texting and Sexting Trouble_

_The Journal Jeering_

_Fornication Fail__,__ followed by Carlisle and his Colored Coded Cocks_

'_Hole to my Donut' Disaster_

_Fornication Fail Part Deux – Drunk and Disorderly_

And the cherry on top:

_The Humiliating Hyundai Hump_

Seriously, what could be more mortifying than that?

What bothered me most was that I didn't lose my virginity to Bella. Okay, technically I'd lost it to a sock years ago but you know what I mean. I actually thought I'd done it, thought I'd given myself to Bella when all I'd actually done is made an ass of myself. Well, there was the positive in the situation - at least I didn't go in _that_ hole. I think that would have been worse - for both of us. Although my Dad probably would've been proud.

I had to make it up to Bella, but how? I was too young to rent a hotel room, both our houses were out of the question, and for obvious reasons, car sex was out. I sure as hell wouldn't make _that _mistake again. I was toying with different ideas but I kept coming up empty.

And then God took pity on me and the fates seemed to smile upon me. Finally! Enter my Dad and his brilliant idea.

"I was thinking about surprising Mom with an overnight trip to Seattle next weekend for our anniversary. Now, I've already talked to Mrs. Yorkie and Jake can stay there for a night. I'm wondering if I can I trust you three kids home alone?"

Dad narrowed his eyes at each of us in turn.

Could he trust us? _Could he trust __us__?_

Pffffffffff. Of course he couldn't.

"Jasper?"

"Of course you can. Totally." He crossed his heart with his hand.

Cough. Bullshit. Cough.

"Rosalie?"

"Daddy, you and Mom deserve a night away."

Rose had some mad skills working 'Daddy' in there so seamlessly. And did you notice how she didn't answer the question? Very smart.

"Edward?"

Beside me Rosalie and Jasper both tensed up. We all knew I was the one who couldn't lie worth shit. If I screwed this up my siblings would kill me. I'm pretty sure they already had the party planned.

Forget the party. I wanted a party in Bella's pants, and this was the perfect opportunity. I was going to have to lie like Jazz and Rose, perhaps throw in a 'daddy' for good measure.

"Edward?" Dad pressed again.

"Uh…yeah, totally. You can trust them. And me. Us. Uh huh, you can totally trust us, Dad, Daddy."

"If this happens, and that's a big if, I'm trusting you guys to not screw this up."

Ha! Dad said screw. See? Subliminally he was okay if Bella and I did it.

"If you throw a party, I _will_ know about it." He directed his gaze toward Jasper but pointed his finger at the three of us. "And if Emmett, Alice, or Bella spend the night I will also know about it and I will personally kick each of your asses for it. Have I made myself clear?"

"Perfectly!" Rosalie, Jasper and I answered in unison.

I duly noted that he didn't mention anything about having sex under his roof. See, more proof that Dad was cool with me getting my bone on.

A few days later, Dad confirmed that he would, in fact, be surprising Mom with a night away the following weekend. High five! Woot, woot!

That gave me 10 days to get my shit together. I needed to know everything about being romantic, and how to make a girl's first time special. Hell, I just needed advice on how to put my dick in the right hole. Jeez.

Obviously, I couldn't ask Mom or Dad for tips; Jasper and Rosalie were a big, fat hell no; ditto Jake. So I turned to someone I figured I could trust.

Emmett.

I caught up to him after school the next day. Damn it, Rosalie was already with him.

"Hey, Em? Can I, uh, talk to you – privately - about something?"

"Yeah, sure, buddy." He gave Rose a hug and a quick kiss. "I'll call you later, babe." My sister raised an eyebrow at me but left us alone. I watched as Emmett ogled her ass as she walked away.

"What's up, Eddie?"

I looked around cautiously. This wasn't something I wanted to talk about within earshot of anyone.

"Can we get a slurpee and talk on the way?"

"Aww, Cullen, you asking me out on a date?" Emmett winked at me. Wow, talk about awkward. I took a step away from him. Great, I was going to have to let him down gently.

"Uh, no. You're not really my type. I mean, you're a good-looking guy and I'd totally hit on you if I played for the other team but you know I'm straight. And besides, you're dating my sister, ya know?"

He flashed his dimples. Dude, he was totally flirting with me. He was—

"I was kidding. Come on, I'm buying."

Cherry Coke slurpees in hand, and far enough away from anyone I knew, I was ready to ask the burning question I had. We headed toward home as I started the conversation.

"You know how my parents are going out of town next weekend?"

Emmett grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. "I sure do."

"Uh, that's my sister you're thinking of."

He grinned wider. "Yep."

I high-fived him. It's a guy thing. I was happy he was getting laid, even if it was with my sis.

"Anyway, Bella and I are, uh, planning to…uh…" I stopped, red-faced. "We want to…um…"

"Have sexy times?" Emmett said with another wag of his eyebrows. My blush got worse. God, how was I going to have sex if I couldn't even talk about it? That was exactly why I needed his help.

"Yeah – sexy times. Do you have any tips you'd, uh, be willing to share? I didn't know who else to ask."

Thankfully, he didn't laugh at me.

"I'm flattered but are you sure you want advice from me? I'm not all that experienced."

"Dude, I had sex with a car."

Emmett stopped dead in his tracks.

"I'm sorry – did you say _with_ a car?" He looked at me incredulously; I nodded.

"Yeah. Let's not talk about it. It was bad."

"No kidding. Be thankful Jasper doesn't know!" Emmett grinned.

"I'm thankful for that every, single day. So, do you have any tips for a first timer?" I wondered.

"Well, my first tip would be to never do it with a car again. Bella may get jealous, heh heh. Okay, seriously, you've gotta clean your room. Wash your sheets – that's mandatory. Pick up your dirty clothes. Febreeze the shit out of the place. And I know how convenient socks can be," he paused and gave me a knowing look with a smirk. "But you have to get rid of any trace of the spunk socks."

"Okay, what else?" I took mental notes as we continued walking.

"Edward, just be yourself."

I couldn't help but to groan. "That's the problem. 'Awkward' is my middle name. I honestly don't have a clue here."

"I can't give you specifics on how to have sex. No offence but that's just weird. Do you really want to know what Rosalie likes in bed?"

I shrugged. "It'd be helpful. I'm sure I could block out that you're talking about my sister."

"It'd be weird, Edward. I'm sorry."

My face fell. Emmett noticed and gave me an encouraging smile. "You'll figure it out, I know you will."

"What about being romantic? Any tips there? Should I write her a poem? Or sing her a song or something? I've been working on something special for her. What do you think about this-

'Bella, Bella you're the one  
And tonight we're going to have some fun.  
I'm going to bone you with my cock  
No more will I jerk off into a sock.  
I can't wait to fuck your—"

Emmett held up his hand and vigorously shook his head. "For the love of all that's holy, please don't traumatize her with that."

"Em, come on. Girls like dirty talk. I thought 'I can't wait to fuck your pootang with my meaty thang' was a hot line."

"It's not. Trust me. There's a big difference between talking dirty and talking crude. And there are things you just don't say."

"I'm listening." And I was – very eagerly.

"Well, for one, you wouldn't say 'meaty thang'. And don't call your dick a 'wiener' or a 'fuck stick' either. Generally, you want to avoid any kind of meat products in bed."

"This is good stuff! Go on."

"Um…here's another example. 'Your vagina's so moist.' Two buzzkill words right there. 'Vagina' is doctor speech. And 'moist' should just be banned from the English language forever. Ditto 'glistening'." Emmett shuddered.

"Okay, so no 'vagina', 'moist' or 'glistening'. What else?"

Emmett ran his hand through his hair. "I dunno. I'm thinking you should probably just avoid talking dirty for your first time."

"Aww, man! I really wanted to bring something new to the table," I said with a pout.

"Fine, look, here's my suggestion. If you really want to talk dirty, do it in another language. There's something about saying 'fuck me, beautiful' in Italian that gets a girl hot. Shit, you could say 'take out the trash, bitch' in Spanish and it would work, heh heh. Girls like foreigners and guys with an accent for some reason."

See? I knew Emmett would have the answers for me. I was going to be busy the next few days, memorizing some key phrases that would no doubt get Bella all hot and bothered.

Emmett threw his arm around my shoulder in such a big brother sort of way, I kind of wished he was my sibling.

"Wanna know my best advice? Take your time – don't rush right into it. Tell Bella she's beautiful; that you love her. Be romantic and sincere. And, honestly, don't have too high expectations for the night, performance-wise. It's not going to be stellar by any account but it'll be perfect none-the-less, I promise."

"Emmett, I can't thank you enough. You're so much cooler than Jasper."

"Not everyone can be this good looking, plus be captain of the football and debate teams, buddy. Seriously, though, if you need anything or have questions, call me. Well, let me clarify: call me before things heat up. I don't want a call mid-fuck." With a slap on my back, we parted ways and headed to our respective houses.

You have no idea how much I appreciated Emmett's sincerity. I truly did. I was going to follow his advice to a tee. I'd wash my sheets, clean my room, avoid mentioning meat products, and learn some key phrases in other languages. I can tell you right now, Bella's and my first time together was going to be amazing.

I hoped.

…

…

The day finally arrived and I wasn't sure if I was more excited or more nervous. I was as prepared as I could be. Mom raised an eyebrow when she saw me dragging my sheets and comforter to the laundry room the morning they were leaving. I couldn't exactly tell her why I was washing them so instead I said something stupid. Surprise, surprise.

"I ran out of socks." I accompanied that statement with a sheepish grin. Mom blushed and let me be.

Before they left for their overnighter, Mom and Dad gave us the standard lecture.

"We're trusting you guys."

"Don't let us down."

"No overnight 'guests'."

"No parties."

"No funny business."

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Emmett showed up just as they were leaving. Long forgotten was the night Dad had to drag Rosalie out of his house. Emmett was so charismatic that he'd charmed his way into both my parent's hearts by then. One day I wanted him to mentor me because Chief still hated my guts.

"Hey, Mr. and Mrs. C. You're off for your romantic night away, huh?" Em wagged his eyebrows.

"We sure are," Dad answered with a grin. I couldn't help but to think about the nasty things they'd be getting up to – with or without their props. Ick.

"Well, have fun. And I know you're going to call every hour but just so you know, I've got six movie passes for a matinee this afternoon. It starts at two, so we probably won't be back until five at the earliest." Emmett presented six movie passes from his pocket and gave them to my dad as proof.

"Thank you for letting us know. Esme, we should go."

Mom pulled each of us kids into a hug and told us to be good before they were officially off. I went up to my room to give it the deep clean I couldn't do when my parents were home – that would have tipped them off that something was up, for sure.

Around 1:30 Emmett announced it was time to head off to the movie.

"Are we picking up Bella and Alice on the way?" I asked as I put on my jacket. Emmett shook his head.

"Just Alice. Bella will be here in half an hour. You have three hours to work your magic."

I looked at him incredulously. "You mean…You—"

Emmett just grinned. "I bought six tickets but only the four of us are going. I didn't think you'd want your siblings – Jasper, especially – home when things go down. Sorry, wrong choice of words. I just thought it'd be better if you and Bella had the house to yourselves."

I gave him a huge hug. "Emmett! Thank you so much for this,_ seriously_. You're awesome!"

"No worries. Do me proud. Let me rephrase that – do _Bella_ proud." He gave me a back slap and went to leave with Rosalie and Jasper. Of course Jazz had to question why I wasn't going, but good old Emmett diverted the attention away from me.

"Don't worry about it. Hey, I have a couple of beers we can sneak into the theatre."

And with that, they were off.

I ran upstairs and wrote in my journal – the last time as a guy-into-girl virgin - before I had a quick shower (AKA: cleaned the pipes), to get ready for the main event.

_Bella will be here in a little while  
On my face there's a huge smile_

_You see we're actually going to do it today  
This time I __wil__l make contact with her va-jay-jay_

It'll be amazing; it'll be great  
Oh my God, I can't wait!

Emmett gave me such good advice  
I love that to me he's just so nice

_I've got some things planned, oh yes I do  
Foreign languages and fancy accents, too_

_It's going to be epic – God I hope it will  
Someone tell my heart to be still._

I'm ready to lose my virginity (to Bella this time)  
I just know it'll feel sublime

_I've gotta go and shower splurge  
Before Bella and I do converge._

_Wish me luck I don't want to fail  
If I do, never again will I get tail._

* * *

**Thank you all for reading and taking the time to review. See you soon for the climax (haha) of the story :)  
Big hugs to MapleStyle, Lolo84, and Capricorn75 for their help with this fic xo**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

S-Minus twenty minutes. (The 'S' stands for S-E-X, in case you were wondering). Panicking, I flitted about my room making sure everything was perfect. Anything I was unsure about I sent a text off to Emmett for his opinion.

_Edward: Candles- yes or no?_

_Emmett: Yes, it's a nice touch._

I was pleased that I'd thought of that myself. Just as I was striking a match I got another text.

_Emmett: Unless it's birthday candles stuck in those muffins your mom left then no.  
_  
Damn it! Fine. No candles.

I was actually starting to feel a bit hungry and wasn't sure if I should eat so I sent off another text.

_Edward: Should I eat something – you know to keep my strength up?_

_Emmett: Light snack. No garlic or onions._

I went down to the kitchen to make a snack. I'd just opened a can when my phone chimed.

_Emmett: Avoid beans!_

Damn it! I guess pork and beans was out then. Never mind, I was too nervous to eat anyway.

The next thing I fretted over was what to wear. I sent Emmett picture texts so he could see the options.

_Edward: What should I wear under my clothes - Black boxers?_

_Emmett: Those are fine. _

_Edward: White briefs?_

_Emmett: Also fine._

_Edward: Ninja Turtles?_

_Emmett: No!_

Gotta admit – I was disappointed he said 'no' to the TMNT undies. I'd been wearing a pair the day I belched the alphabet and met Bella for the first time. I kind of felt like they were part of the reason why she fell in love with me.

I had one last option. As I was about to take the picture, Emmett texted me again.

_Emmett: Do not go commando._

Damn it! I pulled my pants back up and put my phone away. Wait! I had one last burning question.

_Edward: Is Pig Latin considered a foreign language?_

_Emmett: Don't even go there!_

_Edward: Ha! I was only kidding._

Okay, I wasn't but good to know.

_Emmett: Relax. Movie starting. Turning off my phone. Good luck. Be confident – you've got this._

And then my lifeline was gone and I already felt lost.

At the same time, Bella knocked on the door. When I opened it and saw her standing there, everything felt right. The girl I loved was smiling at me, and here – on the cusp of having sex – was exactly where I wanted to be.

"Hi." Bella gave a small wave with a shy smile.

"Hey." I smiled back, the butterflies in my stomach already taking flight.

We stood in the doorway staring and smiling at one another. After a while Bella asked, "May I come in? Or are we going to do it on the front porch?"

I hoped she was kidding.

"Right, sorry. Yeah, please come in." I smiled to myself because that was the perfect opportunity for a 'that's what she said' joke. Don't worry - I kept it to myself. I was determined not to make a fool of myself for once.

I held the door open and Bella walked inside. Once again we stood in silence. I had no idea what we were supposed to talk about. 'Are you ready to lose your virginity?' didn't feel like the best way to start a conversation. Hell, I didn't even know what to do with my hands. I had them stuffed in my pocket, then at my sides and finally crossed over my chest.

"God, this is so awkward, huh?" Bella said with a nervous laugh. I nodded, glad she felt the same.

Bella looked around. "It's so quiet. Where is everyone?"

"At a movie. So, we have a couple hours before they come home. Not that I'd need a couple hours. Heh, heh. Pretty sure this will all be over in less than five minutes. But, hey, at least we'll have complete privacy for it, right?"

So much for not making a fool of myself.

"Should we, I mean, did you want to go upstairs? Or I could make us a snack or something?" I offered.

"I ate already."

"So, upstairs to my room then?"

Bella nodded. I took her hand into my clammy one and brought her upstairs.

"Wow, it's so clean in here!"

I shrugged. "Emmett suggested I tidy up."

"I always did like that guy. What other advice did he give you?"

I remembered Emmett's last test – 'be confident – you've got this.' And you know what? I _did_ have this. I loved Bella and she loved me. No matter how this went down – uh, wrong choice of words – no matter what happened, how we felt about each other wasn't going to change. I had a feeling, know I _knew_, the girl standing before me was my forever love. I smiled at Bella and shook my head.

"Sorry, sweetheart. That's for me to know and you to find out."

No way I was giving away all my secrets just yet.

Bella worked her way into my arms and up onto her tippy toes so she was closer to my height.

"Oh yeah? What do you have planned for today?"

I took that opportunity to pull her close, my left hand slid around her throat then gripped the back of her neck. I saw that on a commercial recently and it looked really hot.

"Oh, mon cheri, I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Don't you worry."

Then I kissed her good – really good.

Putty in my hands.

When we finally broke apart, Bella complimented me.

"'Mon cheri'. I like that. When did you learn to speak French?"

I shrugged as I replied. "Oh, baby. I 'ave so many tricks and treats up me sleeve for today. Just ya wait."

"Whoa," Bella looked impressed. "A British accent?"

Emmett was right. She was lusting after me even more (if that was possible), all because of the accent.

"Wud yer prefer Oirish? Oi can be Oirish. 'ell, I'll be whatever yer want me ter be."

I switched to my favorite accent – Scottish.

"I am nae wearin' a kilt but Ah can spick scottish if ye prefer."

Bella laughed. "How about just plain old 'Edward'?"

"Yeah, that can work, too." I wasn't sure I could pull off an accent with the foreign languages I had planned.

Together we moved over to my bed and sat down. Bella took my hand in hers and placed it against her chest.

"Can you feel that?" She spoke in a hushed voice. "That's my heart beating out of my chest."

I could easily feel the accelerated pulsing beneath my hand. I hoped she wasn't going to faint.

"Mine's doing the same. You still wanna do this?"

Bella looked at me, with her lower lip between her teeth and nodded. I nodded back. I unbuttoned her shirt, slowly. And not because I was trying to be all sexy about it. It was because my fingers were shaking so badly I could barely put the button through the hole.

No!

I wasn't going to be nervous- I was going to be confident! I would remember Emmett's advice and also use what I'd learned via Google. As I pushed the first button through the hole I decided to use the next trick up my sleeve. Bella had thought French was hot – I wondered how she'd react to Spanish. I counted each button as it came undone.

"Uno."

"Dos."

"Tres."

"Quatre."

"Sei."

Shit! I think I'd mixed up a couple languages there. Well, if Bella noticed she didn't say anything.

I pushed the material aside and revealed a nice surprise. Bella had bought a new bra. It was plain white but lacy and pushed her boobs together spectacularly. She grinned.

"I have a few tricks up my sleeve, too, Edward."

"You mean under your shirt," I corrected.

Bella wagged her eyebrows. "Under my jeans as well."

"Cazzo!" I cursed in Spanish. Or was it Italian? Fucked if I knew. I'd Googled so many different key phrases and right then, my brain was swimming with all of them.

Bella stood up and undid her pants and I was surprised with...

"Where the heck did you get Ninja Turtle panties from?!"

"Ebay," she told me with a grin.

I also stood up, unbuttoned my jeans and showed Bella that we matched. She laughed.

"See?" I told her proudly. "We're perfect for each other."

"Edward, we've always been perfect for each other."

That girl had the ability to seduce me with just her words. And that was only part of the reason why I loved her so freaking much.

Within minutes, all our clothes were shed, strewn haphazardly around my room in a wild frenzy. When we were naked, we got back the bed and I took a moment to appreciate her body. God, she was so beautiful and I had to tell her as much.

"Bella, amo canes," I whispered my words of adoration in Latin as a brushed my lips against her collarbone.

Okay, I really said 'I love dogs' - I couldn't say I love cats – I'm allergic, remember? But it didn't matter, Bella crashed her lips against mine. Damn, Emmett was right – girls totally fell for a dude speaking a different language. I wasn't stupid enough to try it but I'd bet she'd even find Pig Latin hot. And if you do try it please let me know how that goes.

In between kisses and gropes, I threw out a few other key phrases I'd memorized, making sure I used a low, sexy tone of voice.

"Ja. Nein. Vielleicht."

Bella growled into my neck, having no idea I just said 'Yes. No. Maybe.' In German.

"Edward, I have no idea what you just said but that was so hot."

You know it, baby.

"أنا في حاجة إلى الحمام." No, I didn't really need to use the bathroom, but Arabic sounded sexy. Bella agreed, her hands pawed at my chest.

The only one that didn't exactly fly was "איך רעדן ייִדיש" which was Yiddish for 'I speak Yiddish.' Bella laughed at that one. I wouldn't recommend Yiddish if you're going to try this at home.

With my mouth at her ear, I whispered "Saca la basura, perra." Hoping she'd think I was saying something as dirty as 'I want to fuck your pootang with my meat thang.'

Bella pulled back and looked at me with a grin on her face.

"I'll take out the trash _after_ we finish here."

Oh, shit!

"Damn it, Emmett!"

Bella laughed.

"Did Emmett tell you to say 'take out the trash, bitch?"

"Yes. No. I mean he told I could say 'take out the trash, bitch' in Spanish and a girl would find that hot."

"Hey, if I wasn't fluent in Spanish, it totally would have been. Ahora saca esa maldita basura, trae esos labios de regreso a los míos y bésame como si de verdad quisieras, perra."

"Holy shit! Now _that_ was hot!" I still have no idea what the hell Bella said but it catapulted us into overdrive.

Grabbing hands; hungry mouths. I kissed her everywhere, and the way she panted my name was enough to put me over the edge. God, I wanted to go there but I knew this time I had go there with Bella. I tore my lips away from hers, as my heart beat furiously.

"Wait! Wait!"

"What?" Bella asked breathlessly, her eyes wide with confusion.

"We have to slow down. This is going to be over so quickly once we start. Can we at least take our time with this part? Please?"

Bella placed her hands against my cheeks and stared into my eyes. Slowly she nodded her head. That simple act stilled my heart and calmed my nerves.

We repositioned on the bed so she was on her back and I covered her body with mine. Our kisses were slower, our movements more calculated. I savored every single moment.

When it was time, I rolled a condom on – just one – and asked if she was ready. Without hesitation she said she was.

"Bella, I love you."

"I love you."

"I'm so sorry if I hurt you," I said quietly. I watched as I aligned myself with her. I was not going to fuck things up this time.

When I first pressed against her, Bella nodded her encouragement.

I continued. Unlike when we did it in the car, Bella's face scrunched up in obvious pain and discomfort. God, I hated that so much. I didn't want to hurt my girl. I wanted to stop, and I told her as much.

"No, Edward. I want this. Please."

And so I kept on.

It was actually harder – no pun intended – to get in than I thought it would be. But once my hips were flush with hers - holy-fucking-shit-mother-of-all-things-that-are-ho ly it was fucking amazing. And even though I was pretty certain it was for real I had to ask.

"I'm in, right? That's you?"

Bella shook her head and I was momentarily confused until she clarified.

"No, Edward, that's not me. It's us."

Damn, I love that girl. And can I just say how the hell I ever mistook a Hyundai for a pussy, I will never know.

It felt so good, amazing, perfect - too perfect….

And then it was all over.

Seriously, I lasted five point two seconds. I didn't have a coherent thought in my head either, which is probably why as I came, I cursed loudly in a jumbled mess. It sounded something like this.

"Fuu-他媽的他媽的他媽-ck!"

I fell on top of Bella's body, sweat dripping off my brow onto her shoulder. Her hands stroked my hair as she murmured over and over and over again how much she loved me. I wanted to tell her that I more than loved her; that I'd fucking _die_ for her because in that moment, I truly would have. I was simply left without words.

It was….

Honestly, there are no adequate words in the English language to tell you how I was feeling. It was like I was experiencing every single joyous event in my entire life all at once.

Like walking through the gates of Disneyland for the very first time.

How my seven-year old self felt on Christmas morning when I got my brand new BMX bike.

The indescribable feeling the first time I rubbed one out.

All my firsts with Bella – first kiss, boob grab, blowjob.

The pure gratification and satisfaction when I beat Jasper in his own malicious game.

And it was Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday all combined into one magical simultaneous moment.

And I got to experience it with Bella.

There was nothing that could have prepared me for that. Nothing.

And that was when I burst into tears. Sobbed like a fucking baby, adding snot and tears to the sweat I'd already dripped onto Bella's naked shoulder. Totally gross and certainly not romantic in any way.

"Edward? Are you alright?"

I rolled off her, wiping at my nose with the back of my hand, and laughed at myself in embarrassment. I looked at Bella, trying to find the words to explain what was going on in my head. And that's when I noticed she was crying, too. And I knew she felt exactly the same.

It certainly wasn't a stellar performance by any means. And it wasn't something a director had thought up and played out on the big screen with famous Hollywood actors in a summer blockbuster. Hell, it wasn't exactly the way I had envisioned how it would go.

But it was perfect nonetheless.

After we got cleaned up, we snuggled under my comforter. Bella's head was tucked under my chin, my arms wrapped around her, her hand rested on my chest just over my heart. I was never more content.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly, trying not to break the post coital bliss.

"Never better."

"Heh, heh. I just realized I left my socks on. Is that weird?"

Bella shook her head. "Nope. Mine are still on too." She paused briefly. "You know what _was_ kind of weird?"

"What's that?"

"That I got turned on by you speaking Chinese."

I wagged my eyebrows.

"白了我一眼說中國可能聽起來很蠢的傢伙。"

"What did you just say?"

Now, I could have told her it was something sexy like 'I can't wait to pork you with my sword again soon' but instead I was honest.

"I just said 'I'm a white guy talking Chinese and probably sound stupid.' But that's from Google translate so who knows what I actually said."

We dissolved into a fit of laughter because, you know what? That shit was funny.

After that, I stroked her hair and we lapsed into a serene silence, even dozed for a bit until we noticed the time.

"We should probably get dressed. The others will be home soon."

I nodded. "I know. I don't want to break this trance though."

All good things must come to an end so we got up, dressed, and were in the living room watching a movie – not porn – when the others came home. Of course, Jasper and Alice went straight up to his room for their own sexy times.

Bella and Rosalie went to the kitchen to order some pizza for dinner, leaving Emmett and me alone in the living room. He jutted his chin at me with a smile. I blushed, and we left it at that. I was a man now, and a man never kisses and tells.

I drove Bella home at 10:00pm. When I kissed her goodnight, it felt different. We were different. We were more in love than I ever knew possible. And that was just the start of things.

In the years to come, I fell more in love with her every single day. And yeah, I made an ass of myself practically every day but it didn't matter. Bella loved me for who I was – an awkward, no filter, dorky guy.

Five years later, when I asked Bella to marry me via a cheesy knock-knock joke, she said yes – in Japanese.

And it was perfect.

* * *

_There's no Edward poem because he's now a man_  
_And he's matured some since the story began_

_You know a man doesn't kiss and tell_  
_But he got laid so it's all good and swell._

_This chapter concludes this tale_  
_Of a boy and his numerous fails_

_After all the disasters including Masturgate_  
_Our happy couple finally did fornicate._

_I have one short epilogue before this story is complete_  
_A glimpse to the future of a kid who's awkward yet sweet._

_Thank you so much for your love of this boy_  
_Your kind words fill me with joy._

_Lolo, Maple and Cappy_  
_You girls make me happy._

_PS: Thank you to Fungys Cullen M for the Spanish translation. Bella actually said "Now, fuck taking out the garbage and get those lips back on mine and kiss me like you mean it, Bitch." _


End file.
